Not RatedGenIn progress

Somehow We Became Teachers

Warnings
Creator chose not to add warnings
Fandom
Batman - All Media Types
Main relationship
Jonathan Crane/Jervis Tetch
Other relationships
Joker (DCU)/Bruce Wayne Pamela Isley/Harleen Quinzel Oswald Cobblepot/Selina Kyle Nora Fries/Victor Fries
Main characters
Jonathan Crane Jervis Tetch
Other characters
Bruce Wayne Joker (DCU) Edward Nygma Harleen Quinzel Pamela Isley Victor Fries Clayface (DCU) Harvey Dent Harv Dent Waylon Jones Manbat | Manny Oswald Cobblepot Selina Kyle Barbara Gordon Stephanie Brown Duela Dent Tim Drake (DCU)
Other tags
Texting Texting Fic High School Crack Humor Nicknames Edward Nygma is Called Edward Nashton and he is not okay with that Rhyming Jervis Tetch Edward Nygma is Stephanie Brown's Parent Insults Friendship Love Friendship/Love Trauma Hacking Mystery I'm hiding clues for a mystery but it probably won't work because the clues are based mostly on my h no-one is a murderer/rapist/cannibal/pedophile in this whoever in-universe thought up this program was insane but not THAT insane Arkham Rogues did you know that Clock King and Jervis were brothers in one comic? I will forever keep this fact as Kirk Langstrom and Manbat are Different People (Batman) Halloween Halloween Costumes Apologies I can't decide who Clayface is so maybe he's actually a few people that got combined and that's why and why even Batman calls him Clay in this Nora doesn't actually appear of course but everyone loves her
Language
English
Originally published
on AO3 · updated 16 Mar 2026
Stats
11.6k words8 chapters + 1 interlude 90 sparks0 comments0 bookmarks24 readsUpdated 16 Mar 2026
Summary

Ten of Arkham's inmates are forced to become teachers as part of an experimental new therapy program. They live and work at a highschool, with proximity collars that won't let them leave the premises.

This is their group chat.

Notes

Group Chat Members List:
* Bruce Wayne/Batman
* Jack Napier/Joker
* Jonathan Crane/Scarecrow
* Jervis Tetch/Mad Hatter
* Edward Nygma/Riddler
* Harleen Quinzel/Harley Quinn
* Pamela Isley/Poison Ivy
* Victor Fries/Mr. Freeze
* Clayface
* Harvey & Harv Dent/Twoface
* Waylon Jones/Croc

Chapter 3: In Which Everyone Complains About Funding


I'm probably not posting a Halloween fic this year, but I am adding this chapter on October 31st, so close enough

Hope you're enjoying so far!

Happy spooky season everybody 🎃🎃🎃

[BruceTheBat]: How was everyone's first day of class?

 

[Dormouse] named group chat [I Guess We're Teachers Now]

 

[Dormouse]: Take a wild fucking guess.

 

[Hatta]: Actually, I don't believe it was all that bad.

[Hatta]: I think the Dormouse just enjoys being mad.

 

[Dormouse]: JONATHAN, QUICK, BEFORE HE REALIZES WHAT HE SAID

[Dormouse]: WROTE

[Dormouse]: WHATEVER

 

[Haigha]: Of course he enjoys being mad, Hatter 

[Haigha]: wE'rE aLl MAd heRe.

 

[Hatta]: Very funny, my dear bunny

 

[Haigha]: Oh shit I'm in trouble

 

[Dormouse]: You're in trouble!

[Dormouse]: You're in trouble!

[Dormouse]: You're in trouble!

 

[Hatta]: I cannot fathom whyever you might think that, when normally you're such a clever little rat

 

[Dormouse]: What, no, why am I in trouble??

 

[Ready For My Close Up]: Can someone explain what the fuck's happening here?

 

[Dormouse]: He got our nicknames wrong!!!!

 

[Haigha]: He only does that when he's mad

 

[Hatta]: Oh, but dear Hare

[Hatta]: i'M alWaYs MaD

 

[Dormouse]: Jonathan you genius!

 

[Haigha]: Shut up Edward.

 

[Clownette]: Are you telling Eddie to shut up or asking someone to shut him up?

 

[Haigha]: Yes

 

[Ivy]: ON IT

 

[Dormouse]: What?

[Dormouse]: Ivy?

[Dormouse]: Ivy!?

[Dormouse]: ...I'm scared.

 

[Haigha]: good.

 

[BruceTheBat]: GUYS. First day report, remember? At least pretend to take this seriously.

 

[Ivy]: Who're you calling guys, batface?

 

[Clownette]: YEAH GUYS WHAT GUYS I DON'T SEE NO GUYS HERE

 

[Ivy]: Dial ir back, Harls.

 

[Clownette]: NEVER

 

[Dormouse]: IVY!

[Dormouse]: I request mercy

 

[Ivy]: No

 

[Dormouse]: Please?

 

[Ivy]: No

 

[Dormouse]: Welp, I'm doomed.

 

[Haigha]: Or you could just beg for mercy like a normal fucking person

 

[Dormouse]: NEVER

 

[BruceTheBat]: Who wants to go first and tell the group about their first day?

 

[Clownette]: Aw, look, Batsy's still trying.

[Clownette]: Now I feel bad...

[Clownette]: Not bad enough to fix it, but still.

 

[Clown1]: oh, Ooooh, I wannabtalk about my day!

 

[BruceTheBat]: Anyone else?

 

[Clown1]: ME ✋✋✋ 

 

[BruceTheBat]: No one?

 

[Ready For My Close Up]: crickets

 

[BruceTheBat]: Clay! Thanks for volunteering! :)

 

[Clown1]: Awwww, but I wanted to go!!!1!

 

[Ready For My Close Up]: What? No, I was just trying to add sound effects!

 

[BruceTheBat]: Too bad, you volunteered

 

[Hatta]: We've officially corrupted the bat.

[Hatta]: Who knew it'd be as easy as that?

 

[Ready For My Close Up]: CURSE MY LOVE FOR THEATER!!

[Ready For My Close Up]: Anyways, though, this was actually a lot of fun

[Ready For My Close Up]: A captive audience, some props, a stage — what more could a guy possibly ask for?

[Ready For My Close Up]: On that note, I need to talk to you about some budgetary concerns

 

[Dormouse]: I actually need to as well, but for the opposite reason

[Dormouse]: My department is getting WAY too much funding

[Dormouse]: The computers are top-of-the-line and we have SO MUCH SPACE to work in, it's insane

[Dormouse]: We have extra computers just to learn how to dismantle them, and they're STILL better quality than I was expecting the actual computers to be

 

[Ready For My Close Up]: Wait, seriously? That's what I was going to say!

[Ready For My Close Up]: The drama department is way too big, the props are like REALLY nice, and we have just about every color of paint known to man

[Ready For My Close Up]: And some that I'm pretty sure weren't know to man before they showed up in the classroom

 

[Haigha]: I wasn't going to say anything, but all of my textbooks are up to date. All of them. And there's enough to just hand out to students.

[Haigha]: As the only one of us with actual teaching experience, I will take it up on myself to inform you all that such things are NOT normal

[Haigha]: Not in this city, anyways.

 

[Two For One Special]: Our textbooks are brand new too.

 

[Ivy]: Biology's up-to-date as well

 

[Hatta]: Pardon me, I'm not at my best, but oh my, oh me, oh dearest dear

[Hatta]: Literature's fine just like the rest, but it's mostly just Shakespeare!

 

[Clownette]: NO WAY

[Clownette]: We were just talking about something like that!

[Clownette]: Tell em, croc!

 

[See Ya Later Waylon]: gems nic

 

[Clownette]: Don't worry, Waylon, I'll tell them.

[Clownette]: Hey, pudding, you remember Lexi's gym?

 

[Clown1]: can't say that I do pumpkin

 

[Clownette]: You told me about it. You saw it when he was using that shock collar on you

 

[Clown1]: oh RIGHT

[Clown1]: good times

 

[BruceTheBat]: I'm sorry, shock collar?

 

[Clown1]: long srory dont worry bout it

 

[Clownette]: It's kinda like THAT

[Clownette]: Seriously, these kids are gonna be RIPPED when we're done with em

[Clownette]: We've got a full-blown training course in here

 

[Nora's Husband]: I have noticed that general sciences seems to have some rather nice equipment

[Nora's Husband]: I assumed things had simply improved over time

 

[Dormouse]: While most schools in Gotham HAVE improved, just like everything else in this damn city since Wayne came back, nowhere else comes CLOSE to this

 

[Ivy]: How do you know that??

 

[Dormouse]: Google.

 

[Clownette]: HE ADMITS IT

[Clownette]: Finally, after all these years! :D

 

[Dormouse]: Oh shut it, Quinn.

 

[Ivy]: Hey, that's my girlfriend you're talking to! >:(

 

[Dormouse]: Yeah, and..?

 

[Haigha]: Ed, I'd tread carefully if I were you. You're already on Poison Ivy's hit list.

 

[Dormouse]: AND WHOSE FAULT IS THAT, JONATHAN?

[Dormouse]: Fair point, though.

[Dormouse]: Hey, Ivy — mercy?

 

[Ivy]: No

 

[Dormouse]: Dammit

 

[BruceTheBat]: Okay I'm pretty sure Nygma gave me as Wayne a compliment rather than me as the Bat, and I actually really want to talk about that

[BruceTheBat]: But first — Joker, why am I being told that you made everyone leave your classroom early?

 

[Clown1]: like every1 else my class is suuuuuper uptodate

[Clown1]: SO MANY CHEMICALS 😍😍😍 

[Clown1]: so of course I wanted to play with em

 

[BruceTheBat]: Of course you did

 

[Clownette]: Of course you did

[Clownette]: Bats, jinx! Ya owe me vending machine candy

 

[BruceTheBat]: Fine.

 

[Dormouse]: It's only been a week, how are you already this worn down?

 

[BruceTheBat]: You are all very very annoying.

 

[Haigha]: Well, at least that was honest.

 

[Clown1]: anyways cant play with chems while kiddies r around

[Clown1]: I can nvr remember what can kill normies or not

[Clown1]: so I sent the kids home

[Clown1]: wasnt that so responsible of me

 

[BruceTheBat]: No

 

[Clown1]: fine ill just gamble with there lives next time

 

[BruceTheBat]: NO

 

[Clown1]: I dont know what u want from me Darling.

 

[BruceTheBat]: To be normal and sane for once in your damn life

 

[Clown1]: fine if thats what u want I guess ill be the normal 1 n actually complain n ask 4 something 4 my class

 

[BruceTheBat]: What do you want, Joker?

 

[Clownette]: And the audible sigh count goes up!

 

[Clown1]: I need nose plugs

 

[BruceTheBat]: Nose plugs

 

[Clown1]: yeah

 

[BruceTheBat]: Joker, if there's something toxic enough that YOU'RE scared of breathing it in, I want it removed from the premises immediately

 

[Clown1]: its not that

[Clown1]: I just kept getting flashbacks from the smell of so many chemicals at omce

 

[BruceTheBat]: Flashbacks??

 

[Clown1]: yeh turns out death by drowning in toxic acid does a real number on ya

[Clown1]: who knew

 

[BruceTheBat]: That's... I don't even know what to say to that

 

[Clown1]: normal and sane dont really work for me Darling

 

[BruceTheBat]: Yeah...

 

[Clown1]: but I guess I can work on safe, maybe

[Clown1]: for the kiddos sake

[Clown1]: PROVIDED I GET SOME NOSE PLUGS

 

[BruceTheBat]: That shouldn't be too difficult. I'll also get an inventory of the chem classroom's stock and make you a guide on what's safe or not.

 

[Clown1]: oh

[Clown1]: uh thanks

 

[BruceTheBat]: Yeah, well...

[BruceTheBat]: It's for the kids, right?

 

[Clown1]: right

[Clown1]: yeah

[Clown1]: cant let the kiddies down

 

[Dormouse]: Can we go back to talking about the funding now? Because seriously, this shit's insane.

90 carried over from the original posting

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Comments carried over from AO3 (16)

These were left on the original AO3 posting and are shown as they appeared there.

Gontonyak via AO3 on Chapter 1 · 2025-10-30

PLEASE write more!!! 🤍🤎♥️❤️💙💚💛💜🖤🧡🩷🩶🩵🫀❤️‍🔥

Arukir Author via AO3 2025-11-01

It has been done! 😁 😁 😁

Gontonyak via AO3 on Chapter 3 · 2025-10-31

Happy spooky season! 🎃🎃🎃

Arukir Author via AO3 2025-11-02

🎃🎃🎃

Gontonyak via AO3 on Chapter 5 · 2025-11-02

The frozen-hearted mad scientist is all their dad, and the undead-tree feminist is their aunt. This should tell you how crazy Gotham is 😂

Seriously, amazing fic 😍, can't wait for the next chapter!

Arukir Author via AO3 2025-12-02

Thank you, I'm so glad you enjoyed! 😁

personface via AO3 on Chapter 5 · 2025-11-08

This is a lot of fun! (I can't keep track of everyone and don't know a couple characters but that's on me and it's still soo good!!!)

Gontonyak via AO3 2025-11-10

1 Gothams Plant Queen - Poison Ivy
2 Bruce The Bat - Batman/Bruce Wayne
3 Dormouse - Riddler
4 Ready For My Close Up - ClayFace
5 Haigha - Scarecrow
6 Hatta - Mad Hatter
7 Emperor Penguin - Penguin
8 Nora's Husband - Mr Freeze
9 Kitty Cat Burglar - Catwoman
10 Plant Princess Harley - Harley Quinn
11 Royal Fool - Joker
12 Two For One Special - Two-Face
13 Croc - Killer Croc
14 Manny - Manbat ➖ Langstrom

Hope this helps!

Gontonyak via AO3 2025-11-10

Poison Ivy is a reborn feminist & plant activist, who has a poisonous kiss, that can hypnotize men.

Riddler is an obsessive genius, who dresses in green spandex, and does does crime and leaves clues. He also makes giant mazes, which he traps people in. He is obsessed with batman and showing his intelligence. He got cancer, cured it with the Lazarus Pits, and came back and became a villain. He has a ❓ shaped cane. His theme is question marks.

Batman is a rich man who saw his parents murdered when he was a kid. He left Gotham, trained for many years, and now fights crime in a bat suit (and keeps adopting kids/sidekicks).

ClayFace is... A giant pile of goo? He used to be an actor, and thinks his roles are who he actually is (schizophrenic). He can also shapeshift.

Scarecrow is an ex psychologist, who specialized in fear. He now dresses as a scarecrow and spreads his Feartoxin (a substance that makes you relive you worse fear, tho that varies depending on series), he also used to be a teacher, and it is a popular head canon that he taught Harley. He also hates Christians, and has religious trauma from his great-grandmother.

Mad Hatter is an ex neurologist, who went insane, thought he was the mad hatter, and that his coworker was Alice, hypnotized her, and speaks in rhymes (tho this writer usually tones down his worse parts, as well as other characters worse parts).

Penguin is a rich mobster? Pretty much the only non-insane rogue. He almost never gets caught, if he does he goes to an actual prison, not the asylum. The most successful out of all of them, if you ask me. He also runs the Iceberg Lounge, hotspot for crime in Gotham.

Mr Freeze is the saddest batman villain... He does crime to try and save his dying wife, who is currently in cryostasis. He is stuck in a survival suit? Kinda like a space suit, he is stuck in it, because he requires below freezing temperatures to survive (because of a lab accident). He uses technology to freeze things in his crimes. He is a cryogenics scientist. 🩵 His wife's name is Nora.

Catwoman is a cat burglar, who dresses as a cat. She flirts with batman a lot. She is very sassy. Her and Bruce (batman) were friends as kids. They both fall in love as Selina (her savilian identity) and Bruce, while fighting as Catwoman and Batman, not knowing each other's identities.

Harley Quinn was a psychologist at Arkham, with some mental issues of her own. She was assigned to joker, fell for him, helped him escape, and became a villain with him. She dresses as a clown (a Harlequin), and works with joker. She is basically the embodiment of cotton candy. She acts kinda like if you gave a child a bunch of candy and coffee, and then set them free in an amusement park. She is also good at acrobatics.

Joker is an insane clown. He was a low-level criminal, who worked for a criminal ring called the Red Hood, until they had him pretend to be their leader, batman fought him, and he fell in a vat of chemicals. He somehow survived, but lost his sanity. He is obsessed with batman (and in love with him). The accident bleached his skin, and turned his lips bright red and his hair green. He dresses a a clown (a joker) and poisons people with his joker venom (which in canon makes them laugh, and then kills them, tho in fannon people often soften that so that it just makes them laugh, or makes them go into a coma). He is Batman's greatest foe.

Two-Face was an amazing lawyer in Gotham. Trying to clean up the city. He was a friend of Bruce's. He also had split personality disorder. Through out high school and his adult life, he pushed down any violent or aggressive thoughts, which became Big Bad Harv. All of which he was able to hide and manage, until an accident happen, leaving half his body covered in scars, leaving him blaming the police and batman for this, and letting Harv out to play. Harv formed to protect young Harvey, but ended up becoming the scum he hated most. As they fight against each other, they use a special coin to decide who makes the decisions.

Killer Croc is... A deformed crocodile-man? Sorry, honestly don't know much about him.

Manny is Manbat ➖ Langstrom. He is kinda a character made by this author? (Tho taken from a real character?). Manny is very adorable, and basically a giant child. Everyone loves Manny. Cannon - Langstrom a scientist who studied bats. He experimented on himself, mixing bat DNA into his, turning himself into a kinda a giant bat. Bruce Wayne (batman) made a cure for him, turning him back into a human. Langstrom reinfected himself (on purpose), and turned himself back into Manbat. He was also mistaken as batman at first.

Hope this helps!

PS: most my understanding of this comes from fandom and my sisters ramblings. So, maybe take this with a grain of salt!

PS: my sister just told me that Langstrom did NOT purposely reinfect himself (depending on cannon the cure was faulty, it was a split personality, the stuff that turned him was addictive, or someone else reinfected him). I was thinking of creeper (a different character, who is basically mini-joker, and I like to change him so that he is Joker's adopted son). My bad.

personface via AO3 2025-11-12

Ohmygosh this is so amazing!!! (also THE RIDDLER WAS IN THE PITS?! WHAT?!) THIS IS SO GOOD! I feel like this should be pinned to most fannon works so those of use who just read the fics know what's happening!!! <3

Gontonyak via AO3 2025-11-12

Glad I could help 😊

Gontonyak via AO3 2025-12-02

I made it into a fic! 😊

https://archiveofourown.org/works/75081156

Arukir Author via AO3 2025-12-02

I'm so glad you like it! Thanks!

Yeah, with as big a cast as Batman as, this fandom really is a coin toss on knowing who anyone is 😂

I'd explain, but it seems like someone beat me to it... How kind. :)

Gontonyak via AO3 on Chapter 6 · 2025-11-10

OMG this is amazing!

Vic just coming in and fixing it 😂 he is ALL of their dad 😂

Please write more! 🥺🧐

Arukir Author via AO3 2025-12-02

Thanks! No more yet, sorry :/ Glad you enjoyed, though! 😁

Dot_Burn via AO3 on Chapter 1 · 2025-11-14

One of the funniest things I have read in a while, speant a good amount of time laughing inbetween in each bit

Arukir Author via AO3 2025-12-02

Aw, thank you! I absolutely LOVE knowing I made someone laugh. 😁 😁 😁

(deleted) via AO3

(Previous comment deleted.)

Arukir Author via AO3 2025-12-02

Thank you! 😍

I'm glad you enjoyed it 😀

(deleted) via AO3

(Previous comment deleted.)

Arukir Author via AO3 2025-12-02

Ah, sorry, but no. People close to me have dealt with scammers, hackers, and even stalkers in the past, so I don't connect with anyone online unless I know them in real life. And besides that, I don't really use social media. I'm glad you like the fic, though! 😁

originalmeepbird via AO3 on Chapter 1 · 2026-01-27

Those nicknames are diabolical. Also not a foc I'm gonna read in class I had to wheeze so hard so many times. I think my highlight was "the last of the waynes"

Arukir Author via AO3 2026-01-27

1) Thank you, I'm glad you're enjoying and like the nicknames. I love knowing I made someone laugh 😊
2) What does foc mean?
3) Why do so many people read my fics during class?? 🤣

originalmeepbird via AO3 2026-01-27

1) you're welcome 😊
2 I meant fic. My phone broke I can barely type anymore 😭
3) bc class is boring lol

originalmeepbird via AO3 on Chapter 3 · 2026-01-27

Dang what school r they in
Ours still has chemistry equipment from a past country (no joke) and our sun system tables sill list Pluto as a planet.
Also I want Joker as chemistry teacher I'm bad at it anyway might as well die in school 😭

Arukir Author via AO3 2026-01-27

A very, very crazy school, is what they're in XD

Okay, so I was homeschooled and I knew school equipment is usually outdated, but I didn't know it could be THAT bad 😯

I'm glad you're enjoying the fic 😊

originalmeepbird via AO3 2026-01-27

I love it
Where I'm from home school isn't allowed so I assumed my pain was universal lol
Can't be a public school that's for sure lol

Arukir Author via AO3 2026-02-03

It weirds me out that they can ban homeschool anywhere. Parents should have the right to teach their kids themselves. Formal, external schooling should always be optional, in my opinion.

It doesn't help that public schools basically all suck XD

originalmeepbird via AO3 on Chapter 4 · 2026-01-27

Ok now I gotta ask what scarecrows nickname means. Mabye I'm nott American enough to understand?😭

Arukir Author via AO3 2026-01-27

Oh, right, I forgot that this isn't common knowledge — in 'Alice Through The Looking Glass', it's revealed that the March Hare and the Hatter have actual names: Haigha and Hatta.

originalmeepbird via AO3 on Chapter 6 · 2026-01-29

1. How does Fries type when he has gloves on
2. ENSLAVING people as TEACHERS is just double cruelty someone call human resources or the un or whoever is in Charge for that
3. How is a mental asylum for the criminally insane worse than a public school (especially in America no offense)
4. Joker is right. Coffee isn't fun

Insira_texto via AO3 on Chapter 1 · 2026-02-04

i laughed so w my life at Harv's contact name 😭

Arukir Author via AO3 2026-02-04

The nicknames are the best part of a chat fic, honestly XD

Glad to know I made you laugh. Query: what does 'so w my life' mean?

Thanks for commenting! :)

Insira_texto via AO3 on Chapter 2 · 2026-02-04

NOT TWO-FACE TALKING TO HIMSELF KKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK

Arukir Author via AO3 2026-02-04

It's not Twoface if he's not talking to himself 😂

I'm glad you're enjoying! 😁

Gontonyak via AO3 on Chapter 8 · 2026-03-16

Lol, now I want an entire fic about the kids school group chat 😆

Gontonyak via AO3 on Chapter 9 · 2026-03-16

[Dormouse]: My friendship with Oswald may have involved a little bit of mild childhood brainwashing, but it's one I cherish nonetheless.

WTAF 😂😂😂

 

I love Eddie+Twosie SO MUCH! THEY ARE ADORABLE!!!

punknerdmusings via AO3 on Chapter 9 · 2026-04-11

The amount of times I had to muffle giggles bc my spouse is sleeping probably exceeded once per chapter I love them <3

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