Somehow We Became Teachers

Chapter 1: In Which No-One Learns What Their Job Is

group chat [Gotham High Faculty] was created

11 members were added to group chat

[Mr. Wayne]: Hello, everyone! My name is Bruce, though I guess you probably already know that.

[Mr. Wayne]: I'll be your coordinator and advocate. I'm here to help you adjust to your new roles here, and hopefully to greater society after that.

[Mr. Wayne]: I can't wait for us all to get to know each other better! :)

[Mr. Nygma]: Cut the crap, Bats, we all know who you are.

[Dr. Quinzel]: Damn, Eddie must be PISSED if he's not even TRYING to be subtle

[Mr. Nygma]: I spent years trying to escape the Hell that is highschool.

[Mr. Nygma]: And now not only have I been dragged back into it

[Mr. Nygma]: But I am being forced to be on the side of the so-called 'teachers'

[Mr. Nygma]: At the same school MY DAUGHTER GOES TO

[Mr. Nygma]: I am now part of the system that will give her Fails and force her into detention and shame her for her intelligence.

[Mr. Nygma]: It's bad enough she insisted on going in the first place, but to actually be one of the people she must struggle against?

[Mr. Nygma]: YOU BETTER RUN FAR AND FAST WHEN I GET THIS PROXIMITY COLLAR OFF, BATMAN.

[Mr. Wayne]: Well that was... Something.

[Mr. Wayne]: This doesn't have to be a hostile experience if you guys don't make it one. If you've had experience with abusive teachers in the past, then you should be glad that you're now in a position to be a teacher students LIKE to learn from.

[Mr. Wayne]: Whether you like it or not, we're all in this together now, so can't we try to get along?

[Mr. Nygma] changed 11 nicknames

[I'm Batman]: How'd did you do that?? I'm the only one with control over the chat.

[Mr. E]: Your lack of faith in my hacking abilities disturbs me.

[JonnyBoy]: I'm sorry, but can we move on from this nonsense and get to the point where you tell us what our unwilling roles in this ridiculous farce are to be?

[JonnyBoy]: EDWARD CHANGE MY NICKNAME RIGHT FUCKING NOW OR I SWEAR TO GOTHAM I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN

[Mr. E]: Alright, alright! Sheesh...

[Mr. E] changed 1 nickname

[Mr. E]: Better?

[Haigha]: We'll see.

[Haigha]: Seriously, Ed? Change it to Scarecrow or King Of Screams or something.

[TheCoolerHatter]: Aw, but I kinda like it 🥺 

[Haigha]: Of course you do

[Mr. E]: So am I changing it or...?

[Haigha]: Shut up, Ed.

[TheCoolerHatter]: Oh, oh! If I may I request a change to my own address here? I would much prefer Hatta, if you please, dear.

[Mr. E]: Sure, bud.

[Mr. E] changed 1 nickname

[Mr. E]: There you go.

[Hatta]: Oh, thank you! 😊 

[Nora's Husband]: To echo the Scarecrow's earlier request, can we receive our assignments now?

[Nora's Husband]: Oh

[Ivy]: What the Hell, Nygma?

[Clownette]: Don't you think that name's just a scooch insensitive, Eddie?

[Nora's Husband]: I appreciate the defense, but it's fine.

[Nora's Husband]: I quite like it, actually

[Clown1]: Course u do, ya big obsessive softie XD XD XD

[Two For One Special]: Says the guy who spends 90% of his time either talking about or making googoo eyes at bats.

[Two For One Special]: *Bats

[See Ya Later Waylon]: Hreat now im picturing joker just stsring at a bunch of bats with heart eyes

[Clownette]: Do the bats have heart eyes or does Mr J?

[See Ya Later Waylon]: yes

[Ivy]: Obviously the bats can't have heart eyes, tho

[Ivy]: Joker's love is never requited.

[Clown1]: FUCK TOU PLANTFACE

[I'm Batman]: Why in the world did I think this would be a good idea?

[Mr. E]: Beats me

[Clown1]: Oh, oh!!! EDDIE!!! CHANGE BATSY'S NAME RO VENGEANCE

[Two For One Special]: Oh Gotham, we'd almost forgotten about that.

[Two For One Special]: Coin's on Joker's side, do it Ed! Do it!

[I'm Batman]: One time. I said it ONE TIME.

[Haigha]: VENGEANCE

[Hatta]: VENGEANCE

[Ready For My Close Up]: VENGEANCE

[See Ya Later Waylon]: VENGEANCE

[Ivy]: VENGEANCE

[Clownette]: VENGEANCE, EDDIE! VENGEANCE!!!

[Mr. E]: Sorry not sorry, Bats. It's unanimous.

[I'm Batman]: It's literally not. I'm voting against it and Fries didn't vote.

[Nora's Husband]: Vengeance.

[I'm Batman]: REALLY, FRIES? REALLY?

[Nora's Husband]: You've forced me to detour from my quest to revive my wife in order to play teacher for the next few years.

[Nora's Husband]: If my heart wasn't cold and dead and rotted away, I think I could safely say I was a tad bitter, right now.

[Mr. E]: Well, on that depressing yet somewhat amusing note

[Mr. E] changed 1 nickname

[Mr. E]: Now about those assignments, Bats?

[Mr. E]: What inane things will we be forced to turn our brilliance to? And what in the world did you find that Croc could wrap his peanut mind around?

[See Ya Later Waylon]: HEY

[Vengeance, The Night, Father Of Five]: You know what? Let's just move on. You guys are right, I should've listed the assignments by now.

[Vengeance, The Night, Father Of Five]: Nygma...

[Clownette]: Wowza, that's the first time I've ever been able to HEAR a sigh in a text...

[Mr. E]: Alright, I'll change it.

[Mr. E] changed 1 nickname

[Mr. E]: That better for you?

[Cinnamon Bun With Knives]: I doubt it.

[Cinnamon Bun With Knives]: Okay, that's it.

[Cinnamon Bun With Knives] changed 2 nicknames

[Bruce]: If I must suffer so must you

[Mr. Nashton]: Aaaand there's the bat we know and loathe!

[Mr. Nashton]: HOW FUCKING DARE YOU

[Mr. Nashton] changed 2 nicknames

[Prince Of Puzzles]: THIS MEANS WAR, BATMAN

[Last Of The Waynes]: Bring it on.

[Last Of The Waynes]: WHAT

[Haigha]: We're never getting those assignments, are we?

[Ivy]: Lol, you seriously thought we would, didn't you?

[Hatta]: My dear March Hare is an optimist at heart, his cynicism is truly just a part, but it's one he plays oh so well, though perhaps these secrets aren't mine to tell.

[See Ya Later Waylon]: incore! Incore!

[Ready For My Close Up]: Please tell me you know it's encore and are just trolling us

[See Ya Later Waylon]: ye lets go wtih that

Chapter 2: In Which Everyone Learns What Their Job Is

[Haigha]: Okay, are you two loons FINALLY okay with your names?

[Dormouse]: Not particularly.

[BruceTheBat]: No. But we really need to move on, so it's fine.

[Hatta]: My dear friend, why does your name makes you so upset? To me it looks like a perfect fit!

[Dormouse]: Whatever, it's fine.

[Dormouse]: It's better than Green Weirdo, at least.

[BruceTheBat]: You do not get to complain after changing my username to I Fill The Hole In My Heart By Collecting Fellow Orphans But Deep Down I Know It Won't Work.

[See Ya Later Waylon]: he has a point nigma that was a low blow

[Clownette]: Yeah, Eddie. You lost that one.

[Ivy]: Accept it with grace, riddle face

[Hatta]: I'M THE ONE THAT RHYMES (AS DOES JONATHAN AT TIMES)

[Ready For My Close Up]: Look out, Pammy, I think you made the munchkin mad

[Hatta]: Munchkin

[Haigha]: Oh no

[Dormouse]: Jervis have mercy he doesn't know!

[Ready For My Close Up]: What? What's happening??

[Hatta]: YOU DARE TO COMPARE

[Hatta]: ME TO THAT GARBAGE

[Hatta]: YOU SIMPLETON WANNABE ACTOR

[Clown1]: oooh, hatty's getting savage!!

[Hatta]: THE WIZARD OF OZ IS A TRASH BOOK FOR TRASH PEOPLE

[Ivy]: Look out, Clay, I think you made the Hatter mad

[Ready For My Close Up]: Fuck you Pammy

[Ivy]: No thanks, I'm happy with Harls

[Dormouse]: Oh my Gotham

[See Ya Later Waylon]: asjehosjlde WHAT

[BruceTheBat]: You can't just SAY things like that!

[Clownette]: Like you haven't heard us say worse, Bats

[BruceTheBat]: Unfortunately true.

[BruceTheBat]: Now if we could finally move on to the assignments?

[Haigha]: Thank Gotham

[Ready For My Close Up]: FINALLY

[BruceTheBat]: ...let's just get this done before the day ends

[BruceTheBat]: First off, Joker. You're the new Chemistry teacher.

[Clown1]: that is a horrible horrible decision and I applaud whoever made it.

[BruceTheBat]: Trust me, if I was in charge of these assignments you wouldn't even be allowed out of your room.

[Clown1]: gee why you trying to lock me in a room, Batsy?

[Clown1]: ya know I'd actually be fine with that if I had some COMPANY

[Clown1]: 🦇 🤡 ❤️ 

[BruceTheBat]: Ignoring that...

[BruceTheBat]: Quinn and Jones, it's school policy to always have a male and a female PE teacher, so you'll be sharing that.

[See Ya Later Waylon]: ye cause that will make rhe kids feel mkre comfortable with mutant criminals as there teavers.

[Clownette]: Oh, PE! I can start doing gymnastics again! THANK YOU BATS 🥰🥰🥰 

[BruceTheBat]: Again, I didn't assign these. But you're welcome.

[BruceTheBat]: Tetch, you're teaching Literature. Which means you'll have to talk about authors OTHER than Lewis Carroll.

[Hatta]: No need to worry, dear Bat, I can certainly do just that.

[BruceTheBat]: Objectively. Without insulting or ranting about them.

[Hatta]: That might be a tad harder.

[BruceTheBat]: Crane, you've got psychology.

[Haigha]: Oh joy.

[Haigha]: This nonsense again.

[Clownette]: Come on professor, you had fun teaching sometimes, right?

[Haigha]: Only when you were in class, child

[Clownette]: Aw, professor 😍 

[Ivy]: Stop it, Crane. The more Harley likes you, the less I'm allowed to hate you..

[BruceTheBat]: Biology class goes to Isley

[Ivy]: What no please

[Ready For My Close Up]: Haha, you've gotta teach a bunch of teenagers how they're bodies work 😂😂😂 

[BruceTheBat]: Clay gets Drama class. Which is apparently also art class in this school, wtf?

[BruceTheBat]: I really need to pay more attention to the quality of education in this city...

[Ready For My Close Up]: YES! YES! YES!

[Dormouse]: No fair, why's he the favorite??

[BruceTheBat]: Because he didn't change my name to Buttman.

[BruceTheBat]: And again, I don't actually control what you guys teach.

[BruceTheBat]: If I did, you never would've gotten Computer Sciences, Nygma.

[Dormouse]: I'm sorry what

[Dormouse]: I'm getting access to systems outside the closed chat network?

[BruceTheBat]: Yes.

[Dormouse]: ...who's in charge of this program, again? Because I'd like to have them committed.

[Dormouse]: And yes, I do in fact see the irony in that, but STILL.

[Nora's Husband]: I shudder to think which topic I will be expected to teach.

[BruceTheBat]: General Sciences.

[Nora's Husband]: That actually isn't too bad.

[Nora's Husband]: Thank you.

[BruceTheBat]: I DON'T CONTROL ANY OF THIS

[BruceTheBat]: Oh, and I've got to tell you guys that you need to teach the students any languages you might know and are 'encouraged to pass on useful skills'.

[Dormouse]: Wtf?

[Two For One Special]: What the Hell kind of school is this??

[BruceTheBat]: One where Criminology, Law, and History are all considered the same class.

[BruceTheBat]: Which is what you're teaching.

[Two For One Special]: WHAT??

[BruceTheBat]: [sent a link]

[BruceTheBat]: Use that to start preparing for classes. They start next week.

[BruceTheBat]: If you'll excuse me, I need to go ask some people some questions.

[Clown1]: with your fists, right?

[Clown1]: Batsy?

[Clown1]: Darling?

[Clown1]: ya need ro go ask some people some questions with your fists

[Clown1]: say it Batsy

[Clown1]: SAY IT

[BruceTheBat]: Fine .

[BruceTheBat]: I need to go ask some people some questions. With my fists.

[Clownette]: OH MY GOTHAM HE DID IT

[Clownette]: HE ACTUALLY PLAYED ALONG WITH MR J'S STUPID REQUEST

[Dormouse]: Batman's got a cru-ush

[Dormouse]: Batman's got a cru-ush

[Hatta]: Batman's got a crush!!

[Haigha]: Aw fuck, not both of you

[Dormouse]: You have no choice, Jon. This is a cult and you joined years ago.

[Hatta]: You know he's right my Hare, my heart.

[Hatta]: Of our nonsense, you're forever a part.

[Haigha]: Fair point. Batman has a crush.

[BruceTheBat]: Shut up, you're all delusional.

[Ivy]: I'm with Batman, no one could ever possibly love Joker

[Ivy]: Except Harley, but I won that ages ago

[Hatta]: Well that's a little mean, don't you think? I mean, The SS Batjokes has yet to sink.

[Dormouse]: The clown isn't ENTIRELY detestable, after all. I'm sure SOMEONE will return his affections someday.

[BruceTheBat]: Hm. Entirely possible.

[See Ya Later Waylon]: wut

[Ready For My Close Up]: DID HE REALLY JUST..?

[Clown1]: ...Batsy 💜

[Nora's Husband]: Well that was unexpected.

[Two For One Special]: And by unexpected you of course mean ENTIRELY EXPECTED

[Ivy]: Tell me you did not just quote Dr Doofenshmirtz

[Two For One Special]: Harvey likes cartoons, there's not much I can do about it.

[Two For One Special]: Yeah but Harv's the one that quotes them.

[Two For One Special]: Shut. Up.

[Two For One Special]: MAKE ME

[Ready For My Close Up]: Wait, how did you know it was a quote, Pam? I had to look it up.

[Dormouse]: Quite obviously Harley forces her to watch cartoons on a regular basis

[Clownette]: Yeparoodledoo! :D

[See Ya Later Waylon]: u ok joker u been quiet

[Clown1]: fine I'm fine

[Clown1]: it's just

[Clown1]: he's gonna like me back someday, right?

[Clown1]: I love our game n everything but he's EVENTUALLY gonna admit it

[Clown 1]: isn't he?

[Clownette]: Oh, pudding! Of course he will.

[Clownette]: Batsy will come around one of these days, you'll see.

[Hatta]: And even if he doesn't, it won't be the end of the world.

[Hatta]: If I hadn't lost my Alice, I wouldn't have found my March Hare.

[Hatta]: We will be here for you either way, dear friend.

[Hatta]: Won't we?

[Haigha]: If I must.

[Dormouse]: Yes, yes, whatever.

[Nora's Husband]: I wish for everyone to find their Nora. That includes you, Joker.

[Clown1]: u guys are amazing. I hope u kniw that.

[Dormouse]: I hate the way you text. I hope you know that.

[Clown1]: Oh, eddie

[Clown1]: course I do XD

[Clownette]: Got anything to say, Red?

[Ivy]: Ugh, alright.

[Ivy]: I'm sorry.

[Ivy]: But only because Harley's making me say I am.

[Clown1]: I 4give ya

[Clown1]: but 4 exactly the same reason

[Ready For My Close Up]: Harley's really the glue that holds this group together, ain't she?

[Dormouse]: Uh, duh? Even Croc knows THAT.

[See Ya Later Waylon]: HEY

Chapter 3: In Which Everyone Complains About Funding

[BruceTheBat]: How was everyone's first day of class?

[Dormouse] named group chat [I Guess We're Teachers Now]

[Dormouse]: Take a wild fucking guess.

[Hatta]: Actually, I don't believe it was all that bad.

[Hatta]: I think the Dormouse just enjoys being mad.

[Dormouse]: JONATHAN, QUICK, BEFORE HE REALIZES WHAT HE SAID

[Dormouse]: WROTE

[Dormouse]: WHATEVER

[Haigha]: Of course he enjoys being mad, Hatter 

[Haigha]: wE'rE aLl MAd heRe.

[Hatta]: Very funny, my dear bunny

[Haigha]: Oh shit I'm in trouble

[Dormouse]: You're in trouble!

[Dormouse]: You're in trouble!

[Dormouse]: You're in trouble!

[Hatta]: I cannot fathom whyever you might think that, when normally you're such a clever little rat

[Dormouse]: What, no, why am I in trouble??

[Ready For My Close Up]: Can someone explain what the fuck's happening here?

[Dormouse]: He got our nicknames wrong!!!!

[Haigha]: He only does that when he's mad

[Hatta]: Oh, but dear Hare

[Hatta]: i'M alWaYs MaD

[Dormouse]: Jonathan you genius!

[Haigha]: Shut up Edward.

[Clownette]: Are you telling Eddie to shut up or asking someone to shut him up?

[Haigha]: Yes

[Ivy]: ON IT

[Dormouse]: What?

[Dormouse]: Ivy?

[Dormouse]: Ivy!?

[Dormouse]: ...I'm scared.

[Haigha]: good.

[BruceTheBat]: GUYS. First day report, remember? At least pretend to take this seriously.

[Ivy]: Who're you calling guys, batface?

[Clownette]: YEAH GUYS WHAT GUYS I DON'T SEE NO GUYS HERE

[Ivy]: Dial ir back, Harls.

[Clownette]: NEVER

[Dormouse]: IVY!

[Dormouse]: I request mercy

[Ivy]: No

[Dormouse]: Please?

[Ivy]: No

[Dormouse]: Welp, I'm doomed.

[Haigha]: Or you could just beg for mercy like a normal fucking person

[Dormouse]: NEVER

[BruceTheBat]: Who wants to go first and tell the group about their first day?

[Clownette]: Aw, look, Batsy's still trying.

[Clownette]: Now I feel bad...

[Clownette]: Not bad enough to fix it, but still.

[Clown1]: oh, Ooooh, I wannabtalk about my day!

[BruceTheBat]: Anyone else?

[Clown1]: ME ✋✋✋ 

[BruceTheBat]: No one?

[Ready For My Close Up]: crickets

[BruceTheBat]: Clay! Thanks for volunteering! :)

[Clown1]: Awwww, but I wanted to go!!!1!

[Ready For My Close Up]: What? No, I was just trying to add sound effects!

[BruceTheBat]: Too bad, you volunteered

[Hatta]: We've officially corrupted the bat.

[Hatta]: Who knew it'd be as easy as that?

[Ready For My Close Up]: CURSE MY LOVE FOR THEATER!!

[Ready For My Close Up]: Anyways, though, this was actually a lot of fun

[Ready For My Close Up]: A captive audience, some props, a stage — what more could a guy possibly ask for?

[Ready For My Close Up]: On that note, I need to talk to you about some budgetary concerns

[Dormouse]: I actually need to as well, but for the opposite reason

[Dormouse]: My department is getting WAY too much funding

[Dormouse]: The computers are top-of-the-line and we have SO MUCH SPACE to work in, it's insane

[Dormouse]: We have extra computers just to learn how to dismantle them, and they're STILL better quality than I was expecting the actual computers to be

[Ready For My Close Up]: Wait, seriously? That's what I was going to say!

[Ready For My Close Up]: The drama department is way too big, the props are like REALLY nice, and we have just about every color of paint known to man

[Ready For My Close Up]: And some that I'm pretty sure weren't know to man before they showed up in the classroom

[Haigha]: I wasn't going to say anything, but all of my textbooks are up to date. All of them. And there's enough to just hand out to students.

[Haigha]: As the only one of us with actual teaching experience, I will take it up on myself to inform you all that such things are NOT normal

[Haigha]: Not in this city, anyways.

[Two For One Special]: Our textbooks are brand new too.

[Ivy]: Biology's up-to-date as well

[Hatta]: Pardon me, I'm not at my best, but oh my, oh me, oh dearest dear

[Hatta]: Literature's fine just like the rest, but it's mostly just Shakespeare!

[Clownette]: NO WAY

[Clownette]: We were just talking about something like that!

[Clownette]: Tell em, croc!

[See Ya Later Waylon]: gems nic

[Clownette]: Don't worry, Waylon, I'll tell them.

[Clownette]: Hey, pudding, you remember Lexi's gym?

[Clown1]: can't say that I do pumpkin

[Clownette]: You told me about it. You saw it when he was using that shock collar on you

[Clown1]: oh RIGHT

[Clown1]: good times

[BruceTheBat]: I'm sorry, shock collar?

[Clown1]: long srory dont worry bout it

[Clownette]: It's kinda like THAT

[Clownette]: Seriously, these kids are gonna be RIPPED when we're done with em

[Clownette]: We've got a full-blown training course in here

[Nora's Husband]: I have noticed that general sciences seems to have some rather nice equipment

[Nora's Husband]: I assumed things had simply improved over time

[Dormouse]: While most schools in Gotham HAVE improved, just like everything else in this damn city since Wayne came back, nowhere else comes CLOSE to this

[Ivy]: How do you know that??

[Dormouse]: Google.

[Clownette]: HE ADMITS IT

[Clownette]: Finally, after all these years! :D

[Dormouse]: Oh shut it, Quinn.

[Ivy]: Hey, that's my girlfriend you're talking to! >:(

[Dormouse]: Yeah, and..?

[Haigha]: Ed, I'd tread carefully if I were you. You're already on Poison Ivy's hit list.

[Dormouse]: AND WHOSE FAULT IS THAT, JONATHAN?

[Dormouse]: Fair point, though.

[Dormouse]: Hey, Ivy — mercy?

[Ivy]: No

[Dormouse]: Dammit

[BruceTheBat]: Okay I'm pretty sure Nygma gave me as Wayne a compliment rather than me as the Bat, and I actually really want to talk about that

[BruceTheBat]: But first — Joker, why am I being told that you made everyone leave your classroom early?

[Clown1]: like every1 else my class is suuuuuper uptodate

[Clown1]: SO MANY CHEMICALS 😍😍😍 

[Clown1]: so of course I wanted to play with em

[BruceTheBat]: Of course you did

[Clownette]: Of course you did

[Clownette]: Bats, jinx! Ya owe me vending machine candy

[BruceTheBat]: Fine.

[Dormouse]: It's only been a week, how are you already this worn down?

[BruceTheBat]: You are all very very annoying.

[Haigha]: Well, at least that was honest.

[Clown1]: anyways cant play with chems while kiddies r around

[Clown1]: I can nvr remember what can kill normies or not

[Clown1]: so I sent the kids home

[Clown1]: wasnt that so responsible of me

[BruceTheBat]: No

[Clown1]: fine ill just gamble with there lives next time

[BruceTheBat]: NO

[Clown1]: I dont know what u want from me Darling.

[BruceTheBat]: To be normal and sane for once in your damn life

[Clown1]: fine if thats what u want I guess ill be the normal 1 n actually complain n ask 4 something 4 my class

[BruceTheBat]: What do you want, Joker?

[Clownette]: And the audible sigh count goes up!

[Clown1]: I need nose plugs

[BruceTheBat]: Nose plugs

[Clown1]: yeah

[BruceTheBat]: Joker, if there's something toxic enough that YOU'RE scared of breathing it in, I want it removed from the premises immediately

[Clown1]: its not that

[Clown1]: I just kept getting flashbacks from the smell of so many chemicals at omce

[BruceTheBat]: Flashbacks??

[Clown1]: yeh turns out death by drowning in toxic acid does a real number on ya

[Clown1]: who knew

[BruceTheBat]: That's... I don't even know what to say to that

[Clown1]: normal and sane dont really work for me Darling

[BruceTheBat]: Yeah...

[Clown1]: but I guess I can work on safe, maybe

[Clown1]: for the kiddos sake

[Clown1]: PROVIDED I GET SOME NOSE PLUGS

[BruceTheBat]: That shouldn't be too difficult. I'll also get an inventory of the chem classroom's stock and make you a guide on what's safe or not.

[Clown1]: oh

[Clown1]: uh thanks

[BruceTheBat]: Yeah, well...

[BruceTheBat]: It's for the kids, right?

[Clown1]: right

[Clown1]: yeah

[Clown1]: cant let the kiddies down

[Dormouse]: Can we go back to talking about the funding now? Because seriously, this shit's insane.

Chapter 4: In Which Detention Is Not Given, Names Are Reassigned, And An Old Friend Returns

[Ivy]: Nygma your child is a nightmare

[Dormouse]: Excuse me?

[Ivy]: She glitterbombed my class

[Dormouse]: Oh, that.

[Dormouse]: Yeah I may have told her what you did to my riddle books

[Dormouse]: She wasn't pleased

[Ready For My Close Up]: What did Pammy do to your books?

[Dormouse]: You know how I went silent on the group chat for three days?

[Dormouse]: Ivy was holding my riddle books hostage to, quote, "shut me up"

[Dormouse]: Which reminds me...

[Dormouse] changed 1 nickname

[ThatGreenBitch]: Oh no

[ThatGreenBitch]: Actually, I kinda love this

[ThatGreenBitch]: Thanks, Nygma

[Dormouse]: YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU'RE DOING, YOU BITCH

[ThatGreenBitch]: Yep 😈 

[Nora's Husband]: I don't wish to say this, but Stephanie does indeed have behavioral issues.

[Dormouse]: What? How did she piss YOU off, Victor?

[Nora's Husband]: She began singing Christmas carols in the middle of class.

[Nora's Husband]: Her response to me telling her she was being disruptive was to sing louder.

[Nora's Husband]: I didn't give her detention and now the other students are accusing me of favoritism.

[Ready For My Close Up]: Why didn't you give her detention?

[Clownette]: Cause she's his favorite duh

[Nora's Husband]: This is true.

[Dormouse]: Aw, really?

[Nora's Husband]: I believe Nora would be fond of her.

[Clownette]: Wow!

[Clownette]: Eddie, that's the highest compliment Freezie can give someone.

[Dormouse]: I'm aware

[Dormouse]: Alright Victor, I'll talk to her.

[Dormouse]: But know that I will only be talking to her about POINTLESS disruptions. I will not stifle her by forcing her to obey the ridiculous laws of highschool, even if myself and my friends are her teachers.

[Clown1]: DID EDDIE JUST EDMIT TGAT SPOOKY N HATTY ARENT HIS ONLY FRIENDS IN THIS GROUP

[Ready For My Close Up]: By golly, I think he did.

[Dormouse]: Shut up, you assholes

[Hatta]: Now now, Dormouse dear, I fail to see a need for foul language here

[Dormouse]: Come on, Jervis! You never get mad when Jon curses

[Haigha]: That's because I'm his fucking favorite :)

[Hatta]: That is true

[Dormouse]: And his favorite fuck

[Haigha]: EDWARD!

[Hatta]: Also true

[Haigha]: JERVIS!

[Clownette]: Is it possible to hear a blush? Cause I can hear you blushing from here, Professor

[Haigha]: With all due respect child, SHUT THE FUCK UP

[Clown1]: ya wanna rephrase that spooky

[ThatGreenBitch]: Watch how you talk to my girlfriend, straw face

[Dormouse]: What is with you and 'face'??

[Ready For My Close Up]: Hey, Pammy and the clown are actually on the same side for once!

[See Ya Later Waylon]: wll thats terrifyin

[Clown1]: were always on the same side when it comes to harl

[ThatGreenBitch]: Yeah and that side's called 'respect her or else' 🔪 

[Clown1]: oooh r we progressing to actual threats now

[ThatGreenBitch]: Yes

[Clown1]: yay!

[Clown1]: 🔪 

[Haigha]: Fine, alright! I'm sorry!

[Clownette]: It's okay professor, I know you didn't really mean anything mean by it :) :) :)

[Haigha]: Why don't you tell that to your bodyguards?

[ThatGreenBitch]: Excuse you, I am no-one's bodyguard

[ThatGreenBitch]: I am simply a queen protecting her princess

[ThatGreenBitch]: I'll accept Joker as her bodyguard, though. I suppose.

[Clown1]: told ya wed start to bond eventually!!!

[ThatGreenBitch]: Go fuck yourself

[Two For One Special]: Why aren't you both queens?

[ThatGreenBitch]: I love Harley, but there's only room for one queen in the plant kingdom of Gotham

[Dormouse]: Oh! That gives me an idea!

[Dormouse] changed 3 nicknames

[Dormouse]: Joker, Ivy, Quinn! Check it out!

[Gotham's Plant Queen]: What did you do, Nygma?

[Gotham's Plant Queen]: Wait I actually like this

[Plant Princess Harley]: WHAT DID YOU GIVE ME? WHAT DID YOU GIVE ME?

[Plant Princess Harley]: I LOVE IT 😍😍😍 

[Princess Harley's Bodyguard]: aw but I liked my name

[Princess Harley's Bodyguard]: ok I like the joke but I wanna different name

[Princess Harley's Bodyguard]: dont know how to handle that if im being honest

[Dormouse]: Okay, how's this?

[Dormouse] changed 1 nickname

[Royal Fool]: lets see

[Royal Fool]: YES

[Dormouse]: As long as I'm already doing this, anyone else want a different name?

[See Ya Later Waylon]: can i just b croc

[Dormouse]: That's so simple, though

[See Ya Later Waylon]: pls i rlly like bing croc

[Dormouse]: Oh, alright. Fine.

[Dormouse] changed 1 nickname

[Croc]: thx

[Dormouse]: Anyone else?

[Ready For My Close Up]: Can I be Lord Of Theater?

[Dormouse]: Absolutely not.

[Ready For My Close Up]: Aw :(

[Plant Princess Harley]: GUYS I JUST SPOTTED MANNY

[Dormouse]: Really? Where?

[Plant Princess Harley]: He's in the belltower!

[Royal Fool]: oh yay imma go say hi :D

[Two For One Special]: Why the fuck does this school have a belltower?

[Dormouse]: This is Gotham, every other fucking building has a belltower

[Hatta]: Did we not just talk about this? A cleaner tongue would not be remiss.

[Dormouse]: SERIOUSLY? THEY CURSED TOO!

[Hatta]: Yes, but while they are indeed my friends, they're not permanent guests of my tea party.

[Hatta]: Unlike the others, my dearest Dormouse, you are in some ways my responsibility.

[Haigha]: Translation — you're his best friend in the fucking world and therefore he has license to mess with you however the Hell he wants.

[Dormouse]: Okay, now you're rubbing it in that he lets you curse.

[Haigha]: Of course I fucking am.

[Royal Fool]: guys defcon 1 Manny thought we were missing this whole timd

[Royal Fool]: hes really upset

[Ready For My Close Up]: Damn it, did no one tell him?

[Hatta]: I had to inform my brother about my new role, I doubt many were told we now run the school.

[Royal Fool]: GUYS HES CRYIKG IM NOT GOOD WITH EMOTIONS HELP

[Gotham's Plant Queen]: Harley's making me come, we'll be there in a few minutes

[Two For One Special]: Harvey's making me come, we'll meet up with you

[Two For One Special]: Oh please you want to see him too and you know it.

[Croc]: tell manny i ll be there in a sec

[Ready For My Close Up]: Can the belltower even fit all of us?

[Plant Princess Harley]: Guess we're finding out soon!

[Nora's Husband]: My classroom has blankets so the students don't freeze. There's extra. Someone ask Manbat if he plans to make a nest and if he wants the blankets to start with.

[BruceTheBat]: I was gone for five minutes, why are all the names different??

[BruceTheBat]: And when did my villains become so soft?

[Royal Fool]: AW YA CALLED US YOURS 😍😍😍

[Dormouse]: In my defense I was left unsupervised with the nickname settings.

Chapter 5: In Which Edward Adds More Members To The Group Chat

[Plant Princess Harley]: Guys guys Halloween is coming up!! 🎃🎃🎃

[Plant Princess Harley]: So Bats, do we get to show up to work in costumes or what?

[BruceTheBat]: So long as they aren't your villain costumes, sure. I don't see any problems with it.

[Dormouse]: FIRST PERSON TO MAKE BATMAN REGRET THAT STATEMENT WITH THEIR COSTUME IDEA WINS

[Royal Fool]: I wanna dress up as a sharknado

[Haigha]: I'm going as a living Jack-o'-lantern

[Hatta]: I suppose since my usual costume has been banned, I'll just have to go as a farmhand!

[Gotham's Plant Queen]: Finally I'll get to dress as the queen I am.

[Plant Princess Harley]: I guess I'm going as a princess, then :D

[BruceTheBat]: How exactly are you guys planning to get these costumes? Our party fund is not that large.

[Dormouse]: Oh, we have our ways, Bats.

[Dormouse] added 1 member to group chat

[BruceTheBat]: Nygma what did you just do

[Mr. Cobblepot]: What the fresh Hell is this?

[Dormouse] changed 1 nickname

[Dormouse]: Ozzie, we need you to fund some things for us.

[Emperor Penguin]: Edward? Is that you? I thought you were stuck teaching?

[Emperor Penguin]: Oh I quite like that name

[Dormouse]: I AM stuck teaching. But Halloween is coming up and Batsy won't let us wear our villain costumes for it.

[Dormouse]: And since we've been forced into free labor, none of us can afford proper costumes.

[Plant Princess Harley]: Be a pal Pengy and help us have a little cheer in this dire situation.

[BruceTheBat]: Don't you guys think you're being a LITTLE dramatic?

[Dormouse]: No

[Plant Princess Harley]: No-pe :)

[Haigha]: You've made me believe in Hell again

[Hatta]: It's not that bad, actually, but it's no Wonderland.

[Nora's Husband]: Without Nora, all places are Hell. But this place particularly so.

[Royal Fool]: I'm happy so long as im near my Darling 🦇🖤❤️💜🤡 

[Two For One Special]: What in the long time we've known each other made you think we'd be happy as a teacher, Bruce?

[Croc]: rlly not that bad

[Ready For My Close Up]: Yeah I'm having the time of my lives here!

[Gotham's Plant Queen]: These little snot-nosed brats have absolutely no concern for the environment and I hate them all.

[Gotham's Plant Queen]: EXCLUDING STEPHANIE, KITRINA, AND DUELA OF COURSE

[Two For One Special]: You better as fuck be excluding them.

[Emperor Penguin]: I will not tolerate insults to my bloodline.

[Dormouse]: Uh yeah, no-one can hate Steph.

[Emperor Penguin]: As much fun as it has been seeing how my dear compatriots are getting along in their new roles, I'm afraid I simply cannot assist you.

[Dormouse]: What? Why not?

[Emperor Penguin]: It wouldn't look good for a honest businessman such as myself to go about donating costumes to villains. My apologies, Edward.

[BruceTheBat]: Oh please

[Plant Princess Harley]: Hey, now I can hear an eyeroll!

[Plant Princess Harley]: At this rate, I should probably get my ears checked

[Dormouse]: You have my apologies too, Ozzie

[Dormouse]: Know that you have forced my hand. I didn't want it to come to this.

[Emperor Penguin]: Edward whatever you're planning don't you DARE

[Dormouse] added 1 member to group chat

[BruceTheBat]: STOP ADDING PEOPLE

[Ms. Kyle]: Hello, what's this?

[Dormouse]: Selina, hey! Kisses!

[Ms. Kyle]: Eddie! Kisses!

[Ms. Kyle]: What's up, dear? How's teaching going?

[Dormouse]: Well enough, I suppose. No-one's been maimed yet, at least. And I must say, Kitrina is just a darling student, she's really made this easier.

[Ms. Kyle]: What do you want, Edward?

[Dormouse]: What, can't I just be friendly?

[Ms. Kyle]: Eddie...

[Dormouse]: We can't buy costumes for Halloween. I was hoping you and Oswald might be willing to help us out?

[Ms. Kyle]: Well, of course we are! What are friends for?

[Emperor Penguin]: Edward you traitor

[Ms. Kyle]: Hi honey! <3

[Emperor Penguin]: Hello luv <3

[Ms. Kyle]: Are we all getting nicknames? Why can't I set one for myself?

[Plant Princess Harley]: Only Bats and Eddie can change things in the chat.

[Ms. Kyle]: Harley, I LOVE the nickname. Is everyone here?

[Ms. Kyle]: Brucey, why haven't you said hi yet?

[BruceTheBat]: Hey, Selina.

[Gotham's Plant Queen]: Hey Cat.

[Ms. Kyle]: Oh my Gotham these keep getting better. Someone give me a nickname already! Ms Kyle is so BORING

[Dormouse]: Well, never let it be said that I let people go about being bored.

[Dormouse] changed 1 nickname

[BadassKitty]: Ooh, what'd you give me?

[BadassKitty]: Seriously, Edward? You can do better than THAT

[BruceTheBat] changed 1 nickname

[Kitty Cat Burglar]: I'm almost scared to see what you picked

[Kitty Cat Burglar]: Oooh! 😻😻😻

[Dormouse]: How is that better than mine??!

[Haigha]: Even Fries knows it's better

[Nora's Husband]: Actually I barely see a difference between them.

[Haigha]: Good to know. Guess I overestimated how much your apathy's lessened recently.

[Haigha]: Well, then even Jones knows it's better

[Croc]: thas tru i do

[Dormouse]: Fuck all of you

[Hatta]: Language language, Dormouse. I won't have such words within this house.

[Dormouse]: SHUT UP, JERVIS! I CAN SAY WHATEVER THE FUCK I WANT STOP POLICING ME

[Ready For My Close Up]: Um what just happened?

[Hatta]: I'm sorry, Edward. I didn't know my little joke was truly getting on your nerves. I'll stop.

[Dormouse]: Dammit.

[Dormouse]: I'm sorry, Jervis. Your joke is fine.

[Dormouse]: Ugh. Batman's nickname WAS better.

[Gotham's Plant Queen]: Wait, was that seriously what you just freaked out over, Nygma? The fact everyone thinks Kitty Cat Burglar is better than BadassKitty?

[Gotham's Plant Queen]: How sensitive are you??

[Dormouse]: I know, okay? I know.

[Dormouse]: I'm working on it.

[Emperor Penguin]: At least he apologized. When I first met him, Ms. Vance and Ms. Damfino were the only ones who could get a real apology from Edward without threatening him.

[BruceTheBat]: You've all come a long way, actually. Even Crane's opened up.

[Haigha]: YOU TAKE THAT BACK. I AM AS CLOSED OFF AND CRUEL AS EVER.

[Haigha]: I AM THE LORD OF DESPAIR, THE KING OF SCREAMS, THE GOD OF FEAR

[BruceTheBat]: Hey Tetch, how do you feel about Crane?

[Hatta]: He is my darling March Hare, the best thing to ever happen to me.

[Hatta]: I love him more than anything, and I will stay with him eternally. 🥰 🥰 🥰

[BruceTheBat]: No response, Crane?

[Haigha]: Shut up, Wayne.

[Hatta]: It's okay Mr. Batman, he doesn't have to say a thing. I already know how he feels, and it makes my heart sing! ❤️ 

[Plant Princess Harley]: Awwww 😍 

[Royal Fool]: come on spooky ya aren't really just ignoring that r u?

[Haigha]: I hate all of you with the single exception of Jervis.

[Haigha]: Whom I love too, you ridiculous buffoon of a hatter.

[Nora's Husband]: How sweet.

[Ready For My Close Up]: I was gonna mock you, but if you got Vic's seal of approval then I guess I can't.

[Royal Fool]: Aw fuck I was looking forward to mocking em

[BruceTheBat]: Wait I just realized you all respect Fries.

[BruceTheBat]: Like, ALL of you do.

[BruceTheBat]: You guys don't respect ANYONE. Wtf?

[Kitty Cat Burglar]: There's a simple reason for that, Brucey.

[Kitty Cat Burglar]: Most of us would be dead right about now if Victor hadn't hit us over the head and said "no you may not tie yourself to a rocket engine" or "no riding a dinosaur is not worth the risk of dipping a T-Rex skeleton in a Lazurus Pit" or whatever

[BruceTheBat]: Please tell me you're joking

[Nora's Husband]: They are not.

[Nora's Husband]: My children are idiots, but at least Nora will love them.

[Emperor Penguin]: You know, this is pretty much exactly how I feel about Edward, actually.

[Emperor Penguin]: Like, he's a reckless fool who's given me far too many grey hairs, but at least the women in my life adore him.

[Dormouse]: I'd be offended if this wasn't so true.

[BruceTheBat]: I'm sorry, are we ignoring the part where Fries claimed you were his children?

[Haigha]: I gave up that fight after he had to talk me down from training crows to carry me on a platform so I could drop down on people like a spider.

[Haigha]: We are all children and he's the only adult who cares enough to keep us from eating the mud we found on our shoes.

[Gotham's Plant Queen]: Except for me. Unfortunately, I'm as responsible for keeping these idiots alive as he is.

[Dormouse]: She's like the mean aunt that sometimes hugs you but mostly just mocks your life choices until you cave and change your ways.

[BruceTheBat]: What the fuck kind of cult are you guys in?

[Ready For My Close Up]: Awww, he thinks he's not a part of it. How cute.

Chapter 6: In Which Jervis Is A Little Bit Terrifying

[BruceTheBat]: Whoever keeps putting mild poisons in the coffee in the teachers lounge, please stop.

[Two For One Special]: Why are you acting like you don't already know which one of us has regular access to chemicals?

[Royal Fool]: hey I'm innocent!!! 😇 

[Ready For My Close Up]: Since when are you EVER innocent?

[BruceTheBat]: I know it wasn't Joker because there's no joke connected to the poisoning. No-one's even laughing uncontrollably.

[Royal Fool]: See I'm a innocent sweetheart whose never done 1 thing wrong in his lives

[BruceTheBat]: No

[Royal Fool]: well im at least innocent THIS time

[BruceTheBat]: If anyone knows who's doing it, I suggest you come forward immediately.

[Plant Princess Harley]: Ha! Like any of us would ever snitch on each other Batsy!

[BruceTheBat]: If it isn't solved soon the school will be forced to stop purchasing coffee

[Haigha]: JERVIS IT WAS JERVIS

[Dormouse]: Jervis did it!

[Hatta]: YOU TELL MY SECRETS TO THE COWL, YOU TWO BETRAYERS FOUL

[Haigha]: I love you Jervis, but I love coffee more

[Dormouse]: Sorry bud.

[BruceTheBat]: Tetch, why did you poison the coffee?

[Hatta]: Perhaps it was a tad drastic of me

[Hatta]: But I tend to get grouchy when I go without tea

[Dormouse]: Understatement of the century

[Haigha]: Edward, why do you insist on testing boundaries when we're already on someone's hit list?

[Dormouse]: Amusement? Spite? You're the psychologist, you figure it out.

[BruceTheBat]: There are easier ways to request tea for the teachers lounge, Tetch

[Hatta]: Admittedly, I've been a tad unreasonable as of late.

[Hatta]: Nevertheless, for your answer regarding tea I now wait.

[BruceTheBat]: Well I can't get it for you NOW. That would be rewarding bad behavior.

[Hatta]: The poisonings will continue until tea is procured.

[Ready For My Close Up]: He stopped rhyming. What does it mean when he stops rhyming???

[Haigha]: It means shit's fucked.

[BruceTheBat]: If the poisonings continue, you lose coffee AND you will be all the less likely to ever gain tea.

[Hatta]: Fine. If I can't have my chosen warm morning drink then NO ONE CAN

[Dormouse]: Correction — shit's REALLY fucked.

[Plant Princess Harley]: hatty pls think of the rest of us!

[Hatta]: The rest of you aren't helping me gain tea.

[Plant Princess Harley]: HATTY!!

[Gotham's Plant Queen]: Don't worry Harls, I've got a plan

[Gotham's Plant Queen]: VICTOR GET YOUR ASS IN THE CHAT @Nora's Husband

[Nora's Husband]: Why have I been summoned so dramatically?

[Plant Princess Harley]: Hey, ANOTHER sigh! THEY'RE MULTIPLYING!!!! 😱😱😱

[Croc]: reed chat vic

[Nora's Husband]: JERVIS NO, BAD!

[Hatta]: But I'm being deprived!

[Nora's Husband]: So you take it out on your friends?

[Nora's Husband]: What have we done to deserve harm?

[Hatta]: My poisons are harmless, they merely cause stomachaches at worst

[Nora's Husband]: You are causing your loved ones pain and distress because of your own annoyance.

[Nora's Husband]: You are well-aware of Crane's love for coffee, yet you would deprive him due to your own foul mood?

[Nora's Husband]: What a fine way to treat him you claim to love. I thought you were better than this, Tetch.

[Nora's Husband]: Did you learn NOTHING from your actions with Alice?

[Hatta]: ...oh dear.

[Hatta]: I apologize, Jonathan. I apologize EVERYONE.

[Hatta]: I forgot myself, I'm afraid. You, my dear friends, deserve better than such ghastly behavior.

[Plant Princess Harley]: Aw, it's alright hatty

[Plant Princess Harley]: What's a little poison between friends?

[Gotham's Plant Queen]: Yeah yeah whatever.

[Croc]: its ok

[Haigha]: You're forgiven.

[Dormouse]: I forgive you too, but mostly because I'm a little bit terrified of you right now.

[Haigha]: Now you're double forgiven. This is great.

[Dormouse]: Fuck you.

[Hatta]: Foul mouth, Dormouse.

[Dormouse]: Really??? You're doing this NOW??

[Ready For My Close Up]: I can't even drink coffee, so I don't care about any of this.

[Ready For My Close Up]: Makes great entertainment, though.

[Royal Fool]: some1 poisoned the coffee n it wasn't me this was hilarious XD XD XD

[Two For One Special]: We don't drink coffee either, but we'd like to add that tea would actually be appreciated by more than just the Hatter

[BruceTheBat]: Your reactions to one of you poisoning the others both greatly worries me and strangely reminds me of my children interacting with each other, which worries me for entirely new reasons

[Gotham's Plant Queen]: Thanks for handling this Vic.

[Nora's Husband]: Someone must

[Nora's Husband]: However, the drinks available to us are indeed abysmal. It is not that difficult to supply hot chocolate, considering you are not wasting any funds on salaries.

[Two For One Special]: Yeah, which reminds us

[Two For One Special]: We've been looking into it, and we're pretty sure the law would view our current situation as slavery. The fact that none of us volunteered nor are we allowed to quit is suspicious as fuck

[Hatta]: I've spoken to my brother Fugate, and with you he's in agreement.

[Hatta]: He says it's illegal, unjust, and plainly unfair — I do believe he's against our placement here.

[BruceTheBat]: This place isn't that bad, guys

[BruceTheBat]: It's better than Arkham, at any rate.

[Dormouse]: That doesn't change the fact that we're illegally being kept as slave labor and you won't even provide us paltry treats as consolation.

[BruceTheBat]: FINE. I'll get you some tea and hot chocolate.

[BruceTheBat]: I'll even splurge for some milks and creamers.

[BruceTheBat]: But if ANYONE tampers with ANY food or drink in ANY way you will ALL be restricted to only water and basic food until I'm satisfied it won't happen again. And I am not a trusting man.

[BruceTheBat]: Deal?

[Hatta]: If it means I can drink tea with my morning meal, then you dear Bat have got a deal!

[BruceTheBat]: I'm going to need to hear it from the usual suspects at the very least, if not all of you.

[Haigha]: If it secured my coffee, I'd show up to work in a monkey suit. I can refrain from interfering with the others' nutrition for a while.

[Gotham's Plant Queen]: Fine, but only because Harley basically needs coffee to live.

[Plant Princess Harley]: THANKS RED ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ 

[Royal Fool]: imma need more incentive than that

[Dormouse]: Did you miss the part where we're getting hot chocolate as well?

[Royal Fool]: DEAL DEAL DEAL DEAL DEAL!!!!!

[BruceTheBat]: What has my life become??

[Kitty Cat Burglar]: Sometimes I wish I'd gotten caught and ruled insane just so I could be a part of this nonsense.

[Emperor Penguin]: Consider though, luv, that instead of being a part of it, we get a front row seat to it.

[Kitty Cat Burglar]: Hmm... True.

Chapter 7: In Which Ivy Apologizes, Everyone Gangs Up On Jonathan, And Barbara Gordon Enters The Chat

[Plant Princess Harley]: Brucie? Bruce?

[Plant Princess Harley]: Bats?

[Plant Princess Harley]: Are you still giving us the silent treatment?

[BruceTheBat]: I'm not 'giving you the silent treatment', I'm not a child.

[BruceTheBat]: I'm just carefully crafting my admonishments of the faculty like a good coordinator.

[Gotham's Plant Queen]: Honestly, I think you're overreacting a little. It was just a dress.

[BruceTheBat]: Ivy, in what world did you think that outfit was in any way appropriate to wear around teenagers? It was 90% fishnet.

[BruceTheBat]: I've had to do drug searches on you that resulted in me seeing less skin.

[Gotham's Plant Queen]: THE NEED TO COVER OURSELVES AT ALL TIMES AS IF OUR SKIN WAS SOMETHING DIRTY AND WRONG IS AN INVENTION OF MEN TO OPPRESS US

[Gotham's Plant Queen]: I have every right to fight the patriarchy with my natural bodily form.

[BruceTheBat]: But not around KIDS!

[Gotham's Plant Queen]: ...okay, fine. You have a point there.

[Gotham's Plant Queen]: I might've made a bit of a misjudgment with that one.

[Gotham's Plant Queen]: My bad. Sorry.

[Haigha]: Isley? Apologizing? Great, now Corvin will insist on watching through the windows for flying pigs.

[BruceTheBat]: Don't you even start, Crane.

[BruceTheBat]: The school is officially hiring a therapist because of you.

[Haigha]: At their age, these children should be much more resilient to a bit of Halloween fun.

[Haigha]: Really, getting worked up over a few fake mummies and a basically-fake haunting. It's ridiculous!

[Dormouse]: I would change your name to something insulting, but Jervis likes it too much and I won't punish him for your misdeeds.

[Dormouse]: I'll just have to concoct a different manner of vengeance against you.

[Haigha]: Wait why are YOU mad at me, Steph's seen way worse before. She's fine.

[Dormouse]: That she is, but her FRIENDS aren't. Not her civilian ones, anyways.

[Dormouse]: She's been inconsolable about it. Apparently several of them won't stop having nightmares and one's developed claustrophobia because he spent all of Halloween hiding in a small cabinet because of you.

[Dormouse]: I'm going to get you for this, Jon.

[Haigha]: I... So the therapy thing isn't just the normies overreacting? Corvin and I really did scare those kids that badly with our little pranks?

[Dormouse]: YES!

[Dormouse]: You broke the rule, Jonathan. You have to pay for that.

[BruceTheBat]: The rule??

[Dormouse]: Repeat the rule, everybody.

[Gotham's Plant Queen]: You don't hurt kids.

[Croc]: evn if itmeans yu fayl

[Ready For My Close Up]: Even if it means you end up in Arkham

[Nora's Husband]: Even if it means you lose vital research

[Plant Princess Harley]: Even if it means you lose a bet!

[Royal Fool]: even if youre having a bad day and really need to hit SOMETHING and tgeyre the only things around

[Hatta]: Even if you think you're saving them from a Jabberwock or other monster, as their parents can and will protect them far better

[Two For One Special]: Even if you have to defy Fate or the Coin itself

[Emperor Penguin]: Even if it's for money.

[Kitty Cat Burglar]: Or other shiny things.

[Haigha]: And, besides the Robins, even if it's just pretend.

[Haigha]: Huh. I suppose I perhaps miscalculated a little bit.

[Haigha]: Fine, Edward, I will submit to your vengeance on behalf of our students. But if you dare use my own Toxin against me again, I'm tying you up and making you watch me shred every puzzle book you own.

[Dormouse]: Boundary accepted!

[Dormouse]: Other parents present, I'm making a new group chat for The Vengeance On Jonathan Planning Committee. Let us discuss strategy after we're done here, yes?

[Kitty Cat Burglar]: Sounds delightful, Eddikins

[Emperor Penguin]: I of course cannot agree to anything that may or may not be considered outside the purview of law, however justified

[Emperor Penguin]: But I will still attend your group, if only to make sure things don't get out of hand.

[Haigha]: I'm doomed, aren't I?

[Emperor Penguin]: Very much so, yes.

[Two For One Special]: Yeah so we really want a bit of revenge for Du's normie friends too, but we need to talk about something else first.

[Two For One Special]: Bruce, did you say we're getting a therapist???

[BruceTheBat]: Yes. The school doesn't have a counselor of any sort, and after what happened on Halloween, it's been decided that was a grave oversight.

[BruceTheBat]: So a member of Arkham staff is being transferred here.

[Ready For My Close Up]: Wait, we're getting an ARKHAM shrink???!

[Plant Princess Harley]: Ohhh! 🤩

[Plant Princess Harley]: Who who?! Is it anyone we know?

[Royal Fool]: cpurse we know em harls theyre from the ol homestead

[Royal Fool]: more importantly how much fo they hate us

[Croc]: ye ths is unfayr u cnt mayk usc wrk with our doctirs

[Dormouse]: One of the only good points about this place was getting AWAY from those simple-minded wannabe braincrackers.

[Haigha]: Harleen and I both used to work there, you know.

[Dormouse]: Apologies, Quinn. You are of course an exception.

[Plant Princess Harley]: Awww thanks Eddie 🥰 

[Haigha]: Really? No-one else?

[Dormouse]: Well, I suppose Doc Leland's not too bad either.

[Haigha]: Seriously?!

[Dormouse]: What do you expect? I'm still mad at you.

[Croc]: so hoo we getin

[Royal Fool]: yeah Darling who?

[BruceTheBat]: A Doctor Gretchen Whistler.

[Dormouse]: You're kidding, right?

[BruceTheBat]: I don't 'kid' about anything.

[BruceTheBat]: Why?

[Dormouse]: She's literally my assigned therapist. Croc's too.

[Croc]: didnt get along at 1st bu shes nic

[Dormouse]: Regardless, we cannot WORK with her!

[BruceTheBat]: Why not? It's not like you particularly care about conflicts of interest.

[Haigha]: He's just worried she's going to lecture him about how many riddles he secretly graffitied around the school.

[Dormouse]: I'M ALREADY MAD AT YOU AND UOU BETRAY ME??

[Hatta]: I love you both dearly, please don't get me wrong, but it appears the March Hare's been around you too long!

[BruceTheBat]: I'm sorry you did WHAT now?

[Dormouse]: And besides, what are we going to do about the group chat?

[Dormouse]: Your real identity's all over this thing, Bats.

[BruceTheBat]: Why would she be part of this group chat?

[Dormouse]: Because she's a member of faculty??

[BruceTheBat]: So's the school nurse, and she's not in here.

[Dormouse]: We have a nurse?

[Gotham's Plant Queen]: Of course we have a nurse. Do you even have the slightest idea of how highschool works??

[Dormouse]: Only when I want to, which I rarely do.

[Ready For My Close Up]: What???

[Haigha]: He hid most of his highschool memories away in that mind palace of his, he can only remember them if he actively takes them out.

[Two For One Special]: What the fuck kind of freak are you?

[Hatta]: Oh no.

[Dormouse]: I'm not a 'freak'. I'm just intelligent.

[Dormouse]: And you two of all people have no place to talk, half-face.

[Two For One Special]: Ed, Harv didn't mean anything by that.

[Two For One Special]: Yes I did.

[Two For One Special]: Ed?

[Two For One Special]: Ed come on, it was a joke. And 'half-face' definitely fucking makes up for it.

[Dormouse]: I apologize for that comment, actually. Because things like this are not a tit-for-tat. It was unfair of me.

[Two For One Special]: That's not forgiveness, is it?

[Haigha]: Not even close.

[BruceTheBat]: You know, now that I think about it, perhaps it would be better for the therapist to be a part of this chat.

[BruceTheBat]: The goal is you guys healing, after all, which an Arkham therapist would definitely be good for.

[Gotham's Plant Queen]: Ha!

[Royal Fool]: oh look batsy made a funny

[BruceTheBat]: And besides, she's here because of you guys and would be a good, impartial bridge between you and the kids.

[Nora's Husband]: I agree that would most likely be a good thing, but what of your identity?

[BruceTheBat]: I'll have Oracle fix up something to block any mention of my name from her screen.

[Ready For My Close Up]: She can do that???

[Dormouse]: At this point, I'd believe Oracle could do just about anything. We're only safe because she finds the world as-is too entertaining to conquer.

Oracle has added themself to group chat

[Oracle]: This is true.

Interlude: In Which We Get A Slight Change Of Perspective

//kids group chat

[TwoHaircolorsAreBetterThanOne]: Steph you need to get your dad to talk to my dads again

[TwoHaircolorsAreBetterThanOne]: They've been arguing nonstop about who's fault it is that he won't speak to them

[!PrettyInPurple!]: I've been trying, but he's really mad at them

[Kitrina Hawke]: I don't get why he's so upset.

[Kitrina Hawke]: Mother showed me screenshots, and it didn't seem that bad. No worse than all the other ways they joke around in that group, at least.

[!PrettyInPurple!]: I know it doesn't seem like that big a deal, but that kinda makes it worse because dad feels like he's being unreasonable and his ego doesn't like that.

[!PrettyInPurple!]: It's just that he's really sensitive about stuff like this and part of why he likes Twoface is that they never make fun of his weird mind tricks.

[!PrettyInPurple!]: But now they have, and they weren't even entirely joking, so that's... not great.

[Kitrina Hawke]: I can get that. Sucks, though.

[!PrettyInPurple!]: Yeah...

[*Zooms Camera Lense*]: guys I just thought up the best prank ever

[TwoHaircolorsAreBetterThanOne]: EVERYONE RUN FOR THE HILLS

[*Zooms Camera Lense*]: no no it's actually a good one this time I swear

[Kitrina Hawke]: Give it to us, Timmy-bird

[*Zooms Camera Lense*]: pls stop calling me that

[Kitrina Hawke]: Request denied. Next?

[*Zooms Camera Lense*]: what if we convince the school to host a talent show and the rogues and B have to supervise it

[*Zooms Camera Lense*]: best part is that we'll make it volunteer only to give them a bit of hope and then we'll guilt/convince our guardians into doing it and they'll make their friends do it so they aren't the only ones suffering and then they'll all have to supervise a talent show

[TwoHaircolorsAreBetterThanOne]: Damn now I see why you said this over chat, like did you even stop for breath-I-mean-finger-cramps?

[Kitrina Hawke]: wait, Timmy-bird how will you convince YOUR dad? You don't go to this school?

[*Zooms Camera Lense*]: pls don't call Bruce my dad our relationship is complicated and I have an actual father

[*Zooms Camera Lense*]: had one anyways

[*Zooms Camera Lense*]: sorta

[*Zooms Camera Lense*]: just don't is what I'm saying

[Kitrina Hawke]: Okay, noted

[Kitrina Hawke]: How will you convince your GUARDIAN, then?

[*Zooms Camera Lense*]: I have my ways

[!PrettyInPurple!]: I have one better for you, Drake

[TwoHaircolorsAreBetterThanOne]: Now I'm double scared

[*Zooms Camera Lense*]: Lay it on me, Greene

[!PrettyInPurple!]: We convince the school to have a talent show in which teachers can PARTICIPATE, and guilt/convince/force our guardians to volunteer.

[*Zooms Camera Lense*]: OH MY GOTHAM YESSS

[TwoHaircolorsAreBetterThanOne]: Okay you know what I'm actually all for that idea

[TwoHaircolorsAreBetterThanOne]: Let's do this bitches

[*Zooms Camera Lense*]: *cough cough*

[TwoHaircolorsAreBetterThanOne]: Let's do this bitches-and-bastard

[*Zooms Camera Lense*]: *tips hat* thank you

[Kitrina Hawke]: It shall be a glorious, glorious trainwreck

[!PrettyInPurple!]: [5 separate train-related GIFS and memes]

[Kitrina Hawke]: But how in the world are we possibly going to get the school to go along with tjys???

[Kitrina Hawke]: *rhis

[Kitrina Hawke]: *rhis

[Kitrina Hawke]: *THIS

[!PrettyInPurple!]: Oh don't worry. Tim has his wats.

[!PrettyInPurple!]: *ways

[TwoHaircolorsAreBetterThanOne]: XD

[*Zooms Camera Lense*]: that I do spoils that I do

[*Zooms Camera Lense*]: >:)

[TwoHaircolorsAreBetterThanOne]: Now I'm TRIPLY scared and that's so against theme, so now I'm mad at you

[Kitrina Hawke]: We could always make you quadruple scared so you're double double scared

[!PrettyInPurple!]: Yeah that's like double scared TIMES TWO, how's that for theme?

[TwoHaircolorsAreBetterThanOne]: Okay now I'm scared about what you're going to do to scare me

[!PrettyInPurple!]: Mission success, then!

[!PrettyInPurple!]: [GIF of a cat in a party hat dancing]

[!PrettyInPurple!]: Digital high five? 🖐️

[Kitrina Hawke]: 🖐️

[*Zooms Camera Lense*]: 🖐️

[TwoHaircolorsAreBetterThanOne]: Why did you high-five, Tim? You didn't do anything.

[*Zooms Camera Lense*]: yeah but I felt left out

[!PrettyInPurple!]: What else is new?

[*Zooms Camera Lense*]: 😲

[!PrettyInPurple!]: 😉 

Chapter 8: In Which We Learn More About Riddler And Penguin's Unusual Friendship

[BruceTheBat]: RIDDLER YOU TOLD YOUR THERAPIST MY NAME?!

[Dormouse]: Oh shit you codenamed me. I'm speaking to the Bat now, aren't I?

[BruceTheBat]: Yes. Now get talking.

[Dormouse]: She tricked me!

[BruceTheBat]: How?

[Dormouse]: I will have you know that outsmarting me isn't easy and I hardly expected an ARKHAM THERAPIST to manage it.

[BruceTheBat]: Riddler. Explain NOW.

[Dormouse]: She solved the riddle I gave her about it.

[BruceTheBat]: You.

[BruceTheBat]: What.

[Dormouse]: In my defense I no longer give random people riddles about it!

[BruceTheBat]: You're lucky you're technically now my responsibility, Nygma.

[Dormouse]: Ah, yes! School policy! The coordinator can't punch a teacher's teeth in! I'm sure that's in there somewhere, it's weirdly long and detailed.

[Dormouse]: So you can't hurt me.

[BruceTheBat]: Not unless I quit.

[Dormouse]: Someone help me.

[Royal Fool]: what other secrets ya been telling this lady, eddie-boy

[Plant Princess Harley]: Yeah, is this why you didn't want her coming?

[Dormouse]: Not much. Just a few things here and there, reallajreahjysfn

[Dormouse]: Dammit, I didn't mean to press send.

[Dormouse]: Can everyone maybe just forget they saw that??

[Ready For My Close Up]: What the fuck even WAS that??

[Haigha]: That was his no-lying compulsion acting up. He has a bit more leeway through text, but not much.

[Haigha]: He's told her everything about us, I'd say. Haven't you, Edward?

[Dormouse]: I don't suppose a sorry would fix things, would it?

[Haigha]: I hope the spasm leaves your hand aching for the rest of the day.

[Croc]: evn I ddnt tell her nuthin

[Gotham's Plant Queen]: Wtf, Nygma?

[Two For One Special]: Everyone leave Edward the fuck alone. We all've said some things to those damn headshrinkers that we regret.

[Two For One Special]: And we all know Edward wouldn't have betrayed any of us on purpose without something big in it for him. She really must have tricked him somehow, because what could he possibly get out of this?

[Royal Fool]: plentya things!

[Two For One Special]: Like what?

[Two For One Special]: Well?

[Royal Fool]: give me a second im thinking

[Emperor Penguin]: Those secrets better not include mine, my dear boy.

[Dormouse]: OF COURSE NOT OZZIE I WOULD NEVER

[Hatta]: Why are his secrets safe and kept close to heart, while ours are left to be torn wide apart?

[Dormouse]: Because I've been conditioned from my mid teens onward to guard Oswald's secrets with my life and sanity.

[BruceTheBat]: What the actual fuck are you talking about?

[Dormouse]: My aunts were very loyal employees of the Iceberg Lounge and knew I was too clever not to figure anything out about it. So they took any spare moment they could to instill that same loyalty in me, as a safety precaution.

[Royal Fool]: ive told you before eddie you should really leave the jokes to me

[Dormouse]: I'm not joking.

[Dormouse]: My friendship with Oswald may have involved a little bit of mild childhood brainwashing, but it's one I cherish nonetheless.

[Plant Princess Harley]: So... We're all too freaked out to stay mad at him now, yeah?

[Gotham's Plant Queen]: Ooooh, yeah

[Ready For My Close Up]: Definitely

[Croc]: wsnt rlly tht mad at him to began with but sur

[Haigha]: I might be a little mad at Cobblepot now, actually

[Nora's Husband]: Yes, I am as well. Oswald, care to explain yourself?

[Emperor Penguin]: I never ASKED the girls to do it, to be fair.

[Emperor Penguin]: But Edward is a brilliant and valued member of my organization, and I will not regret his loyalty no matter how it came to be.

[Dormouse]: Aw, Ozzie! 😍

[Haigha]: Edward we've talked about this, you need to stop being so easily swayed by praise.

[Oracle]: What the actual fuck kind of cult are you guys in?

[BruceTheBat]: That's what I said!

[BruceTheBat]: Of course, I wasn't entirely serious that time. But I am now...

[Dormouse]: Relax, I'm fine.

[Dormouse]: I've undergone professional deprogramming before for unrelated reasons and my loyalty to Oz is completely genuine, if oddly-origined.

[Oracle]: Okay this is like five or ten different levels of concerning, but I'm too busy to focus on it right now.

[Oracle]: B, I can't do the modifications to the chat. You guys treat identities way too flippantly for that, it'd basically be pointless. Which is just like SERIOUSLY, hypocrite?

[Oracle]: Anyways, I CAN create a new chat and upload edited versions of this one's conversations to make it SEEM like the real chat while removing all the identity stuff about you.

[Plant Princess Harley]: Are you going to tell her or should I?

[BruceTheBat]: Give her a second

[Oracle]: Okay I just read the bit where she already knows your name so I guess all the work I've done setting up the false chat program is useless now.

[Oracle]: Fun.

[BruceTheBat]: It's not useless. It can be used as a backup plan.

[Oracle]: I literally hate this chat so much.

[Haigha]: Welcome to the club, Miss Delphi.

[Oracle]: Miss Delphi?

[Plant Princess Harley]: It's what we call you since even Eddie can't figure out your real name, sugar.

[Oracle]: Oh that's cool. I actually kind of like that.

[Oracle]: it's better than what you guys call the Robins, anyways.

[Dormouse]: Nothing but the best for the one person whose hacking skills I'm comfortable admitting actually terrify me.

[Oracle]: Aw, thanks 😊

[Dormouse]: For instance, I wanted to change your nickname just now to Miss Delphi, but I can't access your name in the chat. In fact, the chat seems to mostly not register your existence at all.

[Dormouse]: So I guess you're sticking with your actual codename instead.

[Oracle]: Why change perfection? :)

//Later

[Dormouse]: Hey, Twosie? @TwoForOneSpecial, can we talk?

[Two For One Special]: So you've finally deemed us worthy of speaking to you again, huh?

[Dormouse]: I admit that I've been throwing a bit of a tantrum lately. But you hurt me.

[Two For One Special]: It was a JOKE, Edward.

[Dormouse]: I know. Please, allow me to explain my reaction.

[Two For One Special]: Go on.

[Dormouse]: You two have always valued my intelligence, and I took your comment so badly because I viewed it as a sign that such value was false.

[Dormouse]: That you, like so many before you, were merely placating me with praise to make me tolerable and in actuality thought me a 'freak' for the things my brain is capable of, and thus were just using me for what I can do for you.

[Dormouse]: But then you defended me today, risking ostracization from our fellow Rogues. Despite knowing I most likely revealed things about the both of you, too. Despite having nothing to gain.

[Two For One Special]: Of course we defended you, Ed. What's the point of being the bruiser in the group if we can't throw our weight around for our friends?

[Two For One Special]: Metaphorically or otherwise.

[Dormouse]: So you do value me, that means, if you see me as someone worth defending. If you see me as a real friend. And even if you look down on my intelligence...

[Dormouse]: I have never cared so deeply about someone before that such disregard wouldn't be a dealbreaker. But it really isn't with the two of you.

[Dormouse]: I wish to remain your friend, if you will still accept me as such. I just ask that you refrain from making more comments regarding my mental capabilities where I can hear/read them, if you please.

[Dormouse]: So what do you two say? Friends again?

[Two For One Special]: Harvey here, I want you to know that I am trying so hard to stop Harv from calling you an idiot right now.

[Dormouse]: Excuse me? I pour my heart and soul out, accept your insult as a permissible price of our friendship, and then you IMMEDIATELY cross the one line I give???

[Two For One Special]: Edward, we were serious when we said it was just a JOKE. We were admittedly a little freaked out by the knowledge that you can apparently hide your memories from yourself, but that's actually pretty neat if we're being honest.

[Two For One Special]: We didn't mean anything deeper by it, and we most certainly don't look down on that big, beautiful mind of yours, Ed.

[Dormouse]: really?

[Two For One Special]: We've never once given you empty fucking praise or told you what you wanted to hear just to shut you the Hell up. We've meant it every time we've called you a genius or one of your plans brilliant, you absolute doofus.

[Two For One Special]: Or whenever I've called you a whiny, smartass little bitch. I meant the 'smart' part every bit as much as the 'ass' part, Eddie.

[Dormouse]: Oh.

[Dormouse]: Well.

[Dormouse]: I suppose our friendship can continue on unimpeded and without complications, then! :)

[Plant Princess Harley]: Oh, I doubt that last bit. ❤️❤️❤️

[Dormouse]: What???

[Plant Princess Harley]: Nothing ;)