37 sparksChapter 1: Milkshakes And Centaurs
Quick explanation: I headcanon that Music Meister is a fifth dimensional imp that chooses to live amongst mortals rather than fanboying over a specific mortal, self-hampering his powers to lower-meta levels when he fights heroes.
His name is Mr Mscmystr.
Jervis: If you put a milkshake in one yard and crack open a cold one in another yard, which yard would the boys go to?
Jonathan, tiredly: Schrödinger's boys...
Joker, mentally going down a rabbit hole: FUCK!
Harley: Wha' 'bout crackin' open a cold milkshake?
Edward: As we all know, the milkshake brings the boys to the yard. The presence of the boys is a prerequisite for the cracking open of a cold one, but cold ones do not have any boy-attracting abilities. Milkshakes, however, do.
Edward: All else being equal, the boys would proceed to the milkshake yard. While it is possible to announce the presence of cold ones in the hope of attracting some boys, the pull of the milkshake is much more powerful by comparison.
Jervis: ...
Joker: ...
Harley: ...
Jonathan: ..zzzz
Mr Mscmystr: -clapping-
Edward: Mind you, all of this nonsense hinges on whether or not the boys are back in town.
Arkham guard: Wha' the hell are they talking about?!
Older Arkham Guard: You learn to ignore it after a while. Honestly, I doubt anything they say could faze me at this point.
Joker: Challenge accepted! Centaurs have six limbs an' are derefore insects! Discuss.
Arkham Guard, Older Arkham Guard, Jervis, and Harley: -start arguing-
Edward, mentally spiraling/having a breakdown: Oh, I don't like this. I don't like this at all.
Joker: -cackles-
Harv, pounding on the cell walls: Shuddup, you fucking--!
Jonathan: -sleeps peacefully for once-
Chapter 2: Split Down The Middle
I love the idea of Jon using his knowledge of psychology to cause chaos in Group Therapy for his own amusement/out of spite.
New Psychiatrist, leading group therapy at Arkham for the first time: How about you all tell me a little about yourselves?
Jonathan, bored and wanting chaos: Sometimes I talk to myself for no reason, though that may be the demonic possession.
Arnold: Oh, I do that too.
Scarface: Ya calling me possessed?!
Arnold, trembling: N-no, Sir...
Harvey: We talk to ourselves too.
Harv: Yeah, it's fucking annoying.
Psychiatrist: ...How many of you have multiple personalities?
Half the group raises their hands
The other half raises both hands
Chapter 3: Penny For Your Screams
Joker: Change is inedible.
Edward, knowing better than to ignore him: You mean inevitable.
Joker: -spits out a bunch of pennies onto the floor- No, I did not.
Edward: ...
Edward: -shouting between the cell bars- I'm sorry for whatever I did to deserve this, please put me in a different cell! I swear I'll behave!
Joker: -starts putting pennies back in his mouth-
Edward, tearing up: PLEASE!
Chapter 4: I Spy Flowers, I Spy Dolls
Joker: I spy wit' my little eye... Somethin' dat begins wit' the letter 'S'.
Edward, looking around the rec room: -spots Ivy and Harley-
Edward: Is it 'sexual tension'?
Chapter 5: Ten Among Threes
Edward, gesturing to Jonathan and Jervis: I think we can all agree I'm the ten amongst these threes.
Edward, gesturing to Twoface: You two are a solid nine-point-nine, though.
Joker: Wha' 'bout me?
Edward: Minus five.
Joker, excited: Aww, I went up a few points!
Doctor Leland, to a new therapist: And this is why we take our lunch break during group therapy.
Chapter 6: Scarecrows Don't Like Preachermen
What's happening here is that Scarecrow has religious trauma, so lashes out. Then, the other Rogues band together to help protect him from his own bad memories.
Priest that Arkham officials brought in to give a speech: Jesus saves-
Jonathan, loudly: Passes to Moses, SCOOOORE!
Priest: Please don't-
Edward: Here comes Buddha for the second pass!
Jervis: Intercepted by Freya!
Priest: This is-
Fries, surprising everyone: Loki comes in with a save, throwing the ball to... -glances at Temple Fugate-
Temple: Kronos. Who... Sports it.
Priest: That's not even-
Bookwyrm: Sports it to Gaia!
Ivy: Who scores the next goal against-
Continues until the priest gives up and goes home
Chapter 7: What Are How Are
Edward, setting up the Rec Room chess table: Hey, how do you ask a glass of water how it's doing?
Fries, in his own version of indulging the other: A glass of water is an inanimate object. Therefore, it is incapable of thought process or understanding basic human language.
Edward: ...
Edward: Water you doing?
Fries: English is not my first language, but I am pretty certain that 'how are' and 'what are' are not synonymous.
Edward: ...You're bad at this game.
Chapter 8: Accidents Happen (So Does Panic)
//Lock-Up got out and caused problems, now Jonathan's trying to figure out who let him go. Cue the two idiots who are accidentally at fault:
Edward: Jon's coming. Act natural.
Jervis: For this kind of situation, Dormouse, the most natural thing would be to panic -- so, technically, I can panic.
Edward: NO, that's not what I meant! Act like it's a normal day!
Jervis: My 'normal' days of late consist of a lot of panic.
Edward: Would you just cooperate?
Jervis: When a person is panicking, they are not apt to cooperate very well!
Jonathan, who's already figured everything out: -watches from distance as his closest friends panic and argue-
Jonathan: -chuckles-
Chapter 9: Confident Men Cry
Oh my stars, I just realized that this could be read as Jonathan trying to be helpful! Crying in public requires not caring that people are watching, which is a type of bravery. Jon might be trying to call Edward brave without actually saying it.
New headcanon: Riddler has a tendency to cry in front of others, and Scarecrow admires him for it (especially since Ed is scared of being seen as weak).
Edward, trying to act tough around new inmates: You guys don't want to mess with me.
Jonathan: Yeah, Ed will straight up cry in public. Don't try him.
Edward: Exactly, I will straight up-
Edward: ...
Edward, tearing up: Jon, why would you say that?!
Chapter 10: Sometimes, It All Gets To Be Too Much
Edward: How do you tell someone their breath stinks?
Joker, who didn't hear the question: Hey, I'm bored -- let's drink mouthwash!
Edward: ...Nope, I'm done.
Edward, to Guard: Seriously, any other cell. I will even bunk with Bolton.
Chapter 11: Hugs Are Comforting (Most Of The Time)
Jon's absolutely lying about how often he's hugged. Between Harley, Edward, and Jervis, he spends most of the day being cuddled when outside Arkham.
I totally headcanon that Jonathan and Edward are both touch-starved (Harley and Jervis are just naturally cuddly), and at this point don't even remember what personal space between them was like.
Arkham therapist: When was the last time you let someone hug you?
Jonathan, taking a second to think: Uh, when I first turned back from being Scarebeast.
Therapist: What?
Jonathan: Yeah, I almost died and it really freaked Jervis and Ed out, so I let them hug me.
Therapist, panicking: You're the Scarebeast?!
Jonathan: ...Shit.
Chapter 12: Let's Try Something New
//Jonathan and Edward are unwilling part of a craft therapy project. They're coloring as they talk about their thoughts...
Jonathan: You know, when I met you, I thought you were an annoying bastard.
Edward: What changed your mind?
Jonathan: Oh, I still think you're an annoying bastard, I've just grown to like that about you.
Therapist: ...that isn't- you know what, at this point, I don't actually care.
Chapter 13: Some Things Just Don't Mix
Doctor Leland: We're trying something new today; I think you're finally ready for group therapy.
Harvey: That sounds great!
Harv, in their head: No it fucking doesn't.
Leland: You'll be doing group with Arnold, Jonathan, and... -takes a second to find her note-
Harvey: We're really excited for this!
Harv, in their head: No we fucking aren't.
Leland: ...Pamela.
Harvey: -strained smile- We can't wait!
Harv, in their head: For it to be over.
Chapter 14: Spooky Goes Boooooo
Leland: How are you feeling? Are you doing okay?
Jonathan: Short answer or long answer?
Leland: Short?
Jonathan: No.
Leland: Long?
Jonathan: Noooooooo.
Chapter 15: Nonsensical Musings Between Those Who Are Mad
//More nonsense from the rec room
Joker, trying to fill out a magazine quiz: Wha' kinda sounds annoy ya?
Jervis: Real or imaginary?
Joker, now interested: Let's say imaginary.
Jervis: Spiders wearing flip flops.
Chapter 16: The Crows In The Cathedral
This works for too many characters...
//Jonathan is talking about his past
Jonathan: I guess it was that day I came home to a cold, empty house, devoid of light and love, that I really knew my sorrows would only grow.
Harley: Professah, dis is da saddest story I have evah heard! An' ya haven' even covered da teen years!
Leland, worried: Oh, I'm sure it gets better...
Jonathan: Ha! No, at eleven, things really took a turn for the worst...
Chapter 17: Books And Straw
I know pretty much nothing about Bookwyrm, including what exactly he actually DOES as a criminal. So, rather than searching it, I've sorta just made up stuff about him?
His name is Xavier Book. :D
Why does it seem like every book is a New York Times Bestseller??? WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?!!
Xavier, shakily: Please, just tell me what the book is about. The plot, please.
Jonathan, reading the annotation on the cover of a book, unfazed: A subversive masterpiece. A deep and touching story. New York Times Bestseller.
Jonathan now looking directly at Xavier: Fuck you.
Arkham librarian: ...
Librarian, through walkie-talkie: Doctor Leland, The Scarecrow is terrorizing Bookwyrm again.
Jonathan: Are you fucking kidding me? He started it by hiding my textbooks!
Librarian, holding Xavier: -glares at Jonathan-
Xavier, through tears: H-he kept dog-earring them! -sobs-
Chapter 18: Okay, So I Got Lazy
Doctor Leland: How are you today?
Literally any Rogue or Bat: Please don't make me think about my life.
Chapter 19: The Author Is Sleep Deprived, Please Send Sandman
Doctor Leland: How late were you up last night?
Jonathan & Joker, in tandem: Me?
Leland: No, not you two. You stay up late all the time.
Leland, to Sandman: You.
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Comments carried over from AO3 (2)
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Lmao this is so cute. Loved this entire collection of quotes❤️
Thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed it, I worked hard on it. 😊
Lol those guards are going to go NSane. :)
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