Incorrect Rogues

Chapter 1: Protegè

Some thug: You know what's funny about Spoiler? How she thinks she's so smart, but apparently doesn't know the expression 'snitches get stitches'!

Riddler, laughing: You know what else is funny about Spoiler?

Thug, smiling: What?

Riddler, pressing the edge of his cane against the thug's throat: -growls- She's my daug- protegè, and anyone that would hurt her is someone I'd kill, most likely.

Mr Freeze, sitting at a table in the background: -Gives thumbs-up.-

Twoface: -Restrains Edward-

Penguin, to thug: Ever so sorry, Jeffrey. Mental patients -- they aren't easy to control.

Penguin, switches to threatening tone: Why, you never know when they might just flip out! -holds umbrella like a gun-

Thug/Jeffrey: -nods and gets out of the Iceberg Lounge as fast as he can-

Chapter 2: Coffee

//pre-villain days, in a coffee shop.

Harleen, looking behind herself in line: Professah Crane? Is dat ya?

Jonathan, nodding hello: Ms Quinzel. Good morning. I wasn't aware you got coffee here.

Harleen: Oh, I don' usually, but one of my friends recommended it.

Barista: What will your order be?

Harleen, rummaging through her oversized purse: I'll have- shit, I forgot my wallet.

Jonathan: Don't worry, Ms Quinzel, I can pay for you.

Harleen: I couldn' ask ya ta do dat, Professah! I can go wit'out coffee for today, really!

Jonathan: It's no trouble. I'd hate for one of my star students to fall behind due to distraction from lack of coffee. I understand the importance caffeine has on mental function.

Harleen: ...Professah, how many cups of coffee have ya had dis mornin'?

Jonathan: This will be my third. Why?

Harleen: No reason. T'anks a lot fer dis, Professah.

Jonathan: Think nothing of it, child. Now, how do you like your coffee?

Harleen, trying to look serious: As dark an' bittah as my soul.

Jonathan, deadpan, to the barista: I need one vanilla latte with extra cream and sugar.

Harleen, hopeful: An' sprinkles?

Jonathan: ...

Jonathan: And sprinkles.

Barista: Alright. And for yourself?

Jonathan: Plain black... -glances at Harleen-

Jonathan, muttering so she can't hear: With pumpkin spice flavoring.

Harleen, hearing anyways: -makes mental note-

---years later, while the Rogues are planning a heist late into the night and early morning---

Harley: I got coffee!

Rogues: -sleepily cheer-

Harley: Mistah Freeze gets an extra-frozen frapaccino, tea for da Hattah an' Riddley-

Riddler: Wait, why don't I get coffee?

Harley: We had a vote. Ya an' Puddin' aren' allowed coffee no more. Speakin' of Puddin', here's yer hot cocoa, Mistah J.

Joker: T'anks, Pumpkin.

Harley: Red, Croc, Clayface, an' Pengy don' drink any of dis stuff, so I didn' get 'em anyt'ing.

Penguin: I drink tea, just not at night. I am a gentleman, you know.

Mad Hatter, drinking multiple cups of tea at once: -glares-

Harley: A latte wit' extra espresso for Twoface, and pretty much jus' milk for da Cat. Oh, an' plain black for ya, Professah!

Scarecrow, hiding a look of distaste: Thank you, Ms Quinn.

Harley, whispering as she passes him: Wit' extra pumpkin spice! -winks-

Scarecrow, hiding a smile: Did you get anything for yourself, child?

Harley, smirking: Somet'ing as dark an' bittah as my soul!

Ivy, horrified: Oh, Gaia. Joker, she's staying at your place tonight -- I am not handling another of Harls' sugar rushes.

Chapter 3: Texting

//Joker and Twoface are temporarily sharing a hideout.

Harvey, texting: Joker, will you please go to sleep?

Joker, texting back: what makes u think u didn't just wake me up?

Harv, yelling at the wall: BECAUSE WE CAN HEAR YOU SINGING ALONG TO THE DARIA THEME SONG EVERY TWENTY FUCKING MINUTES! SHUT THE FUCK UP AND GO THE FUCK TO SLEEP!

Harvey, texting: Just a hunch :) You going to sleep soon?

Joker, texting: I'm trying.

Harv, yelling: TRY HARDER! WE HAVE AN EARLY HEIST TOMORROW, YOU BITCHY PIECE OF--!

Harvey, texting: okay, don't stay up too late or you'll be cranky :)

Chapter 4: Warning

Lock-Up: Any last words? -evil smirk--

Scarecrow, shaking his head and trembling: Please no. Oh, God, no...

Riddler, outta nowhere: I've got some! -hits Lock-Up over the head with his cane, seriously injuring him-

Riddler, turning to Scarecrow: -casually- Do you think I'm cute in this outfit? Be honest.

Scarecrow, not caring that the other's joke is lame: You've never looked cuter in your life! -starts running before Lock-Up recovers-

Riddler, following him: Don't let Jervis hear you say that!

Riddler: ...Did you beg God?

Scarecrow: Shut up.

Riddler: Aren't you an atheist?

Scarecrow: I still have Fear Toxin on me, so seriously, shut up.

Riddler: Hey! I just saved you!

Scarecrow: That's why you got a second warning.

Chapter 5: Torture

Harv: Remember -- if we get captured, no matter what they do, don't talk!

Harvey: What if they torture us?

Harv: Just don't talk!

Harvey: Can we scream a little?

Harv: ...

Harv: That's it, I'm taking control.

Harvey: But-

Harv: Nope, don't even need the Coin. I'm in charge if they capture us.

Riddler: I second that motion.

Harvey: What? Why?

Riddler: Jon, Jervis, and I all share a coping mechanism of talking in poetic riddling nonsense when tortured, so we're useless as sources of information. The girls are all more terrifying than any torturer, Ozzie's staying at the Lounge, Croc doesn't know anything anyways-

Harvey: I don't see what this has to do with anything.

Riddler: Hold on, I'm almost done. Clayface will just assume the identity of one of his past acting roles, making any information he gives completely false. Mr Freeze cares only for his family, physical pain means nothing to him,

Riddler: And I think we can all agree Batman and Harley are the only ones who can get information out of Joker when he doesn't want to give it.

Harvey: I still don't see why this means Harv gets to be in control.

Riddler: Ugh, I forget sometimes that I'm smarter than everyone around me. It's hard being a genius, sometimes.

Harv: Incredible. He's taking my side in an argument, and I still want to punch him.

Riddler: Yeah, that happens a lot with me.

Riddler: Harvey, sweetie, you know I love you. But you're the weak link. Harv will probably make the torturer regret he'd ever been born. You'll just end up letting him take control anyways, but you'll go through a bunch of pain first. I don't want to see you hurt!

Harvey: How did you just turn doubting my abilities into something sweet?

Riddler: Yeah, again, that happens a lot with me.

Chapter 6: Stupid

Harv: Okay, can we all stop saying stupid shit for a moment?!

Harvey: Please?

Penguin: Alright.

Croc: Hey, I-

Harv: SHUT UP!

Croc: I HAVEN'T EVEN FINISHED MY SENTENCE YET!!

Penguin: It was bound to be stupid.

Chapter 7: Mock

//Joker has been captured by Sewer King and is being held in his kingdom. Joker has been, well, being Joker.

Sewer King: Enough! How dare you mock me in such a manner!?

Joker: Well, how would ya like me ta mock ya? I take requests.

Chapter 8: Violent

Cop: You're violent.

Baby Doll: Yeah, but I'm short, so it's adorable.

Cop: You're still going to jail

Baby Doll, sighing: Yeah, I figured.

Chapter 9: Dramatic

Clayface: If you don't shut up, I'm jumping out that window.

Riddler: ...We're on the ground floor.

Riddler: Plus, you're made of nearly-indestructible goo!

Clayface: I know, but I want a dramatic exit.

Chapter 10: Stop

Joker: Dere's nothin' ya can do ta stop me.

Goon who really doesn't want to do Joker's dumb plan: I'll tell Ms Quinn.

Joker: Wait, no, I was jus' kiddin'..!

Chapter 11: Babysitting

Spoiler: Did you hear that!? Kittyhawk just threatened to destroy my Lego Death Star!

Scarecrow, who got conned into babysitting and is regretting taking the kids along on a heist: ...You just threatened to trap her in a labyrinth.

Spoiler, confused: Yeah, and..?

Chapter 12: Carol

Croc, singing: He's making a list, he's checking it twice, gonna find out who's on thin fucking ice!

Mr Freeze: -cocks Freeze Gun-

Penguin, singing: Mr Freeze is calling you out!

Chapter 13

//Before splitting up on a heist

Scarecrow: Don't let Harley do anything stupid.

Joker: Stupid by my standards or yers?

Scarecrow: ...

Scarecrow: Stupid by Ed's standards

Joker: Smart. Harls'll live longer.

Chapter 14: Distraction

Mad Hatter: What do you think the Dormouse will do for a distraction?

Scarecrow: He'll probably, like, make a loud noise or throw a rock or something. That's what I would do.

City goes dark, giant screens light up with Riddler's face, trumpets blare

Scarecrow: ...Or he could do that.

Chapter 15: Winning

Harv, to surprisingly homophobic reporter: Being gay isn't a choice.

Harvey, grabbing Riddler and lifting him into the air: It's a game, and we're winning!

Riddler, as several cameras flash: -blushes- Well, this is certainly an interesting way of making our relationship public.

Chapter 16: English

//Nora's cryotank was accidentally spray-painted blue

Fries: WHO THE FUCK-

Joker: Whoa, language!

Fries, pointing his Freeze Gun at him: I speak fucking English!

Joker, in shock: -stares at Fries, then at the gun, then at Fries-

Joker: -laughs nervously-

Chapter 17: Blade

Scarecrow: While you were caught up in your heterosexuality, -raises scythe - I studied the way of the blade!

Chapter 18: Dime

Joker on Monday: -glues a dime to the sidewalk- hehehe.

Joker on Wednesday: -walking down the street- ooh hey! A dime!

Chapter 19: Description

Scarecrow: -points at Harley- The human version of a hug. -points at Ivy- A narcissistic monster. -points at Croc- Literally the dumbest person I've ever met.

Croc: And who am I? Describe me now.

Chapter 20: Normal

Harvey, watching the Rogues' shenanigans with concern: Do you feel like this has gotten out of hand?

Harv: I don't know... Feels normal enough for a group that's on GCPD's blocked caller list.

Chapter 21: Cool

Query: I have to say, I'm a little embarrassed for you, Boss.

Riddler: This is a sports-related injury. It makes me look cool!

Echo: Tripping over a basketball on your way to the bathroom is not cool!

Chapter 22: Carried

//in the iceberg lounge

Penguin, smugly, after security arrives to escort Joker and Harley out: So, do you want to walk out of here or do you want to be carried out?

Harley, in defeat: Come on, Puddin', let's go.

Joker: Wait.

Harley: Huh?

Joker, challengingly, to Penguin: I'd kinda like ta be carried out...

Chapter 23: Distraction

Poison Ivy: What do you think Harley will do for a distraction?

Catwoman: She'll probably, like, make a loud noise or throw a rock or something. That's what I would do.

Building explodes and several car alarms go off

Catwoman: ...Or she could do that.

Chapter 24: Dangerous

Scarecrow: If you ever feel stupid or weak or powerless, just remember that I am not. I am out there, I am very dangerous, and I am looking for you. Good luck.

Chapter 25: Sunflower

Mad Hatter: Standing next to sunflowers always makes me feel weak. Like 'look at this fucking flower. This flower is taller than I am. This flower is winning and I'm losing'.

Joker: Wow, ya are not ready ta hear 'bout trees.

Ivy, simultaneously: That's because you are weak.

Chapter 26: Favorite

Catwoman, making a dramatic entrance: Hello all, it is I; your favorite person.

Mad Hatter, cheerfully: Actually, March Hare is my favorite!

Catwoman, shrugging: Okay then. It is I -poses- that bitch!

Chapter 27: Straight

Poison Ivy: The only straight we are...

Harley Quinn: ...is straight-up badasses! -cocks comically oversized gun-

Catwoman: ...actually, I'm both.

Chapter 28: Three-In-Two

Harvey: Hello, I'm here to help with the situation.

Harv: And I'm here to make it worse.

Harv: GET BACK THERE YOU DUMB FUCK!

Harvey: LET ME RUN FROM THE CONSEQUENCES OF YOUR ACTIONS!

Harvey: If anyone needs us-

Harv: -then fuck off.

Chapter 29: Harm

//Joker's in the hospital due an explosion. What everyone doesn't know is that he is the one who accidentally caused it.

Harley, crying: Why would anyone wanna harm Mistah J?

Ivy, trying to comfort her: Maybe because they met him?

Chapter 30: Report

Harley: I am not a lunatic, an' I have da psychiatric report ta prove it. A slender majority of da panel decided in my favor.

//AKA, the plot of that one episode of BTAS

Chapter 31: Tomfoolery

//After Penguin tries to surprise Catwoman by stealing something very rare and shiny, but Catwoman tries to steal the same item for him, and everything goes wrong

Riddler: I regret getting dragged into your heterosexual tomfoolery.