Doctor Who Incorrect Quotes

Chapter 1: Reverse Tooth Fairy

Eleven: Reverse tooth fairy where you leave money under your pillow and the tooth fairy comes and leaves you a bunch of teeth.

Twelve: Why?

Eleven, shaking a bag of teeth: Just because.

Chapter 2: McRage

Nine, working at McDonald's: Sorry sir, we don't serve a McFuck here, so either you throw that one slice of pickle out or we're gonna have a McProblem.

Chapter 3: So Random

Nine, smugly, after security arrives to escort Thirteen and Ten out: So, do you wanna walk out of here or do you wanna be carried out?

Ten, in defeat: Let’s go.

Thirteen: Wait.

Ten: What?

Thirteen: I’d kinda like to be carried out...

Chapter 4: I Love Her, But Her Brain Is So Scrambled

Thirteen: I'm usually that person who has no idea what's going on.

Chapter 5: Her (Beloved) Problem(s)

Tardis: I keep a picture of all of you in my mainframe. Whenever I face difficulties, I pull it up and stare at the picture.

The Doctors: Awwww–

Tardis: And I tell myself "If I can deal with these idiots, then I can deal with anything."

The Doctors: Oh.

Chapter 6: IDK 🤷‍♀️

Thirteen: If you see me talking to myself, go away! I’m self-employed and we’re having a staff meeting!

Chapter 7: Guitar. On A Tank. In The Middle Ages. DUDE 😎

Twelve: I came out here to have a good time and I'm honestly feeling so attacked right now.

Chapter 8: Alien Invasion Every Other Week

Eleven: Remember how I once thought that this place [gestures to Earth in general] couldn't possibly be any weirder than my hometown?

Eleven: Well, now I’m not sure how to feel about being proven wrong.

Chapter 9: The One That I Could Most See Actually Happening In Canon

Cop: You ran a red light.

Nine, on a stolen motorcycle: So did you, hypocrite.

Rose, in sidecar, head in her hands: Oh god...

Cop: I was following you!

Nine: Well that was dumb, I'm a terrible driver.

Cop: ...

Cop: Get out.

Chapter 10: CANON

New Companion, with dawning realization: Do you have any idea at all what you’re doing?

Doctor, cheerfully: Why start now?

Chapter 11: Sword

//Different Doctors responding to being stabbed by a sword

Nine: Rude.

Ten: Not again.

Twelve: That's fair.

Eleven/Thirteen: Are you gonna want this back or can I keep it?

Chapter 12: Exactly How That One Episode Went

War: Are you both just complete blabbering fools?

Ten & Eleven: ...

Eleven: Sounds right, yes.

Ten: Yeah, pretty much.

Chapter 13: Again, CANON

Literally almost any Doctor to their immediate predecessor: If you can ever manage to get over yourself, I would highly recommend being me.

War & Twelve, to Eight & Eleven respectively: Can you just, like, not regenerate??? Please?

Chapter 14: He Has Two Modes

The Doctor: Someone will die...

Also The Doctor: Of fun!

Chapter 15: Exactly How The Show Played It

The Master: I am literally evil incarnate.

Missy: I’m not actually, I just enjoy being evil.

The Master: Which I think actually makes it even more evil because I’m making a conscious effort.

Chapter 16: Irony

Twelve: I drink to forget but I always remember.

Clara: You're drinking orange juice.

Chapter 17: Literally Her Entire Personality

Donna: [Hugs Ten from behind]

Donna: [Tucks Ten's hair behind his ear]

Donna, whispering: Eat all the frosted animal crackers again and they'll never find your body.

Chapter 18: Some Things Never Change~

Rose: I called you like ten times! Why didn’t you pick up?

Nine: [remembers dancing to the ringtone]

Nine: I didn’t hear it.

Donna: I called you like ten times! Why didn’t you pick up?

Ten: [remembers dancing to the ringtone]

Ten: I didn’t hear it.

Amelia Pond: I called you like ten times! Why didn’t you pick up?

Eleven: [remembers dancing to the ringtone]

Eleven: I didn’t hear it.

Bill: I called you like ten times! Why didn’t you pick up?

Twelve: [remembers dancing to the ringtone]

Twelve: I didn’t hear it.

Fam: We called you like ten times! Why didn’t you pick up?

Thirteen: [remembers dancing to the ringtone]

Thirteen: I didn’t hear it.

Chapter 19: Deepest Truths

//Twelve is casually searching around a park\\

Parkgoer: Hey dude, what’re you looking for?

Twelve: My will to live.

//TARDIS appears in the middle of the park\\

Parkgoer: What the–!?

Twelve: Oh, there it is.

Chapter 20: My Favorite Era

Eleven, holding up his sonic: Can I go outside and play with this?

Amelia Pond: Sure, whatever. I'm not your mum, okay?

Eleven, running outside: Thanks!

Rory, running out after him and screaming: NO, DON'T EXPLODE THE STREET LAMPS! DOCTOR!

[Car crash is heard]

TARDIS: ...

Amelia Pond: Okay, fine, I'll go after them!

TARDIS: ...

Amelia Pond: ...

Amelia Pond: WELL FUCK YOU TOO

Chapter 21: Did These Two Ever Actually Interact?

River: Gatekeep, girlboss, and what's the other one again?

Missy: There isn't another one. You're crazy.

Chapter 22: Another 100% Canon Moment

Rory: Which movie are you and the Doctor going to see tonight?

River: Oh, I always go to whichever movie he wants.

Rory: Which one does he want to see, then?

Eleven: She hasn't decided yet.

River: I'm in the mood for something silly. Something with lots of, you know...

Rory: Slapstick?

River, wistfully: Gratuitous violence.

Chapter 23: TELL ME I'M WRONG, I DARE YOU

Rookie Companion: Wow, the Doctor is so competent and badass.

Experienced Companion: [snorts]

Doctor, rushing past: We need to go I tried to make pasta in the coffee pot and now the space squid have found me!

Rookie Companion: ...what

Experienced Companion, sighing: Again??

Chapter 24: He Would So Do This

Companion: Damn, no lights.

Doctor: Don’t worry, I got this.

Doctor: [starts to glow with streaks of golden energy]

Companion: What–?

Doctor: I'm dying!

Companion: WHAT–?!

Chapter 25: Jack, Sweetie, NO

Jack Harkness: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes.

Doctor: Wow, I've gotta hear this.

Jack Harkness: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his sister and ate all his groceries and didn't share.

Doctor: You forgot pride.

Jack: No, I'm pretty proud of this.

Chapter 26: Canonly, Yes He Does

Clara: Do you have any children?

Doctor: Uhh... Yeah, sort of. In a way.

Clara: Really? How many?

Doctor: Biologically, legally, or emotionally? Because there is a difference.

Chapter 27: Parallels

River/Missy: People tell me I have a unique way of lighting up a room.

Doctor, SO tired: It’s called arson and those people are called witnesses.

Doctor: People tell me I have a unique way of lighting up a room.

Companion, SO tired: It’s called arson and those people are called witnesses.

Chapter 28: Their Entire Dynamic In A Single Scene

Doctor: I need you to help me.

Master: Got two words for you.

Doctor: I bet they won't be helpful.

Master, holding up two fingers: Your. Problem.

Doctor: ...

Doctor: Master, please, I can't do this without you.

Master: Oh fine, but only because I just LOVE it when you say my name [giggles and cocks shotgun he got from... somewhere] Now who am I killing?

Doctor: NOT THAT KIND OF HELP

Chapter 29: TBC, Missy And The Master Are Terrible People Who Deserve Death, Occasional Humor And Minor Sympathetic Moments Don't Change That, And Neither Does The Doctor's Connection To Them

Missy: Is this about me?

Clara: No.

Missy: Then I've lost interest.

Clara: It's about the Doctor.

Missy: Interest regained, continue.

Chapter 30: Here's The Big Question: Sonic Screwdriver Or Regular Screwdriver?

Yaz: Someone’s trying to break in. Call for backup!

Thirteen: [pulls out screwdriver] I got this.

Graham: Last week you fell up the stairs, what do you mean–

Chapter 31: Them Interacting In Non-Battle Contexts Was Comedy Gold

Missy: Guess what?

Twelve: What?

Missy: No, you have to guess.

Twelve, thinking: I don’t know.

Missy: River's in the hospital.

Twelve: Why would you make me guess that?!

Missy: ...

Missy: Hello, I'm the Mistress, I like to see people suffer. Have we met?

Twelve: Okay, yeah, fair. What happened?!

Missy: She called me 'evil Mary Poppins'.

Missy: I mean, true, but I couldn't just let that stand now could I? Just think of what it would do to my reputation!

Twelve: ...I hate you.

Missy: Love you too 😘

Chapter 32: I Want Him To Have A Child Companion So Bad, It Would Completely Change The Show In The Best Way

Young Amelia Pond: I wish I could control wasps and bees to sting my enemies.

Eleven: Aren't you a little young to have enemies?

Young Amelia Pond, shaking her head: You don’t even know.

Young Amelia Pond: You disgust me.

Eleven, eating fishfingers and custard: I realize this and don’t care.

Chapter 33: Her Exact Personality

Sorcerer: I give you a cursed amulet!

Thirteen: Cool! It’ll make me look cute, and the shadow that follows me will make me more active; I’ll get out more!

Chapter 34: I Love Their Friendship

Ten, with a headache: Advil me up, daddy.

Donna: I will short out the language centre of your brain if you say anything like that ever again.

Ten: You don't know how to do that.

Donna: But the TARDIS does.

Ten: ...

Ten: ...sorry.

Chapter 35: But I Love This Dynamic More XD

Eleven: Strawberry milk doesn’t taste like strawberry OR milk.

Amelia Pond: Go the fuck to sleep.

Chapter 36: Meme + Callback

Clara: Is five a lot of followers?

Twelve: Depends on the context.

Twelve: On Instagram? No, not a lot of followers.

Twelve: In a dark alley? Yes, a lot of followers.

Clara, tapping a TARDIS console: Hmm... What about little squiggly things?

Twelve: What?

Twelve: [looks at console]

Twelve: OH NO THE SPACE SQUIDS FOUND US!!!

Chapter 37: Poor Baby Has Self-Hate And Guilt Issues (Luckily I Headcanon 13 As Getting Over Them)

Companion: Okay, you’re offered 500,000 dollars, but if you accept it, the person you hate the most in the world gets 1,000,000 dollars. Would you take it?

Doctor: I don't know... I mean, what would I do with 1,500,000 dollars?

Companion: ...

Companion: Doctor, no.

Chapter 38: The Standards Saga

The Doctor: I have very high standards, you know.

River: [is the embodiment of confusing Timey Wimey bullshit while also being batshit crazy]

The Doctor: Oh no! She's meeting all my standards!

The Doctor: I have very high standards, you know.

Random person wandering into the TARDIS: It's bigger on the inside?? Neat.

The Doctor: Hello would you like to be kidnapped for a while?

Person: ...

Companion: Sure.

The Doctor: Sweet! New best friend!

Companion: What happened to your old best friend?

The Doctor: They usually die horribly.

Companion: Huh. Anyways, where we going?

The Doctor, in his head: Fuck, they're meeting all my standards.

The Doctor: I have very high standards, you know.

The TARDIS: [becomes a woman]

The Doctor: ...

The Doctor: Okay, nevermind, I have a single standard and you just met it.

Chapter 39: Parallels 2

The Doctor: Your Honor, I hereby submit the following to the court:

The Doctor: River, what the actual FUCK?

Companion: Your Honor, I hereby submit the following to the court:

Companion: Doctor, what the actual FUCK?

Chapter 40: Short And Silly, But Very Him

Police Officer: You have the right to remain silent.

Doctor: I choose to waive that right.

Doctor: [screams]

Chapter 41: I'm Fairly Certain She's Short, But I Also Tend To Forget I'm Taller Than My Dad, So

Rose: Of course I have a lot of pent-up rage, you idiot! I've been the same height since I was twelve!

Chapter 42: 90% Of His Personality

Jack Harkness: I am not a whore, but — not that I’ve done the math — if I were, I’d be the super classy kind that gets flown to Dubai to stay in an underwater hotel.

Chapter 43: Does This Count As A Callback?

Nine: Have I ever told you that I love you with my whole heart?

Rose: For the love of all that is holy, I am not taking you to McDonalds. It’s 2am!

Nine: Mean.

Chapter 44: Immediately Proven Wrong

Companion: Do you ever get pre-annoyed? Like you already know someone is going to piss you off?

Doctor: What? No, I—

Master: [enters room]

Doctor: [jaw clenches]

Chapter 45: Yes

River, talking to Companion: Well dear, whenever I’m about to do something, I think ‘would The Doctor do that?’ and if he would, I do not do that thing.

Companion: …

The Doctor, cheerfully, hanging haphazardly from a bunch of wires in the TARDIS's Control Room: She's not wrong though!

Chapter 46: Their Entire Dynamic In A Second Scene

The Doctor: Master, this morning, I called you abhorrent and reprehensible, and I’d like to withdraw that statement–

The Master: What? Why?

The Doctor: But I can't. Those are the 2 words that best describe you.

The Master: Flattery? Now I almost feel bad about trying to throw your little pets into that black hole.

The Doctor: No you don't.

The Master: No I don't.

Chapter 47: This Actually Basically Happened

Missy: I love you with all my heart and would do anything within reason to make you happy.

Twelve: Stop trying to genocide my favorite species.

Missy: I said within reason.

Missy: How about I amass an army for you?

Twelve: Please don't.

Missy: Too late [winks]

Chapter 48: First/Last Meeting

Ten: You don't know anything about me!

River: I know everything about you!

River: You are an open book written for very dumb children!

Chapter 49: IDK 🤷‍♀️ I'm Getting Tired

Clara: Bottling up negative emotions is bad for your health, so you shouldn't do it.

Twelve: I know, that's why I bottle up all my emotions, both positive and negative, so it cancels out.

Clara: ...That's not how that works.

Clara: Are you okay?

Twelve: [cheerful] No-pe!

Chapter 50: Cats Are Cute But Unfortunately Cause Schizophrenia And Toxoplasmosis, Be Aware And Avoid Cats For Your Own Health And Safety

Eleven, carrying a box: What would you say if– if I, hypothetically, came home with 7 kittens one day?

River: …

River: What’s in the box?

Eleven: ...

River: Sweetie, what’s in the box?

Eleven: I think you know.

Chapter 51: Twelfthlife (Technically Thirteenthlife) Crisis

Bill: Are you good?

Twelve: In what sense?

Bill: Generally.

Twelve, cheerfully: Oh, definitely not.

Chapter 52: Another 'Tell Me I'm Wrong' Moment

The Doctor: Don’t mansplain this to me!

River: Wh– I’m a woman! I can't mansplain anything to you!

The Doctor: Well, I’m a feminist, and I believe a woman can do anything a man does!

River: ...Sweetie, that's not how that works.

The Doctor: Honestly, I barely understand the concept of gender in the first place, so...

Chapter 53: !Forever Friends!

The Doctor: [dies in a game with ships]

River: This ship is no longer a ship of love, it's a ship of vengeance, a gavel of justice against all that is wrong in the world, showing no mercy, as no mercy was shown to us.

River: The spark of love will now fuel the fires of destructive glory as I wage my war across the world with righteous fury.

Jack: Legend has it that The Doctor still haunts the ship, stealing my fucking snacks.

The Doctor, face stuffed with pretzels: Of course I do.

Chapter 54: Overdramatic

The Master: I've been expecting you, Doctor.

The Doctor: How did you do that without turning around? We aren't that telepathic...

The Master: Let's just say the first few people I did that to were not you.

Chapter 55: My Favorite 🤣🤣🤣

The Doctor: I have one simple philosophy in life–

Twelve: Never be cruel, never be cowardly!

Eleven: Beans are evil. Bad bad beans.

Ten: Never let me eat a pear.

Nine: I like bananas. Bananas are good.

War: No more! Galifrey stands!

The Doctor: –I just can't figure out what it is.

Chapter 56: I Always Forget That Ten Was Actually Quite Rude At Times

Rose: Can you be quiet?! I'm trying to think.

Ten: Don't worry. Doing anything for the first time is difficult.

Rose: [glares]

Ten: ...am I being rude again?

Rose: A bit, yeah.

Ten, shrugging: Sorry.

Rose: No you aren't.

Ten: No I'm not. Can I solve the problem now?

Chapter 57: Cuddly Cuteness

Amelia Pond, amused: Are you the big spoon or the little spoon?

Eleven: I'm a knife.

River, from across the room: He's the little spoon.

Eleven: Oi! Only in this regeneration!

River: Not helping your case, Sweetie.

Eleven: Well, I was lying anyways.

Eleven: Worth a shot.

Chapter 58: There's A Handful Of Things I Actually Do Like From Thirteen's Run, Her 'Fam' Is One Of Them

The Fam: Surprise! We're having a baby!

Thirteen, excited: What?!

The Fam: [pull out adoption papers] It's you!

Thirteen: ...

Thirteen: [tears up]