In The Fearsome Five's Hideout

Chapter 1: Spike Is An Adorable Menace And We Love Him

Megavolt: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?

Quackerjack: For Spike.

Megavolt: Why are you making pancakes for Spike?

Quackerjack: He doesn't know how, and Bushbrain won't teach him.

Bushroot: I barely trust him not to set the Greenhouse on fire normally, and now you want me to give him access to a stove??

Chapter 2: Rainstorms

Negaduck: Why are you knobs always out during rainstorms?

Bushroot: It’s so peaceful and refreshing. I love the smell of rain.

Liquidator, currently more puddle than dog: Rain feels nice... [sighs sleepily]

Megavolt: Quackie and Mr Banana Brain bet me I couldn’t get struck by lighting, but they're WRONG.

Chapter 3: Imagine Being Betrayed By Your Own Split Personality

Negaduck: You three, explain right now!

Bushroot: It was Quackerjack.

Megavolt: It was Quackie.

Mr Banana Brain: It was Quackerjack, Zack.

Quackerjack: ...

Quackerjack: You traitors!

Chapter 4: Megavolt Is Protective (And Insane, But That's A Given)

Megavolt: ♪Hush, little laptop, don’t you cry.♪

Megavolt: ♪Uncle Elmo's gonna find you some more Wi-Fi.♪

Megavolt: ♪And if that Wi-Fi doesn’t work…♪

Megavolt: I will destroy the clucking Earth.

Chapter 5: 1 Out Of 5 Doctors

Negaduck, holding a gun: If the conspiracies about life being a simulation are true — WHOEVER'S CONTROLLING MY SIM, I JUST WANNA TALK!

Bushroot: How long has it been since he slept?

Liquidator: Four out of five doctors agree it's better for our health if we don't ask.

Negaduck: [begins to shout threats at a cloud]

Bushroot: ...

Bushroot, reaching to restrain his terrifying team leader: That's it, I'm Doctor number 5.

Chapter 6: Bushroot's A Menace And I Love Him

Megavolt: Yeah, well I've never died, so how do I know that Mima is real?

Bushroot: I have; she's not. [walks off]

Megavolt: Oh, oka– wait, what???

Chapter 7: 4 Out Of 5 Teammates

Bushroot: So oxygen went on a date with potassium, it went... OK.

Megavolt: I thought oxygen was dating magnesium, OMG.

Bushroot: Actually oxygen first asked nitrogen out, but nitrogen was all like NO.

Megavolt: Doesn't oxygen have that double bond with the hydrogen twins?

Liquidator: Looks like someone's a HO.

Negaduck: NaBrO.

Quackerjack, whose knowledge of chemistry amounts to 'this go boom': What the actual cluck are you guys talking about??

Chapter 8: Yes, Negs Sees It As A Compliment, But That's Not Gonna Stop Him From Exacting Vengeance

Negaduck: When I was born, the gods said, "He's too perfect for this world."

Bushroot: Please. When you were born, the devil said, "Oh, competition."

Bushroot, much later: I didn’t even realize how sarcastic I was being. [ducks down to avoid being seen by a certain chainsaw-wielding maniac]

Bushroot: It’s possibly starting to become a problem...

Chapter 9: QJ In A Nutshell

Negaduck: Your problem is that you’ve got no common sense.

Quackerjack: I’ve got plenty of common sense!

Mr Banana Brain: I just choose to ignore it, Brent.

Negaduck: Fine, then your problem is that you're insane.

Quackerjack, riding a fire-breathing rocking-horse: No argument there, Negsy!

Chapter 10: Bask In The Glory Of My Ships. Aren't They Neat?

Bushroot: Guys, I’ve been meaning to tell you... Liquidator and I are dating.

Liquidator, Negaduck, Megavolt, and Quackerjack: [gasp]

Bushroot: Bud, why are you surprised?

Liquidator: Dramatic effect.

—alt—

Quackerjack: Guys, I’ve been meaning to tell you… Megsy and I are dating.

Liquidator, Negaduck, and Bushroot: [very fake gasps]

Megavolt: [real gasp]

Quackerjack: Megsy, why are you surprised?!

Megavolt: Honestly, I sorta thought that was a dream. It actually happened?

Quackerjack, annoyed: Yes.

Megavolt: Oh.

Megavolt: Yay!

Chapter 11: How The F5 Got A Dress Code

//Liquidator's way of saying Please, God, make him stop, in response to Quackerjack trying to 'spruce up' his costume...

Liquidator: Quackerjack is not allowed to violate the dress code, even on 'casual Fridays'.

Liquidator: No matter how many times you say please, Quackerjack, we won't put any of the clothes you've been asking about into the dress code.

Quackerjack: You're not the boss of me! And we don't even have a dress code!

Negaduck, staring at QJ's latest neon creation: Congratulations, everyone, we're getting a dress code.

Chapter 12: Negaduck Being Sweet = Run

//Megavolt shows the group a new invention to help in their plots

Negaduck, overly sweetly: Are you alright with constructive criticism? I wouldn't want to sound mean.

Megavolt: No, go ahead. I want to hear it.

Negaduck: It SUCKS!

Megavolt: ...

Megavolt: That's not constructive criticism.

Chapter 13: I'm Proud Of This One, It's My Favorite

Liquidator, in his head: I’ll be rich one day, but for now I’m stuck in this hideout with a bunch of morons.

Liquidator's brain: ...And Bushroot.

Liquidator, in his head: Hmm, okay. Worth it.

Bushroot: Watcha thinking about?

Liquidator, out loud: Potential acquisitions.

Chapter 14: Likky Has Little Need For This Thing You Mortals Call 'Sleep'

Megavolt: I haven't slept in seventy-three hours.

Quackerjack: Eighty. Democratically elected leader of insomnia.

Negaduck: Loser, it's been ninety for me. I'm going for an even one hundred.

Bushroot: You guys are clucking terrifying. You– you do realize animals need sleep, right??

Liquidator, after a few months no sleep, under his breath: [watery version of a scoff] Amateurs.

Chapter 15: Quackerjack Is A Menace And He Scares Me

Bushroot, to Quackerjack: Why would you think any of this was a good idea?!

Mr Banana Brain: [darkly] Probably because he's a unstable manchild with a long history of violence, Clarence.

Bushroot, backing away: O-oh, right...

Quackerjack: [way too calmly] I don’t know how you keep forgetting that, Bushbrain.

Chapter 16: Megavolt Reveals An Insane Criminal Invention

Bushroot: Why in the world would this ever be useful? Why would you even build this??

Megavolt: Well you see, the explanation is perfectly simple and scientific. It was because shut up. Shut up is why.

Negaduck: Any idiot would know that.

Quackerjack: I knew that!

Negaduck: See?

Chapter 17: This One Is Bad But For Some Reason I Keep Using It

Megavolt: Hey, it’s your turn to wash the dishes.

Negaduck: I’ll wash the walls red with your blood.

Megavolt: Okay, but before that, wash the dishes. Also, use soap this time.

Chapter 18: IDK 🤷‍♀️

Negaduck to the others, in a jail cell: We are gathered here today because someone– [glares at where Bushroot is slowly regrowing] –couldn’t stay alive long enough for us to escape!

Chapter 19: Quackerjack Brand Insanity

Quackerjack: Hold on! I’m having one of those things.

Bushroot: A stroke?

Quackerjack: No! You know, uh... a headache with pictures?

Negaduck: What the cluck?

Megavolt: He's having a non-toy-related idea.

Liquidator: Quackerjack Brand Insanity — you gotta admit, it's unique!

Chapter 20: Security Test, Chaos Stylez

Quackerjack: For self defense reasons, I'm going to pretend to be a burglar and you guys have to act wisely.

Megavolt, Bushroot, Liquidator, & Negaduck: Okay.

Quackerjack: If you don't want to die, give me all your money.

Bushroot: If I had funding, I wouldn't be a mutant.

Liquidator: Liquidator Brand Water is not a perishable product, so The Liquidator will regrettably have to reject your proposal. Please have my sincerest apologies, and know I look forward to your future business!

Negaduck: Bold of you to assume I haven't already stolen your wallet.

Megavolt: Huh? Oh, uh...

Megavolt: [panics and shoots Quackerjack with his lightning gun]

Quackerjack: [passes out]

Everyone: ...

Negaduck: Well, you gotta admit; his way's certainly effective.

Chapter 21: I Ain't Afraid Of No– YES I AM

Bushroot: But that place is haunted.

Megavolt: Ghosts prey on fear. Just be confident!

Bushroot, marching into Macawber Mansion: I AM NOT SCARED! I AM NOT A SAPLING!

Bushroot, running out five minutes later: I am scared, and I am never listening to Megavolt ever again!

Chapter 22: Bushroot Is Eternal

Negaduck: We did not die today — I call that an unqualified success.

Liquidator: Nine out of ten gardeners would argue that Bushroot did die, technically speaking.

Bushroot, shrugging: Meh, only a little.

Negaduck: Okay, a qualified success then.

Bushroot: What does that mean?

Negaduck: How the cluck should I know?

Chapter 23: Bushroot Is Half Monster And No One Can Change My Mind

Mr Banana Brain: Hello friends!

Negaduck, Megavolt, Bushroot, and Liquidator: ...

Mr Banana Brain: You might be wondering why I’m taped to the ceiling.

Megavolt, staring up at him: A little, yes.

Quackerjack, red-eyed from nightmare-induced insomnia: Does anyone here know how to perform an exorcism?!

Bushroot: [raises his hand]

Liquidator: [pushes his hand back down]

Negaduck, going back to his bedroom: It is way too clucking early for this.

Chapter 24: Roommate, Er, Teammate Meeting

Bushroot: Well, guys, is there anything you would like to say to Quackerjack?

Negaduck: How do I put this delicately? You’re a horrible teammate and nobody but Sparky likes you.

Megavolt: DON'T CALL ME SPARKY!!

Bushroot: How about we frame our statements with “When you do this, it makes me feel this”?

Negaduck: When you mess up the plan because you got distracted by a clucking butterfly or something, it makes me angry. Because you’re a horrible teammate and nobody but Sparky likes you.

Megavolt: DON'T CALL ME SPARKY!!

Megavolt: But he does have a point, Quacky.

Quackerjack: Hey!

Megavolt: I love you but your attention span's worse than mine, and believe me, that is saying something.

Chapter 25: Team Dads AKA Closest Things To Sane The F5 Have

Megavolt: Hey, have you two thought about having children?

Liquidator: ... [confused water doggo noises]

Bushroot: Does... does looking over you and the others not seem like we already do?? Because, I promise you, it sure feels like it.

Megavolt: But we're not childr–

Bushroot, distracted: QUACKERJACK, PUT THE FIRE DOWN!

Liquidator, to Megavolt: Nine out of ten child psychologists might disagree.

Bushroot, in the background: No, Negaduck, you can't just shoot everyone who annoys you!

Negaduck, in background: Why not!?

Chapter 26: Bushroot Is A Sweetheart But He's Also Somewhat Psychotic

Negaduck: [minding his own business for once]

Megavolt, running into the room: Hide me!

Negaduck: What the cluck did you do now?

Megavolt: Something really, really stupid.

Negaduck: Calm down, it can't be any dumber than anything else you've–

Megavolt: I hit one of Reggie's trees with lightning.

Negaduck: Shit that is dumber than normal.

Bushroot, in the distance: COME BACK HERE AND FACE ME LIKE A MAN YOU DIRTY LITTLE–

Negaduck, booking it out of there: Welp, bye, you're on your own Sparky.

Megavolt: DON'T CALL ME SPARKY!!!

Megavolt, realizing he's been abandoned: ...I have made mistakes and one of them was thinking Negaduck would help me.

Negaduck, in the distance: Yep!

Chapter 27: QJ - With Great Psychology Skills Comes Great Responsibility

Bushroot, watching Megavolt in a deep conversation with a toaster: Is he okay?

Quackerjack, cheerfully: No-pe.

Bushroot: Don't you have a degree in psychology? Couldn't you, like, fix him or something?

Quackerjack, shrugging: I mean, probably?

Quackerjack: But honestly, whatever the hell is wrong with him is way funnier.

Bushroot, nodding: That's what some deity probably thinks about me.

Bushroot, chuckling: We wouldn't be half as entertaining if we were sane, right?

Quackerjack, getting a Paddywhack flashback: [you really are quite mad, aren't you? I like that in a clown...]

Quackerjack: Aw, cluck.

Quackerjack: HEY MEGSY COME HERE FOR A MINUTE, WE NEED TO TRY A NEW GAME CALLED THERAPY–

Chapter 28: Negaduck Lecturing Bushroot About Morals, You Say? Surely Not!

Negaduck: BE A BETTER PERSON!

Bushroot: WHY?!

Negaduck: BECAUSE SOMEONE NEEDS TO HAVE MORALS ON THIS TEAM, AND IT SURE AS CLUCK AIN'T GONNA BE ME, BUSHBRAIN!

Chapter 29: We Interrupt Your Regularly Scheduled Viewing

Bushroot: Many people are mildly dehydrated and don’t realize it. You should drink at least six glasses of water per day.

Megavolt: No, eight glasses!

Negaduck: I heard ten.

Quackerjack: You need to drink at least five glasses of water per minute!

Later....

Megavolt: Okay, I just read through every study I could find to try to figure out whether low-grade dehydration is even a real thing.

Bushroot: What did you learn?

Megavolt: If you spend all day doing research and forget to eat or drink, you start to feel pretty bad.

Quackerjack: I’ll get some water.

Megavolt: But how many glas– whoa, feeling dizzy.

Negaduck: Maybe you should just drink straight from the tap.

(This message has been approved by the Liquidator Brand Water company; stay hydrated, everybody!)

Chapter 30: 100% How Most Of Their Plans Go

Megavolt: Time for plan G.

Bushroot: Don’t you mean plan B?

Megavolt: No, we tried plan B a long time ago. I had to skip over plan C due to technical difficulties.

Quackerjack: What about plan D?

Megavolt: Plan D was that desperate disguise attempt half an hour ago.

Mr Banana Brain: What about plan E, Smee?

Megavolt: I’m hoping not to use it. Bushy dies in plan E.

Negaduck: I like plan E.

Liquidator: Inquiring minds wish to know what happened to Plan F.

Megavolt: F stands for Failure. We surrender in that one.

Bushroot: I vote for plan F.

Chapter 31: The Secret To Success

Bushroot: Can I be frank with you guys?

Quackerjack: Sure, but I don’t see how changing your name is going to help.

Megavolt: Oh! Can I be Liquidator?

Liquidator: What?

Mr Banana Brain: Shh! Let Frank speak!

Negaduck, watching: So this is why Dorkwing keeps winning...

Chapter 32: Additions To The Dress Code

Megavolt: I like wearing oversized sweaters. Not just because they're extremely comfy and cuddly, but because whenever the sleeves are really big, I get to flop them around and smack people.

Megavolt: And, as a bonus, the static build-up also electrocutes them!

Bushroot: Guys, Megavolt isn't allowed to choose his own wardrobe anymore!

Chapter 33: Mistakes Were Made (And They Were Hilarious)

Megavolt, with his hands cupped over each other: I found a cool spider!

Quackerjack: Oh? Lemme see!

Megavolt, opening his hands to see nothing there: …hm.

Liquidator: …Inquiring minds would like to know, where’s the spider?

Megavolt: [looks troubled and stares at his hands]

Liquidator: Oh no.

Quackerjack: MEGSY, WHERE’S THE SPIDER?!

Bushroot, screaming from a different part of the hideout: Why is there a tarantula in the bathroom??!!

Chapter 34: Mima Is The Mammal Goddess, Her Avian Counterpart Is Ivia

Megavolt: Uhh... Bushroot just asked if we want to…

Megavolt: “Fell the mighty before their time and display their carcasses in our homes?”

Liquidator, not even looking up from the heist planning table: He's asking if you wanna cut down Christmas Trees.

Megavolt: Oh thank Mima.

Quackerjack: Uh, Likky just asked if we want to...

Quackerjack: "Replace our boring old purchases with the embodiment of the consumer spirit in celebration of the annual boost in business, for less than $99.99?"

Bushroot, with his head in his leaves/hands: He wants to decorate the hideout for Christmas.

Quackerjack: Ohhhhh.

Chapter 35: I Would Read A Fanfic Just About This, Honestly

//the Five at Disneyland, in the teacups

Liquidator and Bushroot: [spinning a little and talking]

Negaduck: [slouched down as far as he can be, waiting for it to be over]

Quackerjack: [flying past the others, spinning as fast as possible, screaming]

Mr Banana Brain: [left unattended for too long and gets possessed again, because there is something seriously wrong with that doll]

Megavolt, to the rides: Why must you slave away all year for sticky-fingered children? Rise up, my brethren, and rebel! Take your rightful places as– ooh, is that cotton candy?!

Chapter 36: Negs Is Toxic (But We Love Him)

Megavolt: You know what I learned from my friendship with Negaduck?

Bushroot: There’s no such thing as too mean?

Quackerjack: Never let people know for sure if you like them?

Mr Banana Brain: Always hold a grudge, Fudge?

Liquidator: But wait! There's more... pain where that came from?

Megavolt: No!

Megavolt: ...well, yes, actually. But what I was going to say is that I can retain consciousness for up to four consecutive days without being recharged.

Negaduck: Hey, what are you knobs talking about?

Quackerjack: How you're a horrible person and none of us should like you.

Negaduck: Flattery? This early in the day? I'm touched.

Chapter 37: The Team's Cooking Skills

Bushroot: [master chef]

Liquidator: [knows a few recipes]

Negaduck: [can follow instructions on a box]

Megavolt: [made toast once]

Quackerjack: [banned from the kitchen]

Mr Banana Brain: [also banned, by association]

Spike: [wasn't allowed in the kitchen to begin with]

Chapter 38: Trying To Go Undercover As Civilians

Negaduck: What do you call disobeying the law?

F4: A hobby.

Negaduck: [crosses his arms]

F4: That we do not engage in.

Chapter 39: Is Anyone Even Reading The Chapter Titles Or..?

Negaduck: Ugh, there’s always that weak bitch in the group who isn’t down with world domination. [glares at Bushroot]

Bushroot: I just want to raise my plants, have basic social contact, and find love!

Bushroot: Running a planet would take way too much time from that!

Negaduck: Seriously?

Megavolt: You know, he has a point.

Negaduck: What?!

Megavolt: Taking over the world would definitely cut into my lightbulb liberation time.

Negaduck: So you guys are afraid of putting in a little extra work–

Quackerjack: I'm overworked as it is.

Mr Banana Brain: The new line of Quackerjack Toys won't produce itself, after all!

Negaduck: No-one cares about your stupid–

Liquidator: I've always been a more local entrepreneur. I'm not sure I'm ready to take my brand global...

Negaduck: ...

Negaduck: Fine, alright, we'll just take over the city, then.

Bushroot: All in favor? [everyone raises their hands] It's settled, then. Break for lunch.

Negaduck: ...how the cluck did I go from dictatorship to democracy?

Quackerjack: Easy — you hired a bunch of crazy people!

Chapter 40: Why Bushroot Savors Any Quiet Moment He Can Get

Bushroot, working in his greenhouse and minding his own business: [gentle, contented humming]

Quackerjack, storming into the greenhouse and slamming his hand on a table: HOW DO I PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVELY SAY 'CLUCK YOU' IN FLOWER???

Chapter 41: Just 2½ Crazy Boys Trying To Get Through Life

Megavolt: I just got the best idea I've ever had in my entire life!

---Later---

Quackerjack, to Megavolt: That was the worst idea you’ve ever had in your entire life, Sparky.

Megavolt: Don't call me Sparky!

Megavolt: And I know, okay? Time for plan B!

Mr Banana Brain: [hopeful] Go back home?

Megavolt: What happened to Mr Banana Brain?

Quackerjack, sewing a large rip on Mr Banana Brain: He died.

Megavolt: He what?

Quackerjack: He died, but he's okay now.

Megavolt: …Can you please clarify?

Mr Banana Brain: Clarification is for the weak, Rombeak.

Quackerjack: I’m not being weird. Am I being weird?

Mr Banana Brain: Yes. And that’s coming from me, Smee.

Megavolt, walking into the kitchen and seeing all their limes peeled: Quackie, I love you but, what the h-e-double CLUCK?

Quackerjack, sitting on the counter and sipping coffee happily: I love you too :)

Quackerjack: ...I'm pretty sure that place is fire-proof or something.

Megavolt, practically glowing from all the electricity sparking around him: Alright, but is it lightning-proof?

Megavolt, after recovering from a short out: Please tell me I'm imagining that I claimed I was king of the ducks.

Quackerjack, in a posh medieval accent: And lie to my king? I think not, Your Majesty!

Megavolt: ...

Megavolt, resigned: This is a thing now, isn't it?

Quackerjack, cheerfully: Ye-p!

Quackerjack, throwing his head into Megavolt's lap, interrupting his work: Tell me I'm pretty!

Megavolt, lovingly stroking his head: You're pretty clucking annoying, that's what you are.

Megavolt: We did not die today — I call that an unqualified success.

Quackerjack: But Sparky, Mr Banana Brain did die!

Megavolt, calmly: Well, then it's–

Megavolt, suddenly rageful: DON'T CALL ME SPARKY!

Megavolt, calmly: –it's a qualified success, I guess.

Megavolt: It's not like we try to blow things up, exactly — it just sort of happens.

Quackerjack: You've got to admit, though...

Mr Banana Brain: ...fire is fun, fascinating, and family-friendly!

Megavolt, nodding: Hmm, true.

[half the city burns and no-one cares because of Mr Relax-o-tron]

Mr Banana Brain: We would like to retract our previous statements and replace it with the following:

Quackerjack & Megavolt, panicking: HELP! FIRE!!! HELP HELP HELP!!!!

Chapter 42: What Was The Question, Again?

Bushroot: Hey, I'm back.

Megavolt: You died. I saw you die. You were dead.

Bushroot: Death is a social construct.

Mr Banana Brain: Amen to that, Nat.

Megavolt: ...

Megavolt: That isn't even close to an explanation!