The Soong Brothers

Chapter 1: Babysitting

"Brother," Data said as he entered the room, "I request your assistance in finding someone to watch baby Lal while I am on duty."

"Why do you need to find someone to watch her?" Lore asked, looking up from where he had been reading a padd on the couch. Data did not ask what he was reading, having long ago accepted that it would most likely be horror, which Data had no interest in, and that Lore would make up graphic and unpleasant descriptions whether it was horror or not just to get Data to stop asking. "Just leave the brat with me. It's not like I've got anything better to do while on my 'parole'," he muttered, saying the last word like a curse.

"I will not be doing that," Data said as calmly as ever, though Lore decided to pretend he sounded slightly panicked at the idea.

"Why not?" Lore demanded. It's not like he really cared much about his so-called 'niece' nor did he have any real interest in watching her, but it was the principal of the thing that mattered. Besides, the sooner Data trusted him the sooner he could escape this stupid ship, and things like babysitting would go a long way in earning his younger-older-twin — ah, the confusing life of a technically-decommissioned android — brother's affection.

"So far, you have killed every houseplant I have," Data answered.

"I wouldn't kill your kid!" Lore snapped, more upset at the idea than he thought he'd be. "Honestly, brother, I'd expect those sorts of accusations from the humans," another perfectly innocent word he said with disgust, "but from you?" His mood flipping like a dime, Lore suddenly grinned, almost manic. "Shame, shame, brother mine. Being me shouldn't be a crime."

"Brother, you have started rhyming again." Data watched as Lore leaned back on the couch and began to hum absently. If he had been as human as he dreamed of being, Data would've sighed. His brother's malfunctions worried him greatly, though he rarely addressed them, as he knew Lore would grow upset if he mentioned them too often. "This is why I cannot let you watch Lal, brother. I am sorry, but you can barely be trusted with your own survival, much less the survival of another."

"It's not like I'd have to feed her, bathe her, or give her water. It's not like you've got a dumb human of a daughter," Lore argued, feeling strangely committed to the idea of babysitting his niece. "I'd just have to stop her frying her circuits by doing something she shouldn't, something to bring you woe. This wouldn't even be a problem if you'd just deactivate her when you left, you know."

"Your rhymes are getting more forced, brother," Data informed him. Then, considering for a moment, he decided to move over to the couch and sit next to the other. He ignored Lore when he petulantly kicked at him. He added, "I cannot shut Lal off whenever she is inconvenient, that is not how a family operates."

"It's what father did," Lore grumbled.

"And that was wrong," Data said, ignoring the way Lore's eyes widened slightly, as they always did when he admitted fault in their creator. Besides the occasional twitch — that might've been faked, Data still couldn't tell — Lore had complete control over his artificial facial muscles, and Data knew that his brother was trying to make some sort of point with every expression, no matter how small. Nothing Lore did was ever fully without ulterior purpose. "Baby Lal may not require physical nutrition or care, but she still needs high levels of mental stimulation and emotional bonding. The entire point of giving her a childhood is to help her bioartificial brain develop."

"Yes, yes, I know," Lore dismissed, crossing his arms. "Well, I still could watch her. I'm a master of mental stimulation–"

"Watch who?" B4 asked, entering the quarters. In his arms, Spot was curled up and breathing gently in sleep. Data was pleased with how much Spot had taken to his brother, even if it was most likely due to the fact that her various attempts to claw him to shreds had both failed and did not bother him.

"Starfleet Lapdog Jr," Lore answered. He used to call Data 'Starfleet's Bitch', but wisely decided to change it when he began to apply it to Lal as well. "Turns out that Data can't give his daughter the time and affection she needs because of his work~" Lore continued in a sing-song, grinning maliciously.

Fearing that Lore might decide to make up another hurtful song, as he occasionally had a habit of doing, Data quickly turned to B4 and asked, "How was your day, brother?"

"Very adventurous, Data," B4 said with a smile. He walked over to the couch to sit on Data's other side, giving Lore a wide berth as he did so. It wasn't that he was scared of his brother, it was just that... he was scared of his brother. "Spot left the quarters, which I remember you said she isn't allowed to do by herself, just like Lore–"

Lore attempted to hit him with a throw pillow at that, but Data managed to block him before he could, taking the pillow from him. Hence why Data usually sat between his brothers.

"–and I didn't want to bother you while you were at work, so I went to find her!"

"Did you retrieve her all by yourself, B4?" Data asked, ignoring Lore's muttered cursing and attempts to retrieve the pillow.

"No, Wesley helped me," B4 told him, gently stroking Spot's fur. "I bumped into him while I was searching. I like Wesley, he is... Hmm... Oh, I can't remember the word."

"What is the definition?" Data asked.

"It means..." B4 thought for a moment. "...that you treat others well?"

"Considerate, helpful, neighborly," Data began guessing, "magnanimous, thoughtful, altruistic–"

"Sweet, nice, kind," Lore mocked.

"That's it!" B4 grinned, pointing at Lore. "Wesley is very kind."

"How do you forget a word like kind?" Lore asked, incredulous. "Honestly, Beta, you're better than this. You aren't some weak-minded biological whose squishy mind retains information like a bucket with a hole in the bottom."

"But Lore," B4 began, face scrunched in confusion, "a bucket with a hole in the bottom couldn't hold anything very well."

"I believe that is the point," Data explained, handing Lore back the pillow he had confiscated earlier so that the other might scream into it in frustration. "He is saying that you are not like a bucket with a hole in the bottom, and therefore should hold knowledge much better than one such item would hold water."

"But I'm terrible at remembering things, brother," B4 protested, trying to remember exactly how Lore had worded his analogy so that he could wrap his mind around it.

"I am aware," Data agreed, ignoring how Lore burst into laughter at that. There were a lot of things he ignored about Lore. And what he said next was most certainly not a petty attempt at revenge. Of course not. That would require Data to feel emotions like his brothers, which he obviously didn't. So, his intentions were completely benign when he added, "I believe that it was Lore's way of trying to compliment you, B4, by saying you are above the humans he so detests."

"Oh, Lore, really?" B4 asked, tearing up. Before Lore could protest that that was most certainly not what he had meant, B4 climbed over Data and pulled Lore into a hug. Spot, startled, ran to hide in her room (technically Data's bedroom, but everyone called it hers). "I think you're better than everyone else too!"

"Data, help me!" Lore hissed quietly over B4's shoulder, trying and failing to extract himself from the other's embrace. Data gave his head a single shake 'no'. Lore gasped. "You did this on purpose, didn't you, you little–"

It was at this point that the door to their quarters slid open once again and let in Geordi LaForge, who was carrying a wrapped bundle carefully in his arms. "Hey, Data, Lal's all done with her check-up."

Geordi paused just inside the room, taking in the scene before him. B4 looked like his tear ducts had malfunctioned again, Lore looked just shy of assaulting someone, and Data — though the android would forever deny the possibility — looked entirely too pleased with himself. Just another day with the Soong brothers, Geordi mused to himself.

"How'd the little brat do?" Lore asked, remembering that he was trying to convince Data that he should be allowed to watch her — although he barely remembered nor cared why he wanted to anymore, and was close to shrugging and giving up on it — and thus deciding to show that he could care about stupid things like check-ups. "Finally taking after her dear uncles and spiraling into a mess of malfunctions?"

"Lore!" B4 admonished. "That wasn't very kind at all, that was... Oh... Th-the opposite of kind!"

"Inconsiderate," Data suggested, "insensitive, impol–"

"Mean," Lore tried.

"Yes, that's it," B4 agreed, nodding excitedly. "That was very mean, Lore."

"Well, I'm a very mean person," Lore snapped, still struggling against B4's hold.

Holding him tighter, B4 answered, "I don't think you're a mean person, brother, I just think you need more examples of love in your life."

"No, I don't!" Lore protested. Desperate, he looked over at Data's human pet (Data hated when he called him that), and begged, "Can't you deactivate him or something? Please?" he added, remembering Data's insistence that 'please' was somehow magical and figuring that this would be a good time to test it. If it worked and Geordi helped him, he had a new weapon against the pathetic humans. If it didn't and Geordi ignored him, then he could bring this situation up the next time Data insisted that he would've gotten his way in some situation or other if he'd been more polite. Win-win.

"Lal's in tip-top shape, Data," Geordi said, ignoring the others' antics. "We had a little incident where she tried to stick a flux coupler in her mouth, but I got it from her in time. It wasn't easy, though, she's a strong little baby," Geordi said with a chuckle, handing the sleeping infant over to Data.

"I am sorry for the incident, Geordi," Data told him sincerely. "I do not understand why she keeps up her attempts to eat your tools, despite them not being edible and her not being able to feel hunger. Perhaps... Perhaps she is malfunctioning."

"Calm down, Data," Geordi told him. "You modeled her after a human toddler. I'm sorry to say it, buddy, but human toddlers like sticking things in their mouths. It doesn't matter if it's food or if they're hungry, if they can fit it in their mouths then they're going to try to eat it."

"That is most nonsensical behavior," Data said, fascinated by the idea. "If I may ask, why would they do such a thing? It seems a hindrance to the survival of an infant."

"Don't look at me, Data, I'm as clueless as you are about this stuff." Geordi shrugged.

"No-one's as clueless as Data about this stuff. Except maybe B4," Lore mused. He had given up escaping and had instead shifted so he could lay back on the arm of the couch while B4 continued to hug him, turning his brother into a sort of blanket and further trapping himself, but at least he was more comfortable. "Which reminds me — LaForge, you have my dear brother's ear; tell him he's being an idiot about getting someone to watch Lal. I'll give you a treat if you do~"

If Data was human, he would've buried his head in his hands. Actually, he wouldn't have, as his hands were occupied with holding Lal. But he still imagined that he could feel the urge to do so. "Lore, I do not wish to have to explain to you the differences between Spot and Geordi again. Especially since we are both aware that you know that humans are not cats."

"No, give me that lecture again, brother," Lore drawled. "After all, B4 doesn't understand the difference, it'll be good for him to listen in."

"I know the difference," B4 argued, his voice slightly muffled from where he was snuggled into Lore's chest. "Cats are smaller and have claws. And they have fur," he added, proud of himself for knowing.

"Geordi might just be a declawed, hairless giant," Lore suggested sarcastically.

Shifting slightly to give Geordi a wide-eyed, appraising look without releasing his brother, B4 whispered, "You think so?"

"It's definitely a possibility," Lore told him as seriously as he could manage. His eye began to twitch violently as he fought back a grin.

"I apologize for my brothers, Geordi," Data told his best friend, gently rocking Lal as he did so.

"It's fine, Data, I'm used to it by now." Geordi shrugged. "What's this about you needing someone to watch the kid, though?"

"The captain very generously gave me a few months to get Lal settled," Data reminded him. "But that time is over now, and I cannot watch Lal while on duty."

"And Lore thinks that you're being an idiot because..?" Geordi asked, though he doubted that Lore needed an actual reason to declare someone else an idiot.

"He won't let me watch her!" Lore explained angrily. He remembered now why he wanted to do so in the first place, and his determination to do so was strengthened once more. "My dear brother doesn't believe I'd make a good babysitter."

"You? Responsible for a child?" Geordi shuddered. "Yeah, good call, Data. I don't even wanna think about what would happen if you let Lore watch her."

"Why does everyone think I'd harm the brat?" Lore hissed. He was beginning to feel rather hurt annoyed at the implication. "You leave me alone with the fleabag, and I don't hurt her!"

"I don't think you'd hurt Lal, brother," B4 mumbled. His voice was faint and his eyes were beginning to droop.

"B4, don't you dare fall asleep on me," Lore said quickly, head snapping to look at him in panic. B4 slumped fully against him, and Lore struggled against the sudden dead weight pressing him into the couch. "B4? Beta? Wake up, you idiot! Beta! Get off me! DATA, HE DID IT AGAIN!"

"...perhaps Mrs. O'Brien would be willing to watch her," Data mused. "I am sure Lal would enjoy spending time with Molly."

"Yeah, that's probably for the best," Geordi agreed, holding back a laugh.

Just another day with the Soong brothers, indeed.