Smurfmates

Chapter 1: Groceries

Magician: I'm visiting Trader Smurf for provisions; do you smurf anything?

Jokey: Actually, yes. I hava list.

Magician, reading: Epsom salts, coconut oil, baking soda, cornstarch, lavender essential oils… citric acid…?

Jokey: I’m smurfin' homemade bath bombs.

Magician: Smokeless gunpowder?!

Jokey: I wanna smurf it right!

Chapter 2: Okay, So I Realized This Could Be Seen Badly, And I Want To Clarify He Means In A Supernatural/Harmless Way, Like That One Pokémon Whose Head Explodes And Remakes Or Electrode, That Sort Of Thing

Jokey: Do ya ever smurf like exploding? Have ya smurfed the urge to enter the process of combustion? Has yer mind created a logical idea, known as thought, to smurf yer body into thousands of particles suddenly?

Magician: It’s 3 am, please smurf back to sleep.

Chapter 3: Alibi

Jokey: [sneaks in late, covered in soot]

Magician: What did you do?

Jokey, nervously: Uh... Hehehe...

Magician, sighing: Listen, do I need to lie to Security again or not?

Chapter 4: After They Start Dating

Jokey: Y're th' love of my life, I'd smurf anythin' within reason ta make ya happy.

Magician: I'd be happy if you ate enough food, smurfed enough sleep, and stopped provoking Gargamel for fun.

Jokey: I said within reason, Maggie. How 'bout I blow that Smurf up for ya?

Magician: So explosives are within reason but proper self care isn't?

Jokey: Well, duh. Wha' kinda question is that?

Chapter 5: Boss Move

Jokey: I thrive on negative attention!

Magician: [walks up, kisses his cheek, walks off]

Jokey, dazed: I, I guess positive attention's good too. Ya know, if y're inta that sorta thing...

Chapter 6: Believe It Or Not, Jokey's Not The Weird One In This Relationship

Magician: Don't worry, I still have a few knives up my sleeves.

Jokey: I think ya mean cards.

Magician, pulling metal-edged cards out of her sleeves: Same thing.

Chapter 7: Declaration Of Love

Jokey: Ya laugh real easily, hava tendency ta explode things, an' yer safety standards fer magic trick props are highly questionable.

Magician: …

Jokey, with hearts in his eyes: Y're everything I’ve ever wanted in a smurffriend!

Chapter 8: Permit

Magician, watching Jokey load paint-filled water balloons into a canon: Are you sure this is a good idea?

Jokey: Don’t worry, I hava permit.

Magician: ...This just says “I can smurf what I want” in glitter glue.

Jokey, proud: I smurfed it myself!

Chapter 9: The Exact Moment Jokey Fell In Love

Magician: Watcha doing?

Jokey: Stealin' Gargamel's cat.

Magician: Scandalous.

Magician: Can I help?

Chapter 10: Competitive

Jokey: Do ya wanna smurf ta boardgame night wit' me an' my friends?

Magician, darkly: There are no friends when smurfing board games. If I am there, I am there to win.

Jokey: ...

Jokey, grinning: Now ya HAFTA smurf ta boardgame night!

Chapter 11: Making Them Mushroommates Was A Truly Horrible Idea On Somesmurf's Part

Alchemist, talking to the village: This here is a very powerful artifact, my dear Smurfs. Don't touch it, you’d be smurfing with some forces we don’t fully undersmurf.

Jokey: That smurfs like a dare to me.

Magician: Oh my smurf.

Jokey: Ya really don't wanna smurf the mysterious magic thingy?

Magician: Jokey Smurf, do you even know me?

Magician: Of course I want to smurf the mysterious magic thingy!

Chapter 12: Obligatory 'IDK 🤷‍♀️' Chapter

Magician: Do you have any idea what you’re smurfing?

Jokey: Why smurf now?

Chapter 13: Early On In Their Cohabitation

Jokey: Would ya like somethin' ta smurf? [looks through fridge] We have water, milk, juice, spiders, chocolate milk–

Magician: Wait, spiders??

Jokey: Spiders it is, then.

Magician: No, that wasn’t–

Jokey: [pours her a brimming glass of baby spiders…]

Magician: [screams]

Jokey: [cackles]

Magician: [screams louder]

Jokey: [cackles louder]

//Later

Jokey: [finds that his bed has been replaced with a tarantula]

Jokey, hiding in the closet because said tarantula is Not Happy: Maybe this [giggles] smurfmate thing won' be so bad after all...

Chapter 14: Soulmates

Jokey: Hey, Maggie, d'ya know how ta smurf off the wee-woo thingy?

Magician: The what?

Jokey: Ya know, it smurfs a wee-woo noise when ya — accidentally — trigger a blast box in the Mushroom?

Magician: ...THE FIRE ALARM!?

Jokey, shrugging: I mean, it's more explosion than fire, but sure.

///A different day

Magician: [exits the Mushroom, covered in soot]

Jokey, worried: Are ya okay?!

Magician, grinning a bit madly: 'Okay'? I finally smurfed out how to smurf the disappearing sock trick, I'm more than 'okay'! What kind of question is that???

In the background, the Mushroom starts smoking and a loud wee-woo noise can be heard.

Magician, shaking her head: Smurfs, Jokey, it's like you don't even know me sometimes.

Jokey, glancing between her and the burning Mushroom: I t'ink I'm gonna agree wit' ya there...

Chapter 15: I Wanted To Do Humor But The Characters Wanted To Have An Important Discussion Instead

Magician: If I'm extra sarcastic with you it probably means I'm either flirting with you or you really annoy me and I can't handle your crap.

Jokey: ...

Magician: Have fun smurfing out which one.

Jokey: Ya do realize that's kinda a really toxic thing ta smurf, right?

Magician: It's not... Oh wait, it is, isn't it?

Magician: Well, you've said some pretty toxic smurf too!

Jokey: Like what?

Magician: "She's playing hard to get, little does she know I'm a master of playing hard to get rid of."

Jokey: ...okay, so maybe that was a liddle–

Jokey: Wait, how d'ya even know I smurfed that?

Magician: I, um, may have been stalking you a little?

Jokey: ...

Magician: ...sorry?

Jokey: I mean, I don't think I actually hava problem wit' that, though..?

Magician: Well, I didn't really have a problem with you smurfing the 'get rid of' thing either.

Jokey: So... Are we okay?

Magician: I think so..?

Magician: Maybe we should smurf to Mental, but if neither of us are uncomfortable or getting hurt, then it should be fine.

Magician: Right?

Jokey, shrugging: I guess?

//Awkward silence

Jokey: So are ya flirtin' wit' me or are ya jus' tired of my crap?

Magician, rolling her eyes: Yes, because obviously I'm hopelessly in love with you.

Magician, leaving the room: Smurfs, Jokey.

Jokey, following her: That doesn't really answer my question, ya know...

Chapter 16: [Butterfly Guy Meme] Is This Flirting?

Jokey: Th' stars 're so beautiful...

Magician: They're just giant balls of gas in a constant state of explosion.

Jokey: That is th' single most romantic thing anysmurf's ever smurfed ta me.

Chapter 17: My Favorite, I Want To Write A Fic Expanding On It Eventually

Jokey: Sooo... what would ya smurf if ya were in bed wit' me?

Magician: Hmm... Depends, is your bed comfortable?

Jokey: Yes.

Magician, flatly: I'd sleep.

Jokey, unfazed: Ah, but where would I sleep, then?

Magician, smirking: Your bed's pretty big, I think we'd be alright.

Jokey, chuckling: Oh, clever!

Jokey: Hey, Magician?

Magician: Yeah?

Jokey, sincerely: Thanks.

Magician, confused: For not hypothetically kicking you out of your own bed?

Jokey: Fer playin' along wit' my jokes [suddenly nervous] I, um... Not many smurfs like playin' wit' me, an' I get why, but...

Jokey, shrugging: Jus' thanks, I guess.

Magician, quietly: ...anytime.

//Later, a storm is raging outside

Jokey, shaking Magician awake: M-Maggie?

Magician, bleary-eyed: What..?

Jokey: C-can I... I won' try anythin' or prank ya, I swear, I just– [thunder booms loudly]

Jokey, nearly jumping out of his skin: [not pausing for breath] Idon'twannabealonepleasecanIsleepinyerbed?

Magician, scooching over: [lifts blanket] Yeah, sure, come on.

Jokey: [climbs under blanket, laying as far from Magician as possible so as not to come off as faking his fear to be inappropriate]

[more thunder]

Jokey, within 0.5 seconds: [zooms next to Magician and clings to her as tightly as possible]

Jokey, trying to pull away: S-sorry, I–

Magician: [pulls him closer] No, shhh, it's alright.

Jokey: ...

Jokey: Magician?

Magician, yawning: Yeah?

Jokey, softly: Thanks.

Magician, falling asleep: Hmm... Anytime.

Chapter 18: Questions And Answers

Jokey: [rushes in looking panicked]

Magician: What did you smurf this time?

Jokey: Nosmurf died.

Magician: What kind of answer is that?!

Chapter 19: Ta-Da!

Magician: Can you please just smurf this discussion seriously for once?!

Jokey, sitting on top of the bookshelf: Those are some mighty brave words from a girl smurfin' in lava.