The Quad

Chapter 1: IQ

Gourmand, to Dabio: You have room temperature IQ.

Dabio: What's room temperature?

Zach: 73°.

Dabio: Oh, okay.

Dabio: How much is that in IQ?

Donita: And here I was, thinking it couldn't get any more embarrassing to date you...

Chapter 2: Helpful

Zach: I intend to stay pissed at you forever.

Zach: Even if I seem helpful.

Donita: Then you're in luck, Darling.

Donita: Because you don't.

Chapter 3: Date Night

//Zach's heading out to see Chris

Gourmand: Remember, Zach, don't do anything I wouldn't do.

Zach: I think I crossed that line when I got a date~

Chapter 4: Rebuke

//After the Zachbots malfunction and ruin a scheme.

Zach: Zachbots, I rebuke thee! I rebuke thee!

Gourmand: Rebuke? Is that a word?

Zach: You have all invoked my fury! You will all pay recompense for your transgressions!

Gourmand: What, you got like a word-a-day calendar or somethin'?

Chapter 5: First Meeting

Zach: I’m Zach Varmitech. I’m a technology consultant but Evil.

Gourmand: I’m Gourmand. I have a knife.

Chapter 6: Quick Thinking

Zach: Dinosaurs aren't extinct. I mean, Donita is right here.

Donita: Excuse me?!

Zach: She's colorful, loves wearing feathers, and could probably claw any of our throats out with just her feet.

Donita: I... What??

Chapter 7: No One Said Fashion Was Easy

Donita: I need 28 tiny but really bright lightbulbs for 28 tiny hats.

Zach: Okay, why?

Donita: Dabio keeps losing the ducklings, so I need them to glow and be easier to find.

Zach: ...Or you could use GPS collars.

Gourmand: But that wouldn't be as cute.

Donita: Exactly! At least someone here has common sense.

Chapter 8: Codes

Zachbot: [beeps in a pattern]

Zach: [taps fingers furiously on table]

Donita: …What’s going on?

Gourmand: Morse code. They’re 'talking'.

Zachbot: -.-- ..- .-. / - …. . / -.-. ..- - . … -

Zach: [slams hands on table] YOU TAKE THAT BACK!

Dabio: Hehe, they're weird.

Gourmand, who actually understands morse: More than you know...

Chapter 9: Grumpy

Zach: Aren’t you going to say 'have a nice day?'

Gourmand: I don’t care if you have a pulse, much less a nice day.

Chapter 10: Criminal Enterprises

Gourmand: They... well, I wouldn't call it inheritance per se. What do you call it when you knock someone out and get their stuff?

Zach: Poorly planned, impulsive, petty theft.

Dabio: Adventuring!

Donita: Tuesday.

Chapter 11: Frenemies

Zach: I don’t need any more friends. I already have four.

Gourmand: Don’t you mean three?

Zach: [hiding his phone with Aviva's contact information behind his back]

Zach: Right, totally, yeah...

Chapter 12: Problem

Donita: I have a problem.

Dabio: If it's harder than 2+2, Dabio can't help.

Chapter 13: Sports Match Of The... Well, Not Century... Maybe Week? Maybe?

//Latest plan: challenge the Rats to a basketball match... For some reason. I would read that fic, actually...

Donita: Are you even tall enough to play basketball, though?

Zach: Are you calling me short?!

Donita: Of course not, Darling.

Donita: I'm just calling you vertically challenged.

Chapter 14: Trials

Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?

Dabio: No.

Bailiff: ...that's not how this works.

Dabio: But Donita said the truth would be bad for us.

Bailiff: Did she, now?

Donita: [facepalms]

Chapter 15: Crisis

Dabio, watching Donita & Zach panic: What's going on?

Gourmand: Donita is having a midlife crisis and Zach's just having a crisis.

Chapter 16: Over The Years

Gourmand: I just wanted to say that, over the years, I have come to regard you all as…

The rest of the Quad: [waits in expectant silence]

Gourmand: ...people I know.

Zach: Seriously?

Gourmand: Maybe coworkers.

Chapter 17: Lucky You're Cute

Donita: You know what they say; history repeats itself.

Dabio: It does?! [gasps, squees] Can Dabio have a dinosaur?

Donita: Dabio, that's not–

Dabio: [looks excited and hopeful]

Zach, answering his phone: Varmitech Incorporated, how can I–

Donita: I need you to invent time travel. Money's no object, but I'd rather it not be too expensive.

Zach: Nita, what are you–?

Donita: You have until Wednesday. [hangs up]

Zach: ...

Zach, yelling at his phone: HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO [remembers time trampoline]

Zach, sighing: Zachbots! Get ready, we're robbing the Rats again!

Chapter 18: With Friends Like These

Donita: Would you slap Zach–

Gourmand: Yes.

Donita: I didn't even finish!

Dabio: No interrupting Donita!

Gourmand, rolling his eyes: Sorry, continue.

Donita: Would you slap Zach for 10 dollars?

Gourmand: I'll do it for free.

Zach: Zachbots! Defend!

Chapter 19: Fashionista

Donita: I made you all friendship bracelets!

Zach: You know, I’m not really a jewelry person.

Donita: Well, you don’t have to wear–

Zach: No, I’m gonna wear it forever. Back off.

Chapter 20: Everything's A Competition

Donita: Hey Zachary. Dabio just broke my seashell lamp.

Zach: Neat. My Zachbots are trying to make me see a therapist.

Donita: That hardly–

Zach, twitching: They've cut me off from coffee and all other forms of caffeine until I do.

Donita: Yeah, okay; you win. [sips peppermint mocha]

Chapter 21: Poker? I Hardly– NO

//Donita, Gourmand, and Dabio are playing poker. Dabio is winning by a long shot.

Donita: Aw, come on.

Gourmand: It’s not fair! He don’t even know what we’re playing!

Dabio: Go Fish?

Chapter 22: Brat

Zach: I’ve been described as a ‘heartless villain’ and a 'little shit’, but I prefer… 'has alternative ways of having fun’.

Gourmand: Hmm, well you are a little shit, so...

Zach: Hey!

Donita and Dabio: [murmurs of agreement]

Zach: HEY!

Zachbots: [nod in unison]

Zach: SERIOUSLY?!

Chapter 23: Adult Supervision Required

Donita: Dabio, you're filthy! What did you get on your shirt?

Dabio: Machine oil.

Donita: How? From what?

Dabio: Making weapons.

Donita: ...

Donita: ZACHARY!

Chapter 24: Stories

//When the Varmijet needs repairs and Zach goes couch crashing...

Zach: Gourmand, I want a bedtime story!

Gourmand: I’m busy, Zach.

Zach: You aren't busy, you're just cooking! You can tell me a story while you do that.

Gourmand, sighing deeply: I’ll tell you one tomorrow.

Zach: If you don’t tell me a story, I won’t go to bed!

Gourmand: Once upon a time, there was a villain named Zach, who always wanted things his way. One day, his associates got sick of his shit and locked him in the storage room of a kitchen-van for the rest of his life. Everyone else lived happily ever after. The end.

Zach: ...In my defense, this situation could have been avoided if you just let some of my Zachbots stay over with me. Would it really have been that much of an inconvenience? I mean–

Donita, opening her jet door: You better have a damn good reason for knocking this late– what in the..?

Gourmand: [holds up a bound-and-gagged Zach] Your turn.

Chapter 25: He's Kinda Right, Though

Dabio: Mint is just cold spicy.

The Quad: ...

Gourmand: What the actual fuck is wrong with you?

Zach: Actually, I think he might be on to some–

Gourmand: No he ain't.

Chapter 26: They're Kinda Cute Together

Donita: If I run and leap at Dabio, he will most certainly catch me in his arms.

Donita, running towards Dabio: Coming in!

Dabio: Wait, Dabio's holding coffee!

Dabio: [drops coffee and catches Donita]

Donita, smiling: Hi~

Dabio, smiling back: Hi~

Chapter 27: Five-Second Foreshadowing

Dabio: Yum, thanks!

Kidnapper: [puts more tape over his mouth] I said stop eating it.

Chapter 28: Shouldn't Have Shaved

Donita, answering her phone: Hello?

Guy: We have your child, if you want to see him alive you'll do exactly as we say.

Donita, clicking button to trace the call: Darling, ugh no, plural pronouns? So last season.

Guy: What?

Donita: It makes it much too obvious you aren't the leader. Be bold, take initiative!

Guy: How is that– your child has been kidnapped, lady!

Donita: Oooh, 'lady', I like that.

Guy: Not. The. Point!

Donita: Well, dear, I don't really see what the point is.

Guy: Your child. Kidnapped. Being threatened.

Donita, pushing button to send call location and SOS to the Rats: Speak in full sentences, dear. Poor grammar is terribly uncouth...

Dabio: [pouts]

Donita, covering phone and whispering: ...unless you're a hot, muscley henchman.

Dabio: [smiles]

Guy: Lady, do you even care about this kid?

Donita: While I do like children in general, I don't have any particular bond to the one you've captured.

Guy: What?!

Donita: I don't have a child, darling. You have the wrong woman.

Guy: ...you are Donita Donata, right?

Donita: Of course, the one and only.

Guy: Well, the only other name he listed was a 'Gourmand', and we can't find that guy's number so... Are you sure you don't have a kid?

Donita: Hmm... Give me a description.

Guy: Pale, whiny, keeps refusing food because he doesn't think our plates aren't clean enough...

Donita: Oh my God, you have Zach!

Gourmand: How the Hell did you get mistaken for a teenager?

Zach: I have a young face, it's why I have a goatee!

Donita: Wait, you actually took precautions against– has this happened before??

Zach: ...No!

Aviva, having not quite left yet from returning a rescued Zach: Yes.

Chapter 29: Clap

Donita: Don't you ever want to talk about your emotions, Gourmand?

Gourmand: No.

Dabio: I do!

Donita: I know, Dabio.

Dabio: I’m happy.

Donita: I know, Dabio.