25 sparksChapter 1: Let's Start Off Slow
Hostage, about an ancient language-based riddle: Come on, Mr E, no-one's spoke this since the dinosaurs ruled--
A very triggered Riddler, to a very confused hostage: The dinosaurs didn't rule the Earth, they were just alive. Stop giving them credit for administration skills they didn't have!
Chapter 2: After Riddler Has Been Dealing With This Shit For Too Many Hours
And thus Riddler solves his own riddle. Clever Jeff.
Riddler: For the last time-
Riddler* Norwegia. Is. Not. A. COUNTRY!
Hostage: Then where are Norwegian people from?
Riddler: NORWAY!
Chapter 3: Return Of The Cleverly Annoying Hostage!
'Panther' actually refers to five species of cats, otherwise known as 'Big Cats', including lions. So the Pink Panther could be a Lion, a Tiger, a Leopard, a Snow Leopard, or a Jaguar. Or just misnamed.
(Snow Leopards are actually closer to Tigers than Leopards. Mountain lions aren't lions, they aren't even Panthera. Cheetahs aren't Panthera either. Cats are WEIRD.)
Hostage, trying to figure out the answer to a puzzle: Is the Pink Panther a lion?
Riddler: Say that again but slower.
Hostage: I don't get it.
Riddler: He's a PANTHER.
Hostage: Is that a type of lion?
Riddler: No, it's a fucking panther.
Hostage: -googles panthers- But they aren't pink?
Riddler: AND LIONS ARE?!
Chapter 4: Pride Comes In Many Flavors
Riddler, after presenting a puzzle he's particularly proud of: Brilliant, isn't it? I can not wait to hear how you plan to-
Hostage: I don't.
Riddler: What?
Hostage, grinning: Quitting! It's like trying, but easier.
Riddler: THAT ISN'T HOW THIS WORKS!
Chapter 5: A Fool Out Of You
Hostage: Mr E, I don't think I can handle any more of your tomfuckery.
Riddler: Oh yeah? Well I can keep going until you're all tomfuckered out!
Riddler: ...What the hell did I even just say?
Chapter 6: Featherbrain
Riddler: How have you survived this long?! You have less skills than a potato!
Hostage: That's not true. There's one thing I'm really good at.
Riddler, curious: Oh? What?
Hostage: I am an expert at identifying birds.
Riddler: Alright, then, what about those ones flying over there?
Hostage: Yeah, they're all definitely birds.
Riddler: ... -eye twitches-
Chapter 7: He's Doing It On Purpose
Riddler: -gets annoyed enough to solve his own puzzle and show how it's done step-by-step-
Hostage: Amazing! Mr E, you're just like Sherlock Homeless!
Riddler, repeating himself for the dozenth time: IT'S HOLMES!
Hostage: -smirks-
Chapter 8: What? I'm Not Doing Anything~
Riddler, angrily: I know what you're up to.
Hostage, innocently: Really? Because I barely know.
Chapter 9: This Is Edward We're Talking About
Riddler: Okay, what about this one: what's the most illegal thing you can do for one dollar?
Hostage: Exchange it for a hundred pennies, put them all in a sock, and beat someone with it.
Riddler: One: not even close.
Riddler: Two: you're forgetting to take into account the cost of the sock.
Chapter 10: Truth Is Relative
Riddler: How can you possibly think that's the right answer?
Hostage: I learned from a very early age that if I talk long enough, I can make anything right or wrong.
Hostage: so either I'm god, or truth is relative. Either way, booyah.
Riddler: ...
Riddler, to other hostages: Please tell me one of you already called the cops. I just want to go back to my cell and have a mental breakdown in peace.
Chapter 11: Lol, I Don't Know What To Name This
Riddler: You disgust me.
Hostage, eating a KitKat sideways instead of solving the maze: I realize this and I don't care.
Chapter 12: Does Anyone Get The Jeff Community Reference Yet?
Riddler: You can't talk to me that way!
Hostage: A six year old could talk to you that way!
Riddler: YES, BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE ADORABLE!
Hostage: NO, BECAUSE YOU'RE A FIVE YEAR OLD, AND THERE'S A PECKING ORDER!
Chapter 13: Clever Chapter Name
Riddler: Why are you always trying to aggravate me?
Hostage: To relax.
Chapter 14: Actually, He's Still In College
Hostage, in response to a riddle: That's greatly offensive to my people
Riddler: College dropouts?
Chapter 15: T-T-That's All, Folks!
Then the cops come. To their confusion, Riddler hugs and thanks them, jumping into the back of the squad car like an excited puppy.
Riddler: You've yet to solve a single riddle!
Hostage: Yes, BUT! I got 100% on a BuzzFeed quiz about European countries.
Hostage: So who's the REAL winner here?
Riddler: -scream of frustration-
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Comments carried over from AO3 (6)
These were left on the original AO3 posting and are shown as they appeared there.
This is hilarious!
Thank you! I'm glad you liked it. 😊
Ha ha ha. He has met his match! I laughed out loud!
😊 😊 😊
I can already tell that Riddler is going to lose it XD
Poor Riddler.
He's one of my favorite characters, but he needs to be knocked down a peg every once in a while, you know? 😂
I don't know, but don't let Harvey hear it out of context (maybe even in context...)
Okay, but eating a KitKat sideways is a crime I didn't even realize existed. Just- why!?
Now I kinda want to try eating one sideways... It would be SO messy, though.
STAY STRONG. AVOID THE TEMPTATION.
😂 😂😂
One word:
HAHAHAHA 🤣
Glad you enjoyed! I love making people laugh! 😁
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