Bats, Birds, and Spiders

Chapter 1: And So It Begins!

Bruce: Where are your parents?

Peter: What are parents?

Bruce: That’s just about the saddest thing I ever heard.

Alfred, at Peter: Would you like to stay for dinner sir?

Bruce, setting up the spare room: Would you like to stay forever!?!

Dick and Jason: *making loud, shouty gorilla sounds at each other*

Peter:

Alfred: Sirs, we have a guest.

Tim: Please confirm to your knowledge that you are not a fully robotic being, were born an organic creature, and do in fact possess what many cultures would call a soul.

Peter: What? “To my knowledge”? Do a lot of people not in this world know if they’re robots?

Tim: Thank you for your confirmation.

Bruce: We're having a baby.

Peter: Oh, congratu-

Alfred, handing Peter adoption papers: It's you. Please sign here sir.

Damian: You have kidnapped Parker?! That is against the law, Father!

Bruce: But Damian, what’s more illegal? Taking in a lost child, or letting him walk aimlessly around with no one to help him?

Damian: Kidnapping Parker!

Bruce: Damian, listen. However you feel about this, he is counting on us to inspire him!

Damian: What, to kidnap people?

Bruce: To work together!

Damian: To kidnap people?!

Tim: Dami, we’ve all agreed that Peter is not a people.

Chapter 2: Rookie Mistake

Jason: We need to open this locked door. Peter, give me your credit card.

Peter: Here.

Jason, pocketing it: Thanks. Tim, open that door.

Tim, picking the lock: Rookie mistake.

Chapter 3: Bro Code

Jason: Make no mistake. Not only am I party rocking, but I am also in the house tonight.
Dick: But are you shuffling?
Jason: Everyday.
Peter: What language are you two speaking??

Chapter 4: Oh My Redhood!

Tim: Oh my Red Hood.
Peter: Don't you mean 'oh my god'?
Tim: You worship your god, I'll worship mine.

Chapter 5: Interrupted

Tim: Peter is so...
Jason: Annoying?
Dick: adorable?
Cassandra, signing: Funny?
Damian: Weird?
Tim: I don't know, maybe if y'all let me FINISH for ONCE IN MY LIFE, I'd tell you!

Chapter 6: Revival

//two people are sitting at a table, one says they could kill the new Robin for throwing a guy through his window//

Jason, glaring at him: Don't joke about murder. I was murdered once and it offends me.

Peter, handing Jason his coffee: you were what?!?

Jason, taking it and walking off: Eh, it's a long story.

Chapter 7: Creepy Crawly

Tim: What’s it like being tall?
Tim: Is it nice?
Tim: Can you reach comfortably for the cupboards?
Alfred: We live in constant fear of the short ones who, in my experience, will climb 4 chairs, 2 boxes, a small coffee table and 6 oddly placed stools to get what they want.
Bruce: It was one time!
Bruce: and I was 10!
Alfred: Old enough to know better Sir.
Peter, climbing on the ceiling to get to the top cupboard where he saw Alfred hide the Oreos, thinking: If I stay REALLY quiet, maybe they won't see me...

Chapter 8: After Math

Alfred: Sirs why are there little handprints all over the walls?
Tim whispering: Why are there little handprints all over the walls?
Peter, whispering: Because I have little hands.
Tim: Because he has little hands.

Chapter 9: Gravy Boat!

Tim: And here we see Dick and Jason in their natural habitat. Texting each other variations of the word "garlic bread" to try to make each other laugh.
Dick: Gaelic bread.
Jason: Grueling brad.
Dick: Ha ha, glamorous beans.

Chapter 10: Fly Me To The Moon

Peter: I’m the smartest, wisest person in this family.
Jason: Really? Then why is your hand stuck in a vending machine?
Peter: I paid for my Mars Bar, I’m getting my Mars Bar.

Chapter 11: So, I See You've Found My Lair

Peter: *spins around in chair ominously* I’ve been expecting y- *chair continues to spin* shit *tries to stop spinning* shit *tries to grab a table to stop spinning* sHIT *falls out of chair*

Chapter 12: Bookworm!

AT THE LIBRARY:

Peter: *slams down an absolute doorstopper of a tome at the front desk of the library* I checked this out a week ago for a bit of light reading.
Jason, sitting in a nearby chair, having been reading Emily Dickinson: This is light?!

Chapter 13: Why They Installed Porch Lights

*Thump noise*

Tim, from the other room: What happened?!

Jason: Dick's shirt fell.

Tim: Why was it loud?

Jason: It had him inside.

Dick: Ow, my leg!

Jason: Shit. Tim, get Alfred!

Peter: How did you break your leg?

Dick: Do you see those porch stairs?

Peter: Yes.

Dick: I didn't

Chapter 14: I Solemnly Swear I Am Up To No Good!

Dick: I am going to need you to swear-
Jason: Fuck.
Dick:
Dick: ...swear as in promise.

Chapter 15: Prism

Damian: I know what a prism is! It's where you put bad people.

Chapter 16: Did You Know Jason Has A Pet Dog Named Dog?

Peter: I just heard Tim call Dog a “fucking liar” because she barked like someone was at the door and no one was there.

Chapter 17: Kidding!

Tim, drowning: Help!
Jason: Don't worry... I heard cowards float.
Dick: Little Wing!
Jason: Oh, fine!

Chapter 18: And That Was Just In The Last Hour!

Tim: Why do you act like we’re three year olds?
Bruce, exasperated: WHY?!?
Bruce points at Jason: YOU TRIED TO HIJACK THE BATMOBILE!
Bruce points at Dick: YOU NEARLY JUMPED 20 FEET OFF A CARPARK!
Bruce points at Tim: AND YOU ATE MULTIPLE DRIED LEAVES AND ROCKS OFF THE GROUND!
Bruce: AND YOU ASK ME WHY????

Chapter 19: Sharing! Don't do it

Jason: Alright, who’s hogging the Netflix account? I’ve been locked out all week!
Dick: Sucks to suck! I’m already on the 8th season of Glee!
Tim: Not me.
Jason: Don’t lie. I know it’s not Damian or Cassandra.
Tim: It’s not me, really!
Jason: …
Tim: …But it might be Peter…
Jason: You gave Peter access to our Netflix account!?!?
Tim: he wanted to watch Doctor Who!
Jason: I will get you.

Chapter 20: Never!

Damian: I desire moisture.
Tim: Please just say "I want water" like a normal person.

Chapter 21: Misunderstandings

Stephanie: I can’t believe my birth certificate says F...
Stephanie: ...How did I fail being born?

Chapter 22: Puppies!

Jason: Dog is a little bitch.
Peter: Why?
Jason: Number one, she's little. Number two, she's a bitch.
Dick: Dog's pregnant?!?
Jason: Isn't that what I just said?
Tim: Yay! Puppies!

Chapter 23: The Itsy Bitsy Spider Was Not An Insect At All, Because It Has Eight Legs And Two Body Parts!

Tim: Made you all playlists!
Tim: Jason yours has only heavy metal, and is dark like your soul.
Tim: Dick, yours has happy songs and pop to pair with your unholy optimism.
Tim: And Peter has the Itsy Bitsy Spider!

Chapter 24: Shenanigans

Peter: I just watched Dick jump off of a spinning chair. Luckily, he wasn't hurt that badly. But the whole time, Tim was screaming for help, which caused Mr Pennyworth to run in to help Dick. Just note that all of this happened in the span of a minute.

Chapter 25: They Saw

Jason: Why does nobody tell me when people come over? I came downstairs singing All Star while wearing a "say hey if you're gay" shirt and boxers!
Jason: Everyone was there. EVERYONE! Including Duela!
Jason: They saw.

Chapter 26: 🥠

Peter: There are some things beyond our understanding. We must accept them and learn from them. Because these moments of crisis are also potential moments of faith. A time, when we either come together or fall apart. Nature always has a way of balancing itself. The only question is, what part will we play?
Jason: Did you just make that up?
Peter: No. I read it in a fortune cookie once.
Jason:
Peter: A really long fortune cookie.

Chapter 27: Morals!

Damian: Is stabbing someone immoral?
Jason: No.
Tim: Not if they started it!
Dick: Depends on who you're stabbing...
Peter: YES??!!?

Chapter 28: What To Watch?

Dick: All right, y'all! Let's take a vote!
Peter, whispers conspiratorially: A secret vote. Everyone close your eyes.
*Everyone closes their eyes*
Damian: I cannot see the result.
Peter: Well, just say your vote out loud.
Tim: Won't we recognize each other's voices?
Jason: Dick has a point.

Chapter 29: Gotta Catch 'Em All!

Tim: Hey, you want a tarot reading?
Peter: Those are Pokemon cards.
Tim: Yep!
Peter: Sure?
Tim: You got Meowth! It means you're very intelligent!
Tim, to Dick: You got an Eevee! It means you have endless possibilities in your future!
Tim, to Damian: You got Annihilape! It means you are aggressive!
Tim, to Cassandra: You got Inteleon! That means you're sneaky!
Tim: You got a magikarp.
Jason: ...
Tim: It means 'fuck you'.

Chapter 30: Be Afraid, Be Very Afraid

Damian: I will send my army to attack!
Damian: *releases a dumpster of raccoons*

Chapter 31: The France Conspiracy

Peter: They can't make me admit France exists, right? Legally, that's not allowed.
Peter: Sure, if France was REAL I'd say I liked it.
Peter: But who's to say.
Tim: I think France isn't real.
Dick: Timmy, you've been to France.
Tim: And???

Chapter 32: He's Not Wrong Tho

Jason: Sometimes I drink milk straight from the container.
Damian, confused: Batcow??
Jason: What?
Tim, pushing away eating his cereal: Damian, WHY?

Chapter 33: 11th Doctor Is Bestest Doctor (

Peter: Hello, I'm Peter. I work at a shop now. Here to help. Look, they gave me a badge with my name on it in case I forget it. Very helpful, as that does happen.

Chapter 34: Snacks!

Dick: I told Tim to grab snacks for everyone.
Jason, looking through the options: Why did you grab fruit snacks? Are you five? Who even likes Fruit Snacks?
*Cassandra, Damian, Tim, and Peter raise their hands*

Chapter 35: Daylight Coming, And I Wanna Go SHOPPING!

Tim: *finds half a watermelon at Whole Foods*

Tim, holding it up for everyone to see: LIES!

*out grocery shopping*

Peter: *takes a free sample twice*

Peter: Robbery and Fraud. I am a Rebel.

Store Worker over speaker: Would a “Jason Todd” please come to the front desk?

Jason, arriving at the desk: Hello, is there a problem?

Store Worker, pointing to Tim and Peter: I believe they belong to you?

Tim and Peter, simultaneously: We got lost.

Jason: I didn’t even bring you guys here with me—

Chapter 36: Siblings

Dick: Peter, can you help me? All of my clothes keep disappearing for some reason.
Peter, wearing a hoodie that's 5 times bigger than his size: Spooky.

Chapter 37: Condiment King Would Be So Proud

Tim, running: Slow down, Jason, I can’t ketchup!

Jason, not slowing down: You’ll just have to use all the strength you can mustard.

Chapter 38: WAFFLES!

Peter: Can I get a waffle?
Dick and Jason: *fighting and yelling at each other*
Peter: Can I PLEASE get a waffle?

Chapter 39: 42?

Jason: Guess what number I’m thinking of.

Peter: 389?

Jason: No, that’s really immature of you. Someone else guess, and please take this seriously.

Dick: 37?

Jason: Yeah it was 37.

Chapter 40: Pretty Sure He's A Fay

Peter, to Alfred: Wow, left handed AND British? You really are an illusion.

Chapter 41: Stockholm: Not Just The Capital Of Sweden!

Dick: What are you talking about Peter? You love it here!
Peter: I'm not sure I do, I think I've just developed Stockholm syndrome.

Chapter 42: Malewife!

Jason: Working sucks.
Jason: I want to be a malewife where my only responsibilities are being sexy and cute.

Chapter 43: Redhoodmite!

Tim: *standing on a balcony and sneezes*
Jason: *standing on the roof* Bless you.
Tim: God?!

Chapter 44: Neal Caffrey

Peter: What makes you all smile?
Dick: Friends and Family.
Tim: Snacks and Coffee.
Jason: Victory and success.
Damian: Face muscles.

Chapter 45: Get This Boy Some WiFi!

Tim singing: ~Hush, little laptop, don’t you cry.~
Tim: ~I'm gonna find you some more Wi-Fi.~
Tim: ~And if that Wi-Fi doesn’t work…~
Tim: ~I will destroy the fucking Earth.~

Chapter 46: Sleep Over!

Peter: Hey, can we stay in your house tonight?

Dick: Why?

Tim: Cassandra fiddled with an ouija board and cursed ours.

Damian: Todd doesn't know how to banish spirits, so he just threw salt at them and yelled "DOES THIS LOOK LIKE A HOTEL TO YOU?!"

Chapter 47: True Story

Tim: I once went on holiday and pretended to be twins. It was amazing fun. I invented this mad, glamorous sibling and went around really annoying everybody. And d'you know, I could get away with anything when I was my crazy twin Tim.

Peter: But you are Tim?

Tim: Kinda stuck. It’s a long story.

Chapter 48: The Blame Game!

Bruce: Kids… the principal just called—

Jason: It was Tim!

Tim: It was Damian!

Damian: It was Parker!

Peter: It was me!

Bruce: ...

Jason, Tim, and Damian: ...

Peter: ...

Dick, coming into the room: it was Jason.

Jason: BETRAYAL!

Chapter 49: No Robins Were Hurt In The Making Of This Chapter!

Peter: Jason has no survival skills, his need to win has replaced them.

Dick: That can't be true!

Peter: Watch this.

Peter: Hey Jason, race you to the bottom of the stairs!

Jason: *Throws himself out a window*

Chapter 50: Germs

Tim: Jason and I are so close, we even share a toothbrush!

Jason: We what?

Chapter 51: Day Three Of Learning German On Duolingo

Peter in a horrible German accent: Bill Nye is on break, I'm Bill Nein.
Tim: Can I go to the bathroom?
Peter, in the same horrible German accent: Nein!

Chapter 52: Mattress Sledding Is Better, But Ok

Jason: Let's all agree that going up the stairs on all fours is actually the best experience on earth.

Tim: Conversely, going down the stairs on all fours is actually the most terrifying experience on earth.

Chapter 53: Itti Fufi Bitch

Peter: Do you have a self-care routine?

Tim: "Keep going bitch" said to myself in different languages.

Chapter 54: 83 + 17 = 100

Damian: What is two plus two?

Jason: Math.

Damian: ...I will accept that answer.

Peter: it's four!

Chapter 55: Ohhhh Yessss

Jason: I think it's time to start fucking some shit up.

Dick: Oh no.

Jason: More like "oh yes!"

Chapter 56: Aunt May #1 In His Universe

Tim: Peter said I was his second favorite person in this universe, and I was bummed, but then he said Damian is third. He has no favorite person. He's holding the position open.

Chapter 57: More Like Caremore!

Bruce: Just be careful, Jason!

Jason: *heading out the door* I'm always careful, Bruce!

Jason: It's everything around me that's careless.

Chapter 58: Dad Jokes

Tim: DID YOU REALLY THINK THAT JOKE WAS FUNNY? IT WASN'T. NOBODY IS LAUGHING.

Tim: *pulls up a graph* THIS IS WHEN YOU TOLD YOUR JOKE, YOU HAVE SINGLE HANDEDLY RUINED COMEDY! I'VE ALSO ASKED MANY COMEDY SCHOLARS ON THEIR OPINION OF YOUR JOKE AND THIS IS WHAT THEY HAD TO SAY!

Peter: I've been researching comedy for the past 20 years, and I have genuinely never seen a joke this bad. We have used quantum physics to look into alternate universes to see every joke made, and yours was still by far the worst.

Tim: CONGRATULATIONS! YOU'VE SINGLE HANDEDLY CREATED THE WORST JOKE IN HUMAN HISTORY! HERE'S A MEDAL! *pulls up a horrible paint drawn star that says "you need help*

Bruce, who had made the joke:...

Bruce: you haven't even been ALIVE 20 years.

Chapter 59: Meant To Be Broken

Dick: Name something you believed in when you were younger that you no longer do now.

Peter: The Laws Of Physics.

Jason: Eh, laws were made to be broken.

Damian: They were made to be followed. Nothing is made to be broken.

Tim: Uh, piñatas.

Peter: Glow sticks.

Cassandra, signing: Karate boards.

Dick: Spaghetti, when you have a small pot.

Jason: Laws.

Damian:

Chapter 60: Ride Or Die

Dick: Be kind. Everyone is fighting their own battles.

Damian: Why would I be kind? I will be brutal and relentless and ride into battle by their side!

Chapter 61: 🦇🦇🦇

Jason: You know what bothers me? Bats. Why can bats fly?

Dick: Not again!

Jason: No. Seriously, who gave them the right? They're mammals! Mammals walk on land, no exceptions.

Peter: Just wait until you hear about whales.

Jason: What

now?

Chapter 62: 21/7

Tim: I just wanna be called cute 21/7.

Peter: Why not 24/7?

Tim: Snack breaks.

Chapter 63: Back?

Jason: Look at the buns on that guy!

Dick: *lying on the floor, covered in burger buns*

Tim: This is the comedy police! The joke's too funny!

Jason: I'm not going back to jail!

Dick, turning his head towards Jason:

Dick: ...What do you mean 'Back'?

Chapter 64: Trolls

*At a WE dinner party, the guests converse while Bruce is away*

Guest 1: So how do you know the host?

Tim: he was a former vegan, and he bought milk.

Guest 2: *GASP*

Dick: I pulled him over for money laundering.

Damian: I'm chaperoning his dinner party.

Peter: He stole a baconator!

Guest 3: That BITCH!

Jason: I tanked the store he was managing and he convinced me to quit from one of the only jobs I've ever had. Now I'm living off of unemployment checks and fear!

Bruce, comes back.

Guest, throws glass of grape juice in Bruce's face.

Bruce: *Laughs*

Chapter 65: Did You Know Hel's Actually Loki's Daughter?

*While planning to break in somewhere*

Jason: Hey, let's do "Get Help!"

Tim: What?

Jason: "Get Help."

Tim: No.

Jason: C'mon, you love it!

Tim: I hate it.

Jason: It's great! It works every time!

Tim: It's humiliating.

Jason: Do you have a better plan?

Tim: No.

Jason: We're doing it!

Tim: We are not doing "Get Help!"

*A Minute Later*

Jason, carrying Tim: Get help! Please! My brother, he's dying! Help him! *throws Tim at guards, knocking them out*

Jason: Ahh, classic!

Tim: *gets up* I still hate it. It's humiliating.

Jason, laughing: Not for me, it's not.

Chapter 66: Spidey-Strength!

Tim: Did you bring Jason?

Damian, gesturing to Dick: I did not, but I have brought the next best thing.

Tim: Dick? The next best thing would be Peter.

Dick: I would be offended, but Peter is freakishly strong.

Chapter 67: Eternally Burning!

Dick: Okay, what does A stand for?

Damian: Arson.

Dick: Aw, you're so good. Okay! B! What does B stand for?

Damian: Barson.

Jason: *laughter*

Dick: What stands for C?

Damian: Commit arson.

Tim: Oooo. 

Dick: D!

Damian: Do not come near me, I am going to commit arson.

Jason: *Falls on the floor, laughing*

Tim: Do NOT let Peter know you're teaching him this.

Chapter 68: Such A Good Brother!

Peter: Do you cook?

Dick: I made a cake once.

Jason: Yeah, it was good.

Dick: Really?

Jason: Don't make me lie twice, Dick.

Chapter 69: Oooo-r-e-oooo

Peter: *walks to cabinet, removes oreo box, takes half a sleeve, throws empty box out* Hi!

Alfred: Hello Sir. May I ask what you are doing?

Peter, shoving an oreo into his mouth: I am saving space

:D

Chapter 70: Pizza Dude!

Jason: The greatest trick the devil ever played was getting me banned from an all you can eat pizza buffet.

Peter: Why’d you get banned?

Jason: Touched the rat.

Peter: … What rat?

Jason: Chunky Cheese.

Chapter 71: Toxic

Jason: My toxic trait is that I truly believe I could win a fight against anybody if I was mad enough. You might have the strength and size, but I have the pure, unfiltered rage.

Chapter 72: Dance, Dance, Revolution!

*While they are in a battle*

Peter, trying to warn about the location of an enemy: To the left!

Dick: Take it back now y'all!

All the bat kids, instinctively, move to the left.

Chapter 73: Never Judge A Writer By Their Search History

Jason: *looks over Peter’s shoulder at his laptop* What the fuck?

Peter: *slams screen shut* It’s just research! For something I’m writing about! I swear that’s it!

Jason: Why the hell would that involve the breeding habits of frogs?

Peter: It’s not just “frogs”, it’s the Surinam Toad. And it’s not “breeding habits”, it’s how they raise their young. This is important information people need to know!

Jason: That doesn’t change the fact this is for one line in a buzzfeed article.

Peter, offendedly: You don’t know that!

Jason: I hear no denial.

Chapter 74: Grbl!

Jason: Fellas, I gotta know for science. Is the opposite of red green or blue?

Peter: Technically a mix of green and blue?

Jason: So blurple.

Tim: That's implying you're mixing blue and purple.

Jason: Would you rather have fucking bleen? MOTHERFUCKING GRUE?

Peter: You were confusing before, but now I'm scared.

Chapter 75: 🐦🐦‍⬛🐤🦇🦉

Peter, referring to the Robins: Physically, yes, I could fight a bird, but emotionally? Imagine the toll!

Chapter 76: Closeted Bookworm!

Jason, talking about Emily Dickinson: Yeah, I find it quite emotional. In, like, a cool way.

Tim: Did you just say it makes you cry in a cool way?

Chapter 77: 363842178006526183676948273899

Tim: I can do anything I put my mind to. I once figured out Jason's phone number just by choosing random numbers.

Chapter 78: Regrets

Peter: Just so everyone knows, don't ever try to climb a tree at night carrying a strobe light, owls DON'T like it.

Dick: ...what happened?

Peter: I made a VERY bad mistake.

Chapter 79: Experiment!

Dick: What would Bruce think?

Jason: Ok, that’s an interesting thought, but hear me out: what if… we ran an experiment where we spent the rest of our lives finding out what happened if we never told him?

Chapter 80: DRAMATIC!

Dick: *fast-forwards all the way through the movie*

Jason: You can't just skip to the happy ending!

Dick: I don't have time for their drama.

Jason, whining: But the drama's the best part!

Chapter 81: Freudian Slip

Jason: Good news!

Tim: You found where I hid your phone?

Jason: ...

Tim: ...You found your phone?

Chapter 82: Works Every Time

Tim: When I was a kid, Jason told me that the paper strip that’s in the chocolate kisses were edible and I ate them with the chocolate for a year.

Jason: They are!

Tim: FOR REAL?

Jason: No! Why did you fall for it again?

Chapter 83: Shotgun! 🔫

Dick: Hey Little Wing, I’ve got an idea for how to solve this.

Jason, pulling out a shotgun: Yeah?

Dick: Wh- No! That’s not the idea, Jason!

Chapter 84: Prank Call - Besties!

Tim, on the phone: I better go…kay, call me later… byeeee!

Peter: Friend of Yours?

Tim: Nope, wrong number.

Peter: ???

Chapter 85: One Big Arachnid!

Jason: Don't go to the kitchen.

Dick: Why?

Jason: I saw a spider.

Dick: Why didn't you just catch it under a cup?

Jason: it was a bit too big... I did trap it in a drawer tho!

Dick: 

Jason:

Dick: Jason... where's Peter?

Alfred, from the kitchen: Master Jason! Why did you lock Master Peter in the rice cabinet?

Chapter 86: Thingamajig

Tim: Jason! Peter got that thing on the control panel working!

Jason: That looks pretty impressive.

Tim: Yeah!

Jason: Any idea what it does?

Tim: Not a clue.

Chapter 87: Puns Are The Devils Work, So I Have Noooone!

Peter: Synonyms are weird because if you invite someone to your cottage in the forest, that just sounds nice and cozy. But if I invite you to my cabin in the woods you’re going to die.

Jason: My favorite is explaining the difference between a butt dial and a booty call.

Damian: It’s called connotations.

Jason: Try this one on for size, “Forgive me, Father, I have sinned” vs “Sorry, Daddy, I’ve been naughty."

Tim: Great news! Language is now banned!

Chapter 88: Donut Shop!

Jason: Would it be discrimination to only hire employees at my doughnut shop who have the same name?

Dick: Legally, I don't believe that breaches any discrimination laws. Morally though... I don't know.

Jason: I believe god is on my side when it comes to Dick's Doughnuts.

Dick:

Dick: First of all, you are NOT naming it that. Second of all, I AM NOT WORKING AT YOUR DONUT SHOP!

Jason: What happened to brotherly loyalty?

Dick: Jason, I love you. You are my best friend, and I would do almost anything for you.

Dick: quitting my job as a police officer, and moving to another city, to work at Dick's Donuts, is not one of them.

Jason:

Jason: You could work the weekends-

Dick: No.

Chapter 89: Pretty Petty

Peter: How petty can you get?

Tim: I once edited a Wikipedia article to win an argument I was wrong about.

Jason, from another room: I KNEW IT!

Chapter 90: Cannonball!

Tim: Can I go to the pool?

Jason: Sure, we’ll go as soon as I’m free.

Tim: No, can I go by myself?

Jason: You don’t want to go with me?

Tim: You just go around challenging random people to cannonball contests.

Jason: It’s the only way to establish dominance.

Chapter 91: It's Actually Quite Nice

Peter: Hey, I was wondering, have any of you guys ever seen Jason's house?

Dick: No, he refuses to let any of us visit. 

Peter: You know what that means.

Damian, nodding: Dungeon.

Cassandra, nodding and signing: Rich.

Tim, nodding: Homeless.

Dick, nodding: Secretly in the mafia.

Peter: What? No, I meant he's messy. What the hell is wrong with all of you?

Chapter 92: Looming Adulthood

Peter: I'm going to be an adult in 4 years and I only have a vague idea of what I'm going to do.

Jason: I’m gonna be an adult in less than a year and I don’t know what I’m doing with my life.

Duela: I'm with you there...

Dick: I'm an adult and I don't know what I'm doing with my life.

Tim: Three types of people.

Chapter 93: Distraction!

Bruce: Where’s Jason?

Tim: Doing stuff.

Bruce: I don’t like the sound of that. Where’s Dick?

Tim: Trying to stop Jason from doing the stuff.

Bruce: And Peter?

Tim: Trying to stop Dick from stopping Jason from doing the stuff.

Bruce: I see. And what are you doing here, Tim?

Tim: I’m supposed to stop you from stopping Peter from stopping Dick from stopping Jason from doing the

stuff.

Chapter 94: Fall Guy

Jason: Who wants to make fifty bucks?

Tim: How?

Jason: I need someone to take the fall.

Tim: What did you do?

Jason: I can't tell you. Yes or no, no questions asked.

Bruce, from the other room: Oh my god.

Jason: ...

Bruce: OH MY GOD!

Tim: Make it a hundred.

Jason: Deal.

Chapter 95: KATANAS!!!! ⚔️

Damian: I have yet to encounter a problem where a sword did not factor into the solution at least in some way.

Chapter 96: Team

Bruce: We’re all in this together. If one of us falls, we all fall. Nobody is expendable on this team.

Jason: Sounds fake but ok.

Chapter 97: That Works Too

Peter: It's locked. You got a lock pick?

Tim: Yeah-

Jason: *kicks in the door*

Chapter 98: Rushmore

Peter: The scariest president had to be Rushmore because he had four heads.

Tim: Yeah, it’s a good thing we captured him in that mountain, even if we have to live in fear of the spell wearing off.

Jason: Do you two still believe in that legend? Come on, Rushmore was killed a hundred years ago! We’re safe now.

Damian: Tsk, you people have clearly never taken a history lesson. His body was never found.

Chapter 99: Clifford The Big Red Dog!

*Dick is reading Damian a Clifford The Big Red Dog book*

Damian: How did he get to be so big? Do they ever explain that?

Dick: Well, Emily’s love for him grew, and so did he.

Damian: Well, your dog is pretty small. Does that say something about you?

Dick, angrily shutting his book: YOU’RE SMALL! WHAT DOES THAT SAY ABOUT YOUR PARENTS?!?!

Chapter 100: Texting!

//Dick Grayson created group chat.

//Dick Grayson added five members to group chat.

//Dick Grayson changed six nicknames.

AngryBird: ho the fuck aded me to a fucking groupp chat?

Cassie: >:O language

MiniBat: Yes, Todd, watch your fucking language.

#1Robin: Ok, who taught Damian the fuck word?!

AngryBird: 'The fuck word'.

CreepyCrawly: Seriously? You guys use the f word all the time

BabyBird: Oh my god he censored it!

AngryBird: ay fuck, Pytir.

BabyBird: Do it, *Peter*. Say fuck.

CreepyCrawly: :)

MiniBat: >:(

CreepyCrawly: Turn that frown upside down!

MiniBat: ):<

CreepyCrawly: Not sure what I was expecting...

BabyBird: Come downstairs and talk to me please. I'm lonely.

CreepyCrawly: Isn't Jason there?

BabyBird: Yes but I like you more.

AngryBird: Waht the helll Timmy?!

AngryBird: Roses are red, Tony Hawk is a skater…

(Tim′s phone, auto-replying) BabyBird: I’m driving right now–I’ll get back to you later.

#1Robin: Lol

CreepyCrawly: 😂 

MiniBat: Very humorous, Todd.

Cassie: 🤭🤭🤭

*Later*

BabyBird: Fuck you all.

#1Robin: Everyone, calm down! We're grown-ups, let's deal with this like adults!

AngryBird: So, we're just going to wing it and hope for the best?

#1Robin: Obviously. Now, Tim, bring a shovel.

*Later*

CreepyCrawly: WTF what fif you do?!? 

CreepyCrawly: someone pls respond!

MiniBat: They broke a vase, and are now hiding from Pennyworth at Penguin's.

BabyBird: Tattletale!

Chapter 101: Bored, Bored, Bored

Tim: I'm bored, any suggestions?

Peter: Sleeping is nice.

Tim: I acknowledge your suggestion, and I’m deciding to ignore it.

Chapter 102: Nice, Refreshing, Mini-Coma!

Tim: I wanna sleep for 40 hours.

Peter: You know that's called a coma, right?

Tim:

Tim: That sounds so refreshing, I could totally go for a light coma right now.

Chapter 103: Seeeeeeep

Tim: I wasn’t that tired.

Stephanie: You colored my face with a highlighter because you said I was important.

Tim: BECAUSE YOU ARE!

Chapter 104: Writer Problems

Bruce: How late were you up last night?

Tim & Jason, in tandem: Me?

Bruce: No, not you two. You stay up late all the time.

Bruce, to Peter: You.

Peter:

Peter: I was writing an article!

Chapter 105: Nap Roulette

Jason: I like to play this game called nap roulette. I take a nap and don’t set an alarm. Will it be 20 min or 4 hours? Nobody knows. It’s risky and I like it.

Chapter 106: Petty

Jason, slamming pots and pans together to the rhythm of "We will, we will, rock you!" over the Arkham Speakers: I didn't get no sleep cause a' y'all! Y'all never gonna sleep cause a' me!

Chapter 107: Decaf

Dick: Tim is restricted to decaf for the rest of this adventure.

Chapter 108: Life Juice

Tim, making coffee: This is going to fix everything.

Chapter 109: People Actually Do Sleep Better When It's Cold

Peter: How do you sleep at night knowing people don’t like you?

Jason: With the fan on.

Chapter 110: Reminds Me Of Ash Ketchum

Tim: Why are you late?

Peter: A technical error occurred, causing an unexpectedly long bout of unconsciousness.

Tim: Overslept?

Peter: Overslept.

Chapter 111: Let's Find Out!

Peter: What time is it?

Tim: I don’t know, pass me that saxaphone and we’ll find out

Tim: *BLASTS the saxaphone*

Jason: WHO THE FUCK IS PLAYING THE SAXAPHONE AT TWO IN THE FUCKING MORNING

Tim: It’s 2 am.

Chapter 112: Whoops...?

*at 3am*

Jason, who is visiting Bludhaven: *runs into Dick’s room and turns on the light* Wake up sleepyhead!

Dick: *wakes up* Dude!

Jason: *cackles*

Barbara: *sits up from where she was sleeping behind Dick* What the fuck, Jason?

Jason: *jaw drops* Wait WHAT-

Chapter 113: Optimism Captain!

Dick: It’s beautiful outside this morning!

Peter: It’s 2AM.

Dick: It’s Beautiful outside!

Peter: We’re indoors.

Dick: It’s beautiful!

Peter: It’s storming.

Dick: It’s!

Chapter 114: Insomnia

Jason: Legend says that when you can’t sleep, it means you’re awake in someone else’s dreams.

Jason: When I find out who you are, I’m going to punch you in the face.

Chapter 115: Incompetent Genius

Jason: Peter noticed only today that he can label his email inboxes, but he took apart his entire fucking laptop two weeks ago.

Tim: This reminds me of the Peter who couldn’t turn on the coffee maker, but remembers about 500 digits of pi.

Jason: I’ll be delighted to inform you that this is the very same Peter.

Chapter 116

Tim, who is visiting Bludhaven: Have I ever told you that I love you with my whole heart?

Dick: For the love of all that is holy, I am not taking you to McDonalds. It’s 2am!

Tim: Mean.

Chapter 117: Gods Are Night Owls

Peter: When do you usually go to sleep?

Jason: Whenever I collapse is entirely up to the gods

Chapter 118: 🔫 Go To Sleep

Peter: *cocks gun* Go to Bed. This is no longer a request, This is now a Threat.

Tim: where did you get a gun??

Jason, simultaneously: They grow up so fast.

Chapter 119: I've Been Sleeping In My Mind

Peter: Just wondering, did you get any sleep?

Dick: Did I get any... leap?

Peter: What...?

Chapter 120: Good morning 🌅

Jason: Good morning. As you begin your day, remember that violence is always an option and often the answer.

Dick:

Jason:

Dick: ...Please, go back to bed.

Chapter 121: Not an insect!

Dick: Good night.

Tim: Sleep tight.

Jason: Don't let the bedbugs crawl up to your ear and whisper threatening things that make you question yourself.

Dick: Great, now Damian's crying.

Peter: Arachnid! Not bug!

Chapter 122: The Spidey Way!

Dick: There are three ways to handle a difficult situation. The right way, the wrong way, and the Barry Allen way.

Jason: Isn't that the wrong way?

Dick: Yes, but it's faster.

Peter, swinging on a web very high up, carrying hot coffee and pastry bags: Hey! I got breakfast!

Jason: ...And there's the Peter way.

Tim, taking the coffee: My favorite way!

Chapter 123: Don't We All?

Tim, after the he's gone multiple days without sleep, working on a WE project, and the coffee ran out: I'm so tired of this life. I want to be a roomba. I want knives taped to me. And I want to be set loose.

Chapter 124: Airplane Mode

Dick: Hey, how did my phone break?

Peter: You were half asleep last night.

Dick: And?

Damian: You threw it.

Dick: Why?

Tim: You turned on airplane mode and kept screaming “FLY DAMN YOU!”

Dick: And why didn’t you stop me?!

Jason: We were busy laughing our asses off.

Chapter 125: Bad Roommate

DAY 1 OF DICK VISITING JASON:

Dick: I made lightly fried french fries for dinner.

Jason: Dick, It’s 1:15 am, what the fuck.

Dick: Do you want the lightly fried french fries or not.

Jason: Well, I mean yeah.

Dick: So come downstairs while they’re still hot.

Jason: Wait, you just made them?

Dick: Yeah, I wasn’t tired so I decided to make lightly fried french fries.

Jason: Say lightly fried french fries one more time Dick.

DAY 2 OF DICK VISITING JASON:

Jason: What the fuck is wrong with you??

Dick: What? No good morning?

Jason: Good morning.

Dick: Good morning.

Jason: What is wrong with you??

Dick: What?

Jason: 'What'? You VERY LOUDLY snuck in at 1 in the morning, used the blender for 30 minutes, then played by YMCA For TWO HOURS!

Dick: Ohh, that.

Dick: Whoops?

Jason:

Jason: You are no longer allowed in my house.

Dick: That's fair.

Chapter 126: IDK What To Call This... Fun Fact, Trees Aren't Real

Peter: Goodnight to Damian and Cassandra, and fuck the rest of y'all.

Chapter 127: In-between

Tim: If I stay in bed I'll be warm. If I make Coffee, I'll also be warm. But the distance between the bed and the coffee maker? No. That is not warm.

Chapter 128: Citrus flames

Tim: Hi could I ask... how exactly does one accidentally set a lemon on fire?

Peter: Microwave for 40 minutes.

Dick: WHY WERE YOU MICROWAVING A LEMON?!

Peter: I read boiling lemons helps cover up bad smells and I wanted to cover up the scent of burnt oranges, but I didn’t own any pots…

Damian: have you also burned an orange? HOW?!

Peter: Microwave for 40 minutes.

Chapter 129: Not Quite 'Anything'

Dick: Dami, you can do anything!
Damian: Anything?
Dick: Anything!
Damian, holding a torch: ANYTHING?!?!
Dick: Wait, not that!

Chapter 130: Explosion Proof

Tim: ...I'm pretty sure that place is fire-proof, or something.

Jason, grenade in hand: Alright, but is it explosion-proof?

Chapter 131: Dinner!

Stephanie: So, what's for dinner?

Tim, staring at the food he burnt: Regret.

Chapter 132: Noooothing..?

Duela: Jason, I think we have a problem.

Jason: What, the fire?

Duela: No, the- wait, what fire?

Jason, head resting on fist, smiling: Oh forget about it, this sounds more interesting.

Chapter 133: Curiosity Killed The Cat, And Satisfaction Brought It Back

Dick: Stop setting things on fire because you're curious about what will happen. What will happen is fire.

Peter: But what if something else happens just this one time.

Chapter 134: Friendly Flirting

Peter: Why aren't there friend pick up lines? Pick up lines to make friends like-

Tim, to Stephanie: Hey, that's a cute outfit. You know where it would look better? On nobody else, because you're a beautiful individual.

Jason, to Duela: Be my friend or I will set your house on fire.

Peter: There are two types of people.

Chapter 135: Weblings Would Be A Cool Name For Baby Spiders

Stephanie: Thanks for pulling the fire alarm, you saved us from giving oral reports about The Scarlet Web.

Jason: You were too lazy to read the book?!

Stephanie: I was too lazy to watch the movie.

Peter: If I read something with 'Web' in the name, people might talk.

Tim, annoyed: I read it. I wrote twenty pages on it. THREE DAYS OF RESEARCH WASTED! 

Chapter 136: Full Responsibility!

Jason: I am the most responsible person in the group.

Peter: …You just set the kitchen on fire.

Jason: Yes, and I take full responsibility for that.

Chapter 137: Pay No Attention To The Flaming Toaster

Duela: Is something burning?

Jason, leaning seductively on the counter: Just my desire for you.

Duela: Jason, the toaster is literally on fire.

Chapter 138: Business Trip

Bruce: Alfred and I are going out of town for a few weeks on a business trip. Do NOT burn the house down while we're gone. Dick, you're in charge! 

Tim, the second they leave: Dick, can we start a fire?

Chapter 139: An Adultier Adult!

Tim & Jason: *accidentally set the kitchen on fire*

Jason: We need an adult!

Tim: Jason, you are an adult!

Jason: We need an adultier adult! Get Dick!

Chapter 140: Well, Technically

Bruce: What is the one thing I told you not to do?

Tim: Burn the house down.

Bruce: And what did you do?

Jason: we made dinner.

Bruce:

Tim:

Jason:

Tim: And burnt the KITCHEN down.

Chapter 141: Devotion

Barbara: I'm cold.

Dick: Here, take my hoodie.

*meanwhile*

Duela: I'm cold.

Jason: You won't be once I set that building on fire! 

Chapter 142: Homophobic Navigation

Dick: How the hell did you crash the car?!

Jason: So I was just driving today, right? And my navigation told me to go straight.

Jason: I was like "woah, that's homophobic". Instead, I went gay. And, THAT'S when I got into an accident.

Dick: ...

Duela, with a proud smile: And THAT'S who I'm in love with, ladies and gentlemen.

Chapter 143: I'm The Captain Now

Peter, learning how to drive: What happens if I press the gas and the brake at the same time?

Tim: The car takes a screenshot.

Bruce: Please pull over. I’m driving now.

Chapter 144: 🛑🛑

Peter, during a rare team-up: Mr. Dent? You just drove through a stop sign without stopping.

Two-Face: We'll stop twice on the way back.

Chapter 145: Sarcasm!

*Dick and Jason are in a car teetering on the edge of a cliff*

Jason: oh my god, Dick, backwards!

Dick: Really, Jason? I thought I might go forwards into the river, I thought that would be a fun thing to do.

Chapter 146: Child

Dick: *Locks Jason in the car.* Act like a child, get treated like a child.

Jason: What? Isn't it illegal to leave a child locked in a car?

Chapter 147: What's The Worst That Could Happen?

Peter: You know what? Let’s give it a go. What’s the worst that could happen?

Tim: Humiliation, embarrassment, fire, explosions, collisions, tears, nudity, and death.

Chapter 148: Criminal, Criminal!

Peter: This should be illegal!

Tim: It is.

Chapter 149: On Second Thought

Peter: I think this might be a bad idea...

Tim: Don't start thinking on me now!

Chapter 150: There She Blows!

Peter: *slowly pushes a 17th century cannon into a bank* Okay everyone, be cool. This is a robbery.

Chapter 151: Captured

Harvey Bullock: You have the right to remain silent.

Tim: I choose to waive that right!

Tim: *screaming*

//Meanwhile...

Peter: *bites lip* Has anyone ever told you how beautiful you are?

Renee Montoya: That isn’t gonna work, hands behind your back.

Chapter 152: Fun..?

Commissioner Gordon: State your name, rank, and intention.

Peter, hanging upside-down: Spidey, Spiderman, fun.

Chapter 153: Prank Call

Tim: Sorry it took so long to bail you out of jail.

Peter: No, it was my fault. I shouldn't have used my phone call to prank call the police station.

Chapter 154: Flat-Faced Bat

Bruce: Peter...

Peter: Oh no, 'Peter' in B flat.

Peter: You're disappointed.

Chapter 155: Your Honor

Jason: Your Honor, I hereby submit the following to the court:

Jason: Tim, Peter, what the actual FUCK?

Chapter 156: Here We Go Again!

Tim: I have a plan.

Peter: Good! As long as we aren’t breaking the law again, I’m open to hearing it.

Tim: …

Peter: …

Tim: I no longer have a plan.

Chapter 157: This Is Halloween

Tim: *gets a text* Oh! It’s Peter.

Jason, excitedly: Did he get me the stuff?

Tim: Yeah, he says he got you the clown costume, the power drill, and 12 tubs of spiders.

Jason: Wow! Where’d he find 12 tubs of fake spiders? 

Tim: You wanted fake spiders?

Jason:

Tim: I’ll go call Dick.

Damian, jumping out of Peter's closet: BOO!

Peter:

Damian:

Peter:

Damian: *makes a sad face*

Peter: Ahh! Oh my god! You scared me!

Tim: I'm very scary.

Jason: You're about as scary as a wet kitten.

Tim: Wet kittens are cute, at least I've got that going for me.

Jason: And small.

Tim:

Tim: ...I'm telling Aunt Selina you insulted cats.

Jason: No! Wait!

Peter: Happy October 32nd! Second Halloween!

Tim: That doesn't exist.

Peter: Not with that attitude.

Two-Face, walks in dressed as a half peacock, half crow.

Dick: ...

Dick: Why?

Two-Face, shrugs: second Halloween.

Chapter 158: And To All A Good Night!

Dick, singing: I don’t want a lot for Christmas, there is just one thing I need—

Tim: A lot more coffee.

Jason: A better love life.

Damian: A gaze of Raccoons.

Peter: New web shooters...

Bruce: And have you learnt anything this Christmas, Jason?

Jason: …Not really.

Bruce: Nothing?

Jason: Tell you one thing I have learnt—Christmas; ultimately, commercial holiday. Who's the real winner at Christmas? Amazon. they have drones now! Tiny little dystopian slaves delivering iPads and headphones. I ordered a toaster; It was on the doorstep five hours later! Do we need that? It was 4.99! For a toaster! I mean, someone's being exploited there.

Tim: And that Mr. Freeze and Snow hold an epic snowball fight!

Jason: That too. They also have hot chocolate at Nora's cryotank while Vic does his research.

Dick, wearing a reindeer hat: They go caroling too! And make intricate gingerbread houses!

Alfred: It is good to see Fries and Snow so happy for once.

Chapter 159: ~Love Is In The Air~

Tim: Valentine’s day is just a consumerist holiday that holds no real value other than to drive people insane buying heart shaped chocolates for their significant others and pos-

Stephanie: I wrote you a poem.

Tim, already crying: You did?

Dick, holding out a cookie for Barbara Look! This one's a heart, that’s how I feel about you!

Barbara: aww!

Jason, holding out a cookie for Duela: This one's like Michigan, that’s how I feel about you!

Duela, throwing her hands in the air: What does that mean?!

Chapter 160: 🌈✨

Dick: It’s Pride Month, you know what that means!

Peter: I get to eat as many Skittles as I want?

Dick: What? No! What has Jason been telling you?

Jason, walking in, pouring Skittles into his mouth: Taste the rainbow, bitch.

Dick, sighs: No.

Dick, grinning: It means Bruce will bring back RAINBOW BATMAN!

Peter: ...What?

Chapter 161: 🌈✨

Dick: It’s Pride Month, you know what that means!

Peter: I get to eat as many Skittles as I want?

Dick: What? No! What has Jason been telling you?

Jason, walking in, pouring Skittles into his mouth: Taste the rainbow, bitch.

Dick, sighs: No.

Dick, grinning: It means Bruce will bring back RAINBOW BATMAN!

Peter: ...What?

Chapter 162: Game Night!

Damian: There are no friends or family when playing board games. I am here to win.

Dick: See, the problem is, Little Wing, you’re playing 3D chess. I’m playing 4D.

Jason: I’m playing checkers. I don’t know what the fuck you’re playing.

*Everyone is playing a board game together*

Tim, taking a sip of his coffee: I will put 'A' down to make 'A'.

Damian: I shall add onto your 'A' to make 'AT'.

Dick, smirking at Bruce, who he knew had a B: I will add onto your 'AT'... to make 'RAT'.

Peter: I will add onto your 'RAT' to make 'BIOSTRATAGRAPHIC'.

Jason, who was going to make 'PIRATE': *flips the board*

Peter: Is Jason always like this when he loses?

Dick: Oh, yes. You should've been there for the Great Jenga Tantrum of 2005.

Jason: You bumped that table and you know it!

Dick: You're a lying piece of shit!

Jason: Oh yeah? You're the idiot that thinks you can get away with everything you do, WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD!

Tim: I'm leaving and I'm taking Peter with me!

Bruce: Aaaaand that's enough Monopoly for today.

Chapter 163: Bets

Bruce: *dies*

Dick: Timer starts now! When is he coming back? I say Three Months!

Jason: Bullshit. Two months.

Damian: You are incorrect. Father will return in one month.

Tim: Nah, half a month.

Peter, sobbing: WHAT ARE YOU DOING? MR WAYNE JUST DIED!

Cassandra, signing: One week.

Chapter 164: Peter Teaching Damian

Peter: That was a joke. Say ha.

Damian: Ha.

Peter: Now do it again.

Damian: Ha.

Peter, genuinely proud: Congratulations, you are officially the life of the party!

*at a zoo*

Damian: What are they in for?

Peter: Damian, this isn't prison.

Damian: So they can leave?

Peter: No, but-

Damian, pointing at a meerkat: I bet that one robbed someone.

Damian: What type of dog is this?

Peter, helpfully: That’s a tortoise.

Damian: are you aware of a turtle's only weakness?

Peter: No... well, their slowness.

Damian: Their weakness is they cannot roll over when they are on their backs.

Damian: Now I have a plan.

Damian: If I duct tape two turtles together, they will be unstoppable.

Peter: Everyone has a toxic trait. Except Damian, he's perfect.

Damian: incorrect! My toxic trait is how badly I would like to domesticate a raccoon.

Peter: What does the doggy say? 

Damian: Bow wow.

Peter: What does the kitty say? 

Damian: Meow meow.

Peter: What does the Batcow say? 

Damian, in deep voice: I'm BatMOOOON.

Chapter 165: Kettle

Damian: Which one of you was going to inform me that tea tastes different if you put it in hot water??

Tim: Y- you were putting it in cold water??

Jason: Damian. Answer the question, Damian.

Damian: Yes??? I was under the impression that people simply put it in hot water to speed up the tea-ification process. I wasn't aware there was an actual purpose.

Damian: also, are you under the impression that I have the patience to boil water?

Tim: You don't have the patience to microwave water for 3 minutes??

Jason: Why are you putting it in the microwave to boil it?

Tim: Do you think I have the patience to boil water on the stove?

Jason: It takes less than a minute.

Tim: Is your stovetop powered by the fucking sun???

Jason: How long does it take you to boil a cup of water on the stove?

Tim: Like seven minutes??

Dick: Just stick the mug on top of the stove on medium heat and it boils in like 2 minutes... less than that if you use a saucepan!

Jason: Why are you putting the whole mug on the stove?? On medium heat?? Dick? Your stove is enchanted!

Damian: Every one of you is insane.

Peter: ...Do none of you own a kettle?!

Chapter 166: Air Fryer

Dick: I didn’t know that air fryers are a real thing. Used to think that they were made up by the internet as a funny joke and that their purpose was to “fry air”.

Jason: WAIT, BUT IT FRIES THE AIR TO FRY THE FOOD??

Dick: I DIDN’T KNOW IT WAS A KITCHEN APPLIANCE, MY FIRST ASSUMPTION WAS SOMETHING AKIN TO AN AIR CONDITIONER!

Tim: IT’S NOT LIKE AN AIR CONDITIONER????

Peter: You guys clearly don’t own an air fryer.

Chapter 167: One, Two, Three, Four, Five!

*Everyone is at Dick’s house*

Tim: Ohhhh we each get our own oven?

Dick: …N-No…

Dick, laughing: How many ovens do you think I have???

Tim, motioning to the kitchen: Three, I thought!

Damian: I see a-

Dick, motioning to one device: This is a microwave.

Tim: Oh, well I-

Dick: Hey, wait wait, actually- hang on- *fiddles with the buttons on the microwave*

Dick, amazed: Its got a bake setting!

Jason: Ohoho, you learn something new every day!

Peter: Do we- Do we roshambo for who gets to pick first?

Dick: Now I’ve discovered more ovens than I thought, we don’t have to roshambo nothin’!

Dick: I am someone who owns four ovens…

Dick, louder and way too happy: I am someone… who owns FOUR OVENS…

Cassandra, pointing to another appliance and signing: Also, the toaster oven.

Dick:

Tim: Ohhh, toasty boy! Four- Five ovens!

Dick:

Dick, ecstatic: I AM SOMEONE WHO OWNS FIVE OVENS.

Chapter 168: Jason Teaching Peter

Peter: Hey, are you free?

Jason: No, I’m expensive.

Peter: Are you BUSY?

Jason: Yes.

Peter: Cool, listen to this.

Jason: The path to inner peace begins with four words… not my fucking problem.

Jason, talking to Peter: “Ladies and gentlemen” is unnecessarily gendered, overly formal, lengthy, and honestly, I’m falling asleep already. “Cowards” on the other hand, is inclusive to all genders, to the point, and dramatic.

Jason: Blackmail is such an ugly word. I prefer extortion. The X makes it sound cool.

Peter: I love sarcasm! It’s like punching people in the face, but with words!

Jason: I'd rather just punch them, but okay.

Jason: Oh, here’s my award for the most rules broken!

Peter: That’s not an award, it’s an angry letter from Mr Wayne.

Jason, hanging it on his wall: Well, it has the word ‘most’ in it, so I’m calling it an award!

Peter: *cooking*

Jason: *kicks down door*

Jason: *grabs knife from Peter's hand*

Jason: WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT DESTRUCTIVE BEHAVIOR?

Peter:

Peter: What.

Dick: He's trying to tell you he wants to cook.

Peter: You know, studies show that keeping a ladder in the house is more dangerous than a loaded gun.

Jason: That's why I own a HUNDRED AND TWENTY FOUR guns.

Jason: Just in case some maniac tries to sneak in with a ladder.

Jason, sticking his head into the room: Did you know spiders can hold 8 guns at once?

Tim: How does it WALK??

Jason: I don't know how he does it!

Dick:

Dick: 'He'?

Peter, from the other room: I just use my web slingers! Like thi- oh shit! I dropped one!

Jason, looking back into the other room:

Jason: Did you know spiders can hold 7 guns at once?

Dick: Jason! What did you DO?!

Jason: Calm down! They're not loaded!

Jason: There’s no “I” in team, but there is one in pizza.

Peter: So, you’re not going to share?

Jason: I’m not going to share.

Chapter 169: Rogues, Meet Spidey!

Peter: Its hard to resist, I'm really sorry- I mean, considering your approach so far, you had me tied here for- what? Hours? And you haven’t even had me confirm what exactly I am!

Riddler: What are you then?

Peter: I'm a Leo!

Peter: Yum, thanks!

Riddler: *puts more tape over their mouth* I said stop eating it!

Penguin: You seem familiar... have I threatened you before?

Peter, taking a minute to think about it: Not that I'm aware of!

Penguin, smugly, after security arrives to escort Peter and Tim out: So, do you wanna walk out of here or do you wanna be carried out?

Tim, in defeat: Let’s go.

Peter: Wait.

Tim: What?

Peter: I’d kinda like to be carried out...

Peter: Hey, aren’t you Catwoman?

Selina: You a cop?

Peter: No..?

Selina: Then yes, I am.

Chapter 170: I Fucking Wonder

*Tim and Stephanie are flirting with each other yet again*

Peter: And you two are sure you're not dating?

Stephanie: 100%.

Tim: Of course not! Why would you think that?

Jason: I wonder why that possibility would even cross his mind, Timmy. I fucking wonder.

Chapter 171: We Can Be Heroes

Peter: Watch Sharkboy and Lavagirl with her.

Tim: Okay.

Peter: And make out during the scary parts.

Tim: Th-

Peter: The scary parts.

Tim: Of Sharkboy and Lavagirl.

Chapter 172: Truth

Dick: Jason, let’s go!

Jason: Oh, yeah, about telling Bruce and Alfred, I was thinking about writing... maybe a letter?

Dick: Okay, you know what? That’s it, you had your chance.

Jason: What-?

Dick: Bruce, Alfred, Jason crashed the Batmobile!

Jason: You are such a tattletale!

Jason: Bruce, Alfred, you remember that time you walked into my room and found a stray cat? Well, I told you it was Damian who snuck her in, but... It was me. I’m sorry.

Dick: And Bruce, you know that engineer that you fired? He didn’t steal your Baterangs, jason did.

Jason: Yeah, well, hurricane Gloria didn’t break the porch swing, Dick did.

Dick: Jason hasn’t worked for a year!

Jason: Dick and Barbara are living together!

Dick: Jason told the Press that Bruce Wayne is Batman's sugar daddy!

Tim: I love Stephanie Brown!

Damian: I wasn’t supposed to put broccoli in the pancakes!

Peter: I wanna gooo!!

Chapter 173: Judge All You Want, But

Tim, to Alfred: Fine! Judge all you want, but...

Tim, points at Dick: Married a hacker.

Tim, points at Jason: Fell in love with a criminal!

Tim, points at Bruce: Walks around in a bat suit.

Tim, points at Peter: jumped into some random portal he saw!

Tim, points at Damian: brought home a box of wild racoons!

Chapter 174: Flowers

Duela: You know, Dick gives Barbara flowers everyday, I wish you'd do that too.

Jason: Okay.

*Later*

Jason: *gives Barbara flowers*

Barbara: uh..?

Jason: I don't know, I'm confused as well.

Chapter 175: 💍

Peter: So you’re dating Barbara?

Dick, sarcastically: What? No! I’m just buying her an accessory since she has a terrible fashion sense.

Peter, confused: That’s literally a wedding ring..?

Chapter 176: I Am Tim, And I Approve This Message!

Jason: I never said I was gonna get back together with her. But I was thinking, she's in town, would it be the worst thing in the world if I gave her a call?

Dick: No. No, Little Wing, it wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world. It would be the fourth worst thing. Number one: a super volcano. Number two: an asteroid hits the Earth. Number three: All the Now You See Me movies are lost. Number four: Jason calls Duela. Number five: Tim gets abducted by aliens.

Tim: I’m Tim, and I approve the order of that list.

Chapter 177: Musical Chairs

*The kids are gathered in the living room for a meeting*

Duela: *walks in and sits on Jason's lap*

Everyone: …

Peter: Why are you sitting there?

Duela: There’s no free seats!

Peter: But we made sure there was enough room for-

Jason: *hugs Duela tightly* There are no free seats.

Chapter 178: Yes, Yes She Did

Peter: H-how do you ask someone out?

Dick: Well, first-

Barbara: Don't ask him, he asked me out in a police station, while being arrested.

Peter: ...And you said yes?

Chapter 179: Single

Peter: Do you mind if I slyly mention that you’re single?

Tim: Do not do that.

Peter: You won’t even notice!

Stephanie, entering: Peter, you wanted to see me again?

Peter: Tim's single

Tim:

Chapter 180: Talk Dirty~

Jason: Talk dirty to me, baby~

Duela: The dishes.

Jason: Wh-

Duela: They’ve been there for 4 days and it’s your turn to wash them. You still haven’t cleaned them and I have asked you to do so several times.

Chapter 181: High Standards!

Jason: I have very high standards, you know.

Duela: I can make spaghetti...

Jason: Oh no! You're meeting all my standards!

Chapter 182: Smooth

Tim: How do you know how to kiss? Like who teaches you?

Stephanie: Well it’s actually a class, but unfortunately it’s full right now.

Stephanie: Would you like me to tutor you?

Peter: That was smooth.

Chapter 183: Romantic

Jason: A fistfight CAN be romantic.

Chapter 184: 🤦‍♀️

Stephanie: I’ve been dropping him the most insanely obvious hints for like a year now. No response.

Tim: Wow. He sounds stupid.

Stephanie: But he's not. He's really smart actually. Just dense.

Tim: Maybe you need to be more obvious? Like, I don’t know… “Hey! I love you!”

Stephanie: I guess you’re right. Hey Tim, I love you.

Tim: See! Just say that!

Stephanie: Holy fucking shit.

Tim: If that flies over his head then, sorry Steph, but he's too dumb for you.

Stephanie: Tim.

Chapter 185: Spoilers!

Tim: Guys, I’ve been meaning to tell you… Steph and I are dating.

Stephanie, Peter, and Dick: *gasp*

Everyone else: *general noises of knowledge*

Tim: Steph, why are you surprised?!

Stephanie: I wanted to SPOIL it!

Chapter 186: Don't Tell Me

Alfred: Oh Master Jason, you have a visitor.

Dick: Don't tell me it's Duela.

Alfred: It's Miss Duela.

Chapter 187: Time Is Non-Linear

Jason: If Duela says she'll be ready in five minutes, she will be.

Jason: No need to remind her every fifteen minutes about it.

Chapter 188: Dating!

Jason: Duela and I are no longer friends.

Duela: JASON THAT IS THE WORST WAY TO TELL PEOPLE THAT WE’RE DATING!

Chapter 189: Maybe Babies

//FIGHTING RIDDLER//

Dick: What if the person who named Walkie Talkies named everything?

Dick: Pregnancy tests are Maybe Babies.

Tim: Socks are Feetie Heaties.

Cassandra, signing: Defibrillators are Heartie Starties.

Jason: Nightmares are Dreamy Screamies.

Peter: Stamps are Lickie Stickies.

Riddler: I hate you guys so much.

Riddler: *gets knocked out by a Baterang*

Damian, out of nowhere: Batie Wackies.

Jason: What's got Maybe Babies on your mind anyway, Dick?

Dick, nervously: ha, I should probably get Riddler to Arkham before he wakes up. Bye!

Dick, picks up Riddler and runs for it.

Chapter 190: Escape

//IN BLUDHAVEN//

Barbara, pointing to Dick’s empty room: YOU LET HIM ESCAPE?!?

Jason, who was supposed to be making sure he didn't do superheroing while his leg was broken: I WAS ON BREAK!

Chapter 191: ~Baby, I've Been Loving Losing Sleep~

Jason: Ooh, somebody has a crush~

Tim: Pfft, I don’t have a crush on Stephanie I just think she's cool, it’s not like I stay up at night thinking about her!

*Later that night*

Tim, very much awake: Uh oh.

Chapter 192: Memory Person

*Trying to cheer Jason after a break up*

Dick: You broke up with Duela for a reason.

Jason: I know, I know. I’m just so tired of missing her. Tired of wondering why she haven’t called. Why haven’t she called?

Tim: Maybe because you told her not to?

Jason: What are you, the Memory Person?

Chapter 193: Wedding Bella 🔔

AT DICK AND BARBARA'S WEDDING:

Jason: What the hell were you thinking?

Peter: I heard releasing birds at a wedding is romantic!

Jason: You released OSTRICHES!

Barbara: You don't think I can fight because of my gender!

Bruce: I don't think you can fight because you're in a wedding dress. For what it's worth, I don't think Dick can fight in that dress either.

Dick: Perhaps not. But I would make a radiant bride.

Chapter 194: 👉👉

Jason: Did Duela just tell me she loved me for the first time?

Tim: Yeah, she did.

Jason: And did I just do finger guns back?

Tim: Yeah, you did.

Chapter 195: ~Hush, Little Baby~

*Dick holding his baby*

Jason: Oh God, I can’t believe one of us actually has one of these.

Damian: I know, I am still one of these.

Chapter 196: Past

*talking about Poison Ivy, during her debut*

Harvey: She is beauty.

Bruce: She is grace.

Dick, runnning into the room: SHE CAN DESTROY THE HUMAN RACE!

Young Jason, grinning: I have a knife!

Bruce: Put it down, Jason.

Jason: Make me! *sprints away*

Young Jason: We’re going to a candy store?!

Bruce: No! It’s nighttime, candy stores are closed.

Young Jason: We’re gonna ROB a candy store?!?!

Bruce, sighing: No-

Bruce: It's called cauliflower, not ghost broccoli.

Young Jason, eyes wide: I know what I saw.

Young Jason, after getting a library card: Now I know what true power feels like.

Alfred: Master Dick, what do we say when making bread?

Young Dick, glumly: That's the dough rising.

Alfred: And Master Jason, what do we NOT say?

Young Jason, sadly: That's the yeast fucking.

Young Jason, reading his school assignment out loud: I love my library because...

Young Jason, mouthing words while writing: I love reading, fuck you.

Young Jason: I am your king, long may I reign!

Young Dick: Well I didn’t vote for you!

Young Jason: You do not vote for kings.

Young Dick: Well how’d you become king then?

Young Jason: Lady Katrina of the Lake, her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water, signifying by divine providence that I, Jason Todd, was to carry Excalibur. That is why I am your king.

Young Dick: Listen. Strange people lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.

Redhoodmite (Tim), writing in his diary with a glitter gel pen after Jason died: I'm losing my sense of humanity. Nothing matters. God is dead.

Chapter 197: Jon's Visiting!

Peter: For most of human history, vehicles had automatic collision avoidance and could even take you home if you were asleep or tired. But then we got rid of the horse.

Jason: You stupid fucking idiot. "Cars would be better if they could bite and shit" – that was you just now.

Jason: "Wouldn't it be cool if cars could piss? Wouldn't it be cool if cars could fuck?" Fuck that shit.

Tim: It would be cool if cars could fuck.

Jon, who's visiting Damian: We... We still have horses...?

Jon: English is CRAZY. Oregano is both a spaghetti leaf topping and a form of paper art!

Damian: What is this "paper art" you speak of?

Jon: That thing where you make cranes and stuff out of folded paper!

Damian: ... Jon.

Damian: I have become a bread crumb dealer to four crows at the lake. They pay me with a bit of everything. Like shiny things, fabric, or pens. But recently they paid me with a 20 dollar bill they found somewhere. So I decided to buy them some more expensive bread. They loved it. So they understand what to do. Give me money. I have likely racked up around 200 dollars at this point. Is it morally wrong though, I mean. They are the ones who steal the money from others. Or perhaps they just have a big pile laying somewhere. Should I keep on doing this?

Jon: You sound like the start of a Gotham villain.