Harlivy

Chapter 1: Mental Breakdown Gods

Harley: I need ta dye my hair.

Ivy: -doesn't look away from her plants-

Harley: Or get a tattoo.

Ivy: ...

Harley: Or a new piercing

Ivy, sighing: Okay, I give up. Why?

Harley: Ta, ya know, appease da mental breakdown gods.

Ivy: Harls, we've talked about this.

Ivy: I'm the only god you need to worry about, and I say you're too far above other mortals to really need to worry at all.

Harley: ...

Harley: Ya know, Pammy, some people might've focused on da 'mental breakdown' part.

Ivy: Do I really look like 'people' to you?

Ivy: Oh, wait, this is one of those things I'm supposed to care about, isn't it? Uh... Go see Crane?

Harley: Seriously?

Ivy: I don't know, I'm not a psychologist. But he is, so go and don't come back until he makes the mental break go away. -pushes her out the door- Love you.

Harley, chuckling: Love ya too, Red.

Chapter 2: Married

Harley, to the Rogues: We're gettin' married, bitches!

Ivy: And we're about to make it everybody else's problem.

Harley: Who wants ta help us wit' weddin' plannin'?

Ivy, surrounded by giant, mutant Venus flytraps: Volunteer or else.

Chapter 3: Curse Of Love

Ivy: You're such a dumbass (affectionate).

Harley: Aww, yer such a whore (complimentary).

Edward: How are you talking like that in real life?!

Ivy: Witchcraft (derogatory).

Chapter 4: The Dinner Special

Harley: Help! I told Ivy I'd cook dinner tonight, but I can't cook!

Joker, pouring milk directly into the cereal bag: An' ya thought I could help?

Joker: Wait, wha'd'ya mean ya can't cook? Ya've been cookin' fer me fer years!

Harley: Ya'd eat a dirty sponge if it had chocolate sauce on it!

Joker: No I wouldn'!

Harley: Dat's wha' I made fer dinner last week!

Joker: Oh, right... Dat was pretty good, actually. Oh, shit, ya really can't cook.

Harley: Dat's wha' I jus' said!

Ivy: So Harls, how did your first time making dinner go?

Harley: Pretty good, if I do say so myself!

Ivy: Ooo! Okay, what are we having?

Harley: Alrigh', so fer appetizers, we have a potato.

Ivy: -stares at potato- Really? A whole potato?

Harley: Yes. An' den fer da main course, we have grilled cheese sandwiches!

Ivy: These just look like big slabs of black.

Joker, hiding because Ivy's not supposed to know he helped: 'Cause dat's wha' dey are!

Ivy, in her head: Joker's here. That explains this.

Harley: An' den fer desert, we have chocolate.

Ivy: This is just a half-frozen bag of chocolate chips.

Harley: It sure is!

Harley: An' finally, fer drinks, we have toast!

Ivy: ...what.

Harley: -lifts up two glasses of blended toast- Bon appetite.

Ivy: ...

Ivy: Alright, fine. I won't ask you to make dinner again. Happy?

Harley, grinning: Oh, no, I'm not allowed ta make dinner no more... How horrible.

Ivy, chuckling: Bitch.

Harley: Aw, ya know ya love it. -leans closer-

Ivy: Maybe I do. -leans even closer-

Joker: How sweet.

Joker: Now KISS!

Ivy: ...Make him go away.

Harley: -kisses Ivy's nose and giggles-

Chapter 5: The Sun Isn't A Rock

Ivy: -nudges Harley awake at 03:00 AM- Pretty fucked up how often we depict the moon as a girl and the sun as a boy; they're just floating rocks in space. Harley? Wake up, Harley! Listen, they're sexless!

Harley: Da sun isn' a rock, go back ta sleep.

---alt---

Harley, trying to impress Ivy: -nudges Ivy awake at 03:00 AM- Pretty fucked up how often we depict da moon as a girl an' da sun as a boy; dey're jus' floatin' rocks in space. Pammy? Wake up, Pam! Listen, dey're sexless!

Ivy: The sun isn't a rock, go back to sleep.

Chapter 6: Hypocrite

Ivy: Try not to stay up all night, Harley.

Ivy: Last time you got this sleep deprived, you tried to eat your own shirt.

Chapter 7: Goddess Wit' A Crush

Ivy: Crushes are the worst. Whenever I'm around mine, I act like a sexist nature goddess.

Harley: Ya always act like a sexist nature goddess.

Ivy: ...

Harley: Wait...

Chapter 8: Sirens

Ivy: Love is a weakness and an evolutionary mistake.

Selina: You are literally making a Valentine's Day card for Harley.

Ivy, pointing her hot glue gun at Selina: You're on thin fucking ice.

Selina: So... who's the big spoon and who's the little spoon?

Harley: We're chopsticks!

Selina: That's... cute, I guess? Does that mean you two snuggle together perfectly?

Ivy: No, it means that if you take one away, the only thing the other is good for is stabbing.

Chapter 9: Toon Logic

Harley: Hey, Pam, can I get some ice cream?

Ivy: We're trying to be healthier, remember?

Harley: Please??? -puppy eyes-

Ivy: Fine, but only a spoonful.

Harley: -pulls out a comically large spoon-

Ivy, without looking: And no hammerspace!

Harley: ...

Harley, pouting: Ya know me too well.

Chapter 10: Tell Me I'm Wrong

Ivy, after meeting Harley for the first time: You're kind of a pushover, aren't you?

Harley: ...I'm sorry.

Ivy: See!? That's exactly what I'm talking about! Come on -grabs Harley's arm-

Harley: Where are we goin'?

Ivy: To find you some female empowerment through eco-friendly terrorism!

Harley: ...

Harley: Okay!

Chapter 11: My Ha-Ha-Humble Abode

Ivy, lounging on a couch: Hi, Harls.

Harley, to Ivy: Oh, hi, I didn' see ya dere. Welcome ta my hideout, I'm glad ya could join me.

Joker: But dis is my hideout.

Harley: -blinks at Joker-

Harley, turning back to Ivy: Welcome ta my hideout. I'm so happy ta have ya ovah, Pammy!

Chapter 12: Ducklings Deserve Love

Ivy: You spent all our money on THIS??

Harley, putting tiny raincoats on ducklings: Dey live outside. Dey need dis.

Chapter 13: Sweet Tooth

Harley: -walks to cabinet, removes orea box, takes half a sleeve, throws empty box out- Hi!

Ivy: Hi, what are you doing-?

Harley, shoving an Oreo into her mouth: I'm savin' space :D

Chapter 14: Yep, That Tracks

Ivy, to Rogues: Alright, listen up you little shits-

Ivy: Not you, Harley. You're an angel and we're thrilled to have you here.

Chapter 15: Please Don't Forget These Are Literal Mental Patients

Ivy: Why are you burning our marriage certificate!?

Harley: -calmly- Good luck tryin' ta return me wit'out a receipt.

Harley: -maniacal laughter-